Friday afternoon Renae called and said they were taking Mom to the ER in Plains. She hadn't had anything to drink for days or eaten anything either. Derrick and I both left work early, packed quickly, picked up the kids from school and quickly departed for Plains, where I have been ever since. We have been bringing her into the hospital daily ever since for intravenous fluids and antibiotics. She has a continuous flow of pain meds through a patch, and is taking quite a lot of delaudid too. She is in and out of coherency and is halucinating quite a bit. I took this week off of work to be with her. We have a doctor's apt. tomorrow- gonna talk to hospice at that apt. Mom has been very opposed to hospice so far, because it represents giving up to her. The truth is that the family needs help too. There are going to be situations coming up where help will be completely necessary. Tomorrow I will also be going to Missoula for a couple hours to gather school work for the kids so they don't get so far behind. Right now Derrin is with Brandon and Lyndsay and Kloe is with Aiyana and Steph. That is nice- it lets me focus my attention on Mom more.
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September 28, 2010
September 24, 2010
Remembering
I dreamt about her last night. She was with dad, and I was meeting them somewhere before going to the hospital for another surgery. She was fragile, but she was also young- very young, like a teenager. I was worried because she was going to have another colon resection, and I didn't think she was strong enough to go through with it. She was defiant, in her own special way, but also like a teenager would be defiant. She didn't say a lot, she just kept snuggling into Dad's side, and eventually he walked away with her, his arm around her shoulder. The rest of the dream I was just looking for them and telling everyone that she was too weak to have the surgery.
She hasn't died yet. I hate that I'm already grieving as if she has. Dreaming about her all night, crying in the shower, every thought seems to associate itself with her. I looked through what I have written about her in here this summer, and so much of it is sad. I want all my good memories to be washing over me too, not just this fear and sadness. When I think of my mom, these are the images that come to mind:
-How soft her neck is when I hug her. She has always had the softest skin of anyone I know.
-How she smells- she is the only person I have ever met who smells really great in patchouli oil, or any other sent she chooses to wear that day. It doesn't matter, she always smells like Mom to me.
-The feeling of love and safety that has always surrounded her. No matter what else is wrong in my world, my Mom has always given that to me.
There is more to remember, so much more. I'm going to make a real effort to write it down. I want my kids to know her. If they won't have an opportunity to grow up with her in their lives, the knowing is going to have to come from me.
She hasn't died yet. I hate that I'm already grieving as if she has. Dreaming about her all night, crying in the shower, every thought seems to associate itself with her. I looked through what I have written about her in here this summer, and so much of it is sad. I want all my good memories to be washing over me too, not just this fear and sadness. When I think of my mom, these are the images that come to mind:
-How soft her neck is when I hug her. She has always had the softest skin of anyone I know.
-How she smells- she is the only person I have ever met who smells really great in patchouli oil, or any other sent she chooses to wear that day. It doesn't matter, she always smells like Mom to me.
-The feeling of love and safety that has always surrounded her. No matter what else is wrong in my world, my Mom has always given that to me.
There is more to remember, so much more. I'm going to make a real effort to write it down. I want my kids to know her. If they won't have an opportunity to grow up with her in their lives, the knowing is going to have to come from me.
September 22, 2010
The In-Between Place
Just got off of the phone a little while ago with Renae. Things aren't looking so good today. Mom can hardly eat, she couldn't drink more than a small glass of water, she can't use the bathroom. Renae called hospice just to see if they could offer any help or information, and they said this is just what happens when the body starts slowing down, preparing for death. Renae is going to call me if anything gets worse in the next two days. We are planning on coming down Friday night, but I'm supposed to work two full days Thurs and Fri. I'm planning on taking off work after that. If this is it... I need to spend every minute with her that I can. Geez, I need to stop writing before I totally lose it again.
September 21, 2010
September 20, 2010
No Hugging
Yesterday was the special assembly day here in Missoula. It was great to see everyone, and the talks were just wonderful. But Mom wasn't able to come. I knew I was sad, but I was still just happy to be there. You know how you can sorta just put the bad to the back of your mind, or at least bury it under a couple of layers of skin? I didn't bury it far enough though. Everyone kept asking how she was, where she was... and finally when one of my cousins gave me a hug and started crying, I was done. Sobbing, the kind where your whole body shakes. After that it just felt so close to the surface- I felt like if anyone so much as touched me too kindly I was going to lose it. Actually I lost it a couple more times anyways. Public displays of emotion are so NOT ME!!! Or they weren't me. I have a feeling they are going to BE me for awhile now.
September 14, 2010
September 4, 2010
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