The Ol' Switcheroo

It is currently March 16th.  Four more days until Spring is officially here.

We have almost officially survived winter in Montana, once again.

It actually has been a very mild winter.  It began looking like Spring more than a month ago, but I didn't believe it was real.  I was fairly certain this was Montana playing a big joke on us, tricking all of our Spring flowers to start growing too early so It could drop it's temperature on their tender baby green growth and kill them all dead.

Spring without Spring flowers, Montana's cruel idea of a joke.

I was so sure that was going to be the outcome that I buried all of my premature baby crocuses and tulips under mounds of old leaves last month. This morning I saw all my baby plants have fought their way out of their unnecessary protective blanket, defiantly showing me they will not stand for this over guarded stance I have taken for them.

So be it.  They are ready now.

Speaking of protective blankets and guarded stances, we have decided to try a different approach to Kloe's Middle School experience.  Starting next Fall, we are going to give home school a try.

Academically, she is doing great in school this year; all A's and B's and nothing but praise from all of her teachers.  She is growing up, and is a very funny kid.  I truly enjoy being around her most of the time.  But I can also see the social pressure pushing in on her, trying to shape and mold some of her attitudes on life.  I just can't stand the idea of her specialness being shaped into this idea of Typical American Teenager.  Can. Not. Stand. It.

I don't know if it's just a difference of temperament between Derrin and Kloe that has allowed him to get through Middle School without the outward manifestation of The Social Pressure Molding.   Maybe Middle School is harder on girls?  Maybe it is easier for me to recognize in my daughter because I had that same thing trying to shape me once upon a time ago.

We have offered Derrin the option of home school next year as well, but he has already enrolled in High School and is pretty excited about his classes.  But the option remains open.

What do we hope to achieve with home school versus public school?

My biggest goal is to provide an environment where she will be able to grow into the best version of herself.

She is naturally drawn to singing, writing, and art.  I'm hoping that by encouraging growth in those areas, it will help her form an idea of self-identity that has nothing to do with trying to fit in and be like everyone else.


I've been doing a lot of self-reflection during this decision.  Am I asking more from my daughter than I ask of myself?  It isn't fair to expect her to do the work of being her best self if I am not also doing the work of being my best self.

Self-discipline is going to be the quality that keeps this thing afloat or sinks it.  The only way I can expect her to have self-discipline is if I also have it in my own life.

Next fall I won't be going back the seasonal job I've worked the last six years.  I'll be home with Kloe, helping with home school.  I'll have a separate goal list for myself.

I've been looking into different online home school programs.  One of the that looks promising combines 7th and 8th grade.

My ideal/dream week of home school would look like this:

• Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday:  Get up at 7, get ready for the day.  Start school by 8.  Do the basic school stuff for about three-four hours. 

Other Ideas:

• Do something physically active, like play basketball (she mentioned that when we first discussed this with her), go on walks, see if she can do some things at my gym with me.
• Enroll her in an art class or have a voice coach once a week.
• Schedule definite times throughout the week to hang out with her friends, and plan on doing some traveling to make that happen.
• Spend more time with family... see if she can hang out with Aunt Renae, and Lyndsay.
• Have an actual mid-week service day that we can spend together.
• Derrick offered to spend more time teaching her how to play golf.
• She can also work in his office throughout the week to make some money.
• We can go on field trips together.
• Things I would love to share with her: Photography, painting, working with stained glass, making jewelery, and anything else we can dream up together.

Who knows how it will work out.  I've heard positive and negative experiences from different ones who have done it.  I'm hoping that by exploring ideas and defining the results we want, as well as acknowledging that we will have challenges, we'll have a better chance of aligning our hopes with what becomes reality.

No More Shufflin'

(Written Friday, March 14th.)

Wednesday marked my first run in a long time.  After running for far longer than I thought I would be able to, I was feeling pretty proud of myself.  That was about the time my knee started to ache.  

Pushing through, I focused on a house not too far ahead along the magic dirt road, and thought I could at least make it that much further.  Within a few steps, my ankle and hip started speaking up as well.  Grrrr.  

Slowing down to a walk, I realized the reason I had been able to run so far initially was I had been employing my usual shuffle/run.  This style of running has allowed me to run long distances for years, but it's also messed up the right side of my body in the process.  

My whole running process was broke down by a physical therapist I went to a couple of summers ago.  He actually recorded me running so I could see what I was doing wrong.  I basically run straight up and down, with no leaning forward, and my right knee/ankle turns inward every single stride.  I got away with it for a long time, but eventually my body started fighting back with pain.  

When the PT tried to teach me a better way to walk (because I've apparently been doing that wrong too) it just felt wrong.  Because doing anything a new way after years and years of doing it a different way always feels wrong.

Walking his way, I feel like a cowboy/gun fighter making my way into a saloon.  My legs are wider, and I am swinging my hips in an exaggerated swagger.  My arms swing in an intentional symmetrical motion, never missing a beat (normally, I only swing my left arm and my right arm stays glued to my side, which I am sure looks completely natural).  Running his way, I feel like a prancing pony.  My knees swing up high, and I can actually feel the moment both of my feet are off the ground between strides (this never happens while shuffling along). The problem is, the way I feel comfortable walking/running hurts me, and his way (although it hurts my pride) doesn't.  

This morning I went out there to give it another go, determined I was going to figure this out.  I would love to do another 1/2 marathon, but it's never going to happen if I can't stop the pain!  So, I put on my music and started my fast paced cowboy swagger up the road.  No pain.  Eventually, I broke into my 'high knee pony prance jog', and again no pain.  

The no pain part is good!  The bad thing (besides feeling a little silly) is that to achieve the right form, I have to run faster than I am used to.  I also have to focus on taking a higher stride each step, and the extra lifting of my thighs demands a lot more effort from me.  So, so much harder than my chillaxin shuffle/jog.  The walk to jog ratio was not as impressive today as it was on Wednesday.  Not at all.  It's going to take some stubbornness on my part to keep it going.  

One thing I've had to decide is that Jessy isn't going to be my walking/running buddy anymore.  It does make me sad, but I can't achieve the focus I need on my form with her by my side.  Between the physical pain of running with the bad form I have when I can't concentrate, and the frustration of running with this obstinate little creature who is yanking me all over the place in her distraction (so many things to smell and check out while out and about), it makes it VERY difficult to have the drive it takes to go out my front door and hit the pavement.  Little Jessy is a good girl, but when you walk with her, it is about her and keeping HER focused.  I'll just have to make time later in the day for her walks, and also the kids can get her out there.

ANYHOO, we (Derrick, Derrin and Kloe as well as a group of very good friends) are signed up for The Color Run May 3rd.  I also got a notice that The Tree Run 5k (did this run a couple of years ago) is April 12th, and I am thinking about signing up for that one as well.  Hopefully, having a couple of runs like this on the horizon will be enough to get my butt out the door running throughout this Spring and on into Summer.

14 Years Together

"We were together.  I forget the rest".  Walt Whitman

This last weekend Derrick and I went out of town for our anniversary, as we try to do every year.  The last four years we have went to Whitefish for our anniversary, so this year we decided to shake it up and go to Spokane instead.

The one commonality of our anniversaries throughout the years have been the monochromatic way the December sky decides to present itself.  As we headed out of town on Friday, it looked as though we were heading into the usual grey but happy weekend, but somewhere around the middle of Saturday, the clouds opened up and gave us blue skies.  They stuck around for the rest of our time out of town, and even now it is blue skies and sunny.

This was one of my personal favorite anniversary trips.  Our motel was really close to downtown Spokane, so we pretty much walked to most of the places we wanted to go throughout the weekend.  There was the usual shopping that goes along with a trip to Spokane, but we spent a lot of time walking, hanging out in our room (which was very nice), and going to some of the fun restaurants and pubs in downtown Spokane.

I love anniversary weekends.  We always make the effort to have that weekend to ourselves, and without fail we have the best discussions together of our year.

We talked about getting older, and our fears we have attached to it.  My fear (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people), is that of being devalued as a person by society.  Derrick's is mostly just the fear of being sickly or not being able to do what he once did.  Other than that, he's looking forward to being a cranky old man with no pressure from society to follow rules.  He's preparing for a reign of obnoxiousness :)  Getting old wouldn't be so bad as long as I could do it with him, because I know he will always see me as I really am.  Hopefully, though, we will never have to get old.

Of course (!) we talked about the kids.  Like most parents, we talk about them a lot.  You know how when you love someone, all conversations have a way of leading to that person?  That principle must apply to parents with their children.  Our hopes and dreams for them equal and surpass the hopes and dreams for ourselves.  The sum of our kid conversations are mostly how to keep them safe and sound but also give the tools and freedom to create happiness and dreams for themselves.  As they get older, we are seeing what a tricky road this may be.  We will just have to try our best, like our parents did for us.

We talked about our longstanding dream too, and decided it's time to make our trip to Europe a reality.  We saved for a trip we are going to take later this winter, and realized that if we are careful, saving for travel doesn't have to be crazy hard (as long as nothing too extreme happens in the meantime).  It might not be an immediate trip, but just knowing we are in the process of making it happen is a happy thought.

Fourteen years is a long time to be married.  We've had plenty of growing pains, and lots of wonderful times too.  We've been through a scary pregnancy and birth where Derrick almost lost both Derrin and me.  We've parented babies, toddlers, little kids, big kids and now teenagers together, with all of the struggles and joys that entails.  We've been through cancer in our family and the loss of a parent together.  We've battled depression and health issues together.  We've had the opportunity to travel to far away places we'd never been before together.  We've build a house and home together.  We've decorated the inside of our marriage with love.

A Void

Why is it so hard to write sad feelings and post them?  No one has ever told me that it's only okay to ever feel and express happiness.  But, when people ask how I'm doing, I smile and say I'm fine just like everybody else does.  We all do that, don't we?  And, besides some of the stuff I'm gonna write about here today, I AM fine.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a husband who I love and like, awesome kids, my sis and dad and family and friends, a home, food in the refrigerator.  I can see and hear and I'm still breathing, and even if I've made mistakes in my life I still have the choice to do better ever day that I am alive.

With that being said, it's been awhile since I wrote anything in here.  I've been in a bit of a void.  I've been trying to figure out how to describe 'the void', so I googled some of the feelings swirling around in there, and google let me know I am depressed.  My body and mind feeling stuffed with concrete was also a good indication. 

Naw, google didn't have to cue me in; I knew what was going on.  It's that time of year again.  Autumn has always been a time for me when the happy goes away and the time drawing up a survival plan has arrived.  I've let go of some of the good habits that have helped me through the last couple of years.  I haven't ran in months, and that was the thing that helped the most.  I hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of years, and I attribute that to consistant running.  My self-esteem was bolstered. After all, it's hard to give too much weight to other people's opinions of you when you run five miles a day on your own will power.  I think I had started to take the benefits of running for granted.  Or, I'd forgotton the misery of social anxiety and depression, and how it diminishes any light that can come into my life.

It's hard to be a very good friend when I'm like this.  I feel so guilty about that.  It's hard to make and keep play dates.  It's hard to be that safe harbor for others during their storms, when I feel so unanchored myself.  I want to be a good friend.

I had a bad panic attack at meeting last Sunday.  Thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, or I was going to pass out.  It started right after the meeting.  We were sitting in the front row.  I stood up, and started walking back towards the other people, planning on talking to someone, and that's when my heart started racing.  I went back to the bathroom and sat there for a bit, trying to calm myself down.  I didn't know what I was going to do, because Derrick was still out there and he had the car keys.  So, I just sat there until I could breathe a little easier.  I finally peeked out the door, and Derrick wasn't too far away.  I went over to him, and actually talked a bit to the group he was talking to, but he told me I was a  bit wild eyed.  We left right away.  I'd actually went out the the car early the previous Sunday too, because I'd started to feel really uncomfortable.  It's a bit frustrating, and definitely something I need to get under control again, because I don't want everyone there to think that I am avoiding them or have some bad feelings about anything.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I guess the feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin is not a "good" feeling, but it is entirely about me and has nothing to do with my feelings about them.

We had our assembly day yesterday.  It was full of encouraging talks. It was good to see everyone, although I wish we would have had more time to visit!  I completely missed some friends, and just had quick drive-bys with others.  I stuck pretty close to my sister and Derrick- my safe people.
Gah.  October 19th is looming.  This time last year, we were at Mom's, embarking on the darkest month of our lives (so far).  It boggles my mind that it has been a year since that time.  One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out who I am again.  Before Mom had cancer, I was a stay at home momma of two little ones, and that is who I was.  Then Mom got cancer, and the next five years I was one of the many people trying anything to keep her in our lives.  Everything related to it.  Now that she is gone, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. 

I fought so hard to have a positive attitude after we lost her.  I knew I needed to work hard to stay afloat.  Life keeps going on.  I knew eventually Spring and Summer would come along, and they did.   I knew eventually Fall and Winter would come back too, but I tried not to think too much about that.  I think I quit fighting to stay afloat prematurely.  Need to start fighting again.

Anyways... well, this is about as disjointed as I thought it might be.  My goal is to not delete it after posting:)

With all of the above written down, a new goal list may be in order.  I checked out what I wrote last year, and it seems a bit ambitious right now.  But it's a good starting point:
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings. 16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3. Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting. Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
Physical
1. Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week. Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2. Continue green drinks daily.
3. Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1. Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards. Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day. Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel. Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table! Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
3. Paint my bathroom.
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family. Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES. Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends. No disappearing. I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change. Dwell on the positive, not the negative.

Home We Are

We left T. Falls last night and came home.  This morning I actually got up and ran.  It has been awhile, actually since the kids got out of school.  I can't take it though; I feel so much better if I make the effort to be consistent.  I will get up early to run from now on.  Yes.  I will.

After running, I did my stint as Derrick's Office Assistant (D.O.A), and that took a good portion of the rest of my day.  I am still having a hard time really digging into my work there.  My two week yonder to T. Falls did not exactly render me accessible to my office work.  I will work in the office more consistently and productively from now on.  Yes.  I will.

I did eventually manage to escape outside to work in my garden.  My strawberries are giNORmous this year.  Big, red, juicy bites of goodness they are.  Relocated my dahlias and lupin... and watered lots. The first part of July has to be one of the most beautiful weeks of the year.  The flowers and plants are at their most lush at this exact moment.

Derrick did such a good job of taking care of my garden and my fish, Kloe's lizards and he even fed Derrin's snake.  Everything was well watered, fed and happy when I got home:)

I made Kung Pow Chicken tonight.  I cut up the chicken with one of the knives Derrick bought about a month ago.  His knives are sharp.  Really sharp.  I know me;  I WILL be visiting the ER with one of my fingers in an ice-filled baggy within the next couple of months. Derrick has researched proper cutting techniques.  He was giving the "hold your hand like a claw" advice tonight.  Meh.  Awkward.  Better just count on the trip to the ER.

He made homemade ice-cream.  He is the favorite among the kids at the moment.  He is my favorite at the moment too.

She Did It! A New Puppy for Kloe

It was two and a half months ago (April 15th to be exact) that Kloe and her Daddy struck a deal that if she could save two hundred dollars, she could get a puppy.  Since that day, she has scrimped and saved and squirrelled away every penny she could beg, find, or work for.  She has borrowed every book about dogs from the library that she could find.  She has made our family watch every dog movie known to mankind.  She has never lost focus even for a second.

Her dad has been very impressed, which is impressive, as he is not easily impressed.  The two hundred dollar requirement was not really about the money, it was just to show how committed she was to having a dog.  Having a dog is a bit like having another kid in our family, it's a big deal. 

She will have one hundred dollars by the end of this week, and he decided that between the money saved and all of the work she did to educated herself about having a dog, she is ready.

We found a puppy right down the road from my dad's house.  She is a beauty:)

She is a six week old boxer.  We paid for her today, but they are going to hold her for us for the next ten days so we can pick her up after our convention.

A Happy Girl

Where Kloe Goes On Stage

Tonight was Kloe's first time as householder at meeting.  She helped her Gramma Katherine gave a talk about friendship (talking about it while making cookies as a setting).  They used the example from Psalms of David and Jonathon, and the friendship they had. 

Kloe was very nervous before going up there, but she (actually both of them) did a great job.

~Dog Art~

It's not too hard to decipher what Kloe is thinking about these days.  With her laser like focus, she will have one of these guys before too long.


Looks like a Black Lab.



He will be protective.

Maybe a Yellow Lab?

Her dog will be very happy.

Words become Ideas become Actions

I'm reading a new book called "Today We Are Rich" by Tim Sanders (free on my Kindle!), and so far it is really good.  It reminds me a bit of "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. In fact, Tim Sanders has used quotes from that book.  The author writes about lessons he learned from his wise ol' gramma Billye.  She believed in the power of thoughts, and was very deliberate about what she put in her brain, whether from books, tv, movies, or even friends conversations.  She was a believer in we are whatever our dominate thoughts are, and that thoughts can either hold us down or propel us forward.  I just finished reading these paragraphs (which I strongly need to apply): 

"When you sense you are about to feed your mind a bad memory, spit it out.  One way I do this is to see the negative memory as a headline on a whiteboard.  Then, with my mental eraser I wipe it off the board.  If it continues to try to present itself, I consciously say to myself, Delete, please.

We need to avoid the reintroduction of a bad memory that we've thought about before.  Often we continue to generate thoughts of regret by reliving our mistakes, and we become trapped in what Billye called the "woulda shoulda coulda" trap.  The more we chew on the painful past, the more details the subconscious coughs up, and the more it expands in our thinking.  Once we've learned a lesson from a mistake, we need to declare the details "useless memories" and discard them.  Store the insight, delete the details."

He talks about his gramma's morning routine- she'd get up early, make coffee, read her bible for fifteen minutes, then read something else inspirational, then write about her thoughts and what she'd read, then call her best friend who had a similar routine so they could discuss what they'd learned that morning.  I love her routine!  I want that!!  It sounds like what I've always wanted and yet haven't done- I blame it on my comfortable bed. Feeling very inspired to make changes.

Talking about the power of thoughts, here is an update on Kloe's dog project:  She has now saved thirty dollars.  She's been folding laundry- I found out yesterday that Derrick is paying her two dollars a basket.  We went to the library yesterday and she checked out three books about dogs, and one video (Dogs for Dummies) which we watched last night.  We've been watching every dog movie known to mankind on Netflicks.  I feel like we should all be receiving some sort of Canine degree or diploma, we have been that educated.  The little girl is focused and very committed.  This would be a good time of year to adopt of puppy; we'd have all summer for potty training and playing outside.  I've never been a dog person, but Kloe's enthusiasm is contagious and I'm excited too.

The house is a wreck- stacks of laundry still await to be folded- should have kept Kloe home from school for that! heh.  We have our C.O. visit this week, so there is more on the agenda then usual. I need to make a choice to either fold laundry and clean the house, or go running.  I'm pretty sure I know what choice will win out.  It is bee-uu-teee-ful out there.  Laundry will wait.

Two hours later... 
The laundry and dirty didn't wait.  It grabbed me as I tried to make my way from the house, and just MADE me wash and clean it.  No run today.

Winter Running/Walking

It was actually nice enough out today to go running/walking.  Still cold-ish (around 35 degrees), but the snow had melted off of the sidewalks and roads.  It was about the perfect temperature- I didn't get over-heated or have to start stripping off layers like I usually do.  Also, the water from the melted snow had a chance to absorb into the ground before it froze again, so there was no mud to splash through.

I did the whole 6.2 miles.  Probably ran about 2.5, and speed-walked the rest.  It took me exactly 90 minutes, which reflected the walking portion of it slowing me down.  In the 5Ks (3.1 miles) I have done, it has taken me about 29.5 minutes.  My goal for this run eventually would be a time of 60 minutes.  Not gonna happen right now though.

The stand-off between my treadmill and myself during these winter months has definitely caused me to lose some of my lung capacity out there.  It's a bit of a bummer.  I'm hoping for more days like this though; I bet by next week at this time (if I can keep getting out there), I should be at 80 minutes (40 minutes each way).  I think it is doable.

Dream Coach

I've been having the nigglings of guilt for the last week or so at my lame-ness at consistent blogging.  I am just not that great at consistency in ANY area of my life.  It is always a big part of any goal I make for myself to strive for consistency.  Unfortunately my lack of consistency (ironically) has also leaked over into my goal of consistency.

One of my greatest wishes for myself is that of a life coach.  My life coach would be one tough dude.  Man would I hate him- which is why he would need to be a paid employee because that way the choice of following his orders would still be mine.  He would be barking at me from 6:30 in the morning to get UP to write and read and do anything else that requires quiet time.   Then he would run beside me, rain or shine or snow, and he'd be making me run so much harder than I do by myself.  He would keep tighter tabs of my bank account, and really make me sit down and logically figure out where my dollars should be going.  He would sit down with me and make me figure out menus for my family and then find the best ingredients for the best prices.  He would make me work on my assertiveness by making me stand up to HIM, because after standing up to scary HIM everyone else would look like kittens.  He would make me sit down and make a business plan for myself and then make me actually follow through with every intimidating idea.  He would be tapping his toe impatiently, making me hurry up to be on time for any appointments I make and not letting me back out of anything, even if I am feeling wimpy because we are living through the-winter-that-never-ends.  He wouldn't care if I was struggling; he'd be HEARTLESS and just make me do what needs to get done.

Okay, whatever... not gonna be getting a life coach any time soon.  Spring will soon be here, and I will once again just feel like  doing most of the stuff I wish someone would make me do.  I still won't be perfectly consistent, but it'll be enough to keep the momentum needed to make me happy... well in some of the above mentioned areas anyway.  I am thinking I really do need help in some of the areas... maybe a class in self-assertiveness?  *sigh*  Something to think about anyways. 

Decisions Decisions....

“Whatever you don’t like, change.  It’s the beauty of being human.  We get to change our minds.  We get to choose again.  And we know how to laugh.”- Lois Levy

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."- Ralph Waldo Emerson 


"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."  Arnold Bennett

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

"We can change our lives.  We can do, have and be exactly what we wish." Tony Robbins


Change is scary for me (and probably for most people).  Sometimes you have no say in the matter; life changes completely without your permission.  Other times there is choice involved.  The thing is, it can be hard to decide when you need to change things.  It's hard to tell if that little nagging voice in the back of your head needs to be heeded or hushed up.  I have a hard time letting myself quit, whether it's a project, a relationship, a job, or anything I've been giving my attention to.  It isn't so much stubbornness, as a general distrust of my own feelings.  Am I just tired of whatever I'm thinking of quitting?  Am I going to regret my choice when a little bit of time has passed?  Am I being lazy?  Do my feelings of wanting to quit have any validity?


What I know is that we are all the creators of our own reality.  Right now my reality does not feel like what I want to choose.  I want to have a positive attitude and really I am doing okay in that department, all things considered.  But I feel like I need to change some things.  Anyways, I am planning on taking action and setting some of those changes in motion.  Nothing immediate... just setting the groundwork for later.  As long as I can see things changing in the future, I can make it through the days feeling more in control.

Pros:

• To spend the kid's summer vacation with them- spend more time playing.
• To be able to spend more time with my sister, dad, steph, tara and david, friends, and to have  the freedom to do so.
• To be able to spend more time camping and making memories with my husband and family.  
• To be able to be at home on days when I can not deal with people and I'm feeling too fragile.
• Easier to schedule service.
• Easier to schedule running
• Tired of dealing with cranky people (of the grown-up variety)
• More time to pursue photography, art and making jewelry, and writing.

Cons:

• Will need to find another way to make money, or make due with less- although this may interfere any of the fun stuff that requires money.
• Won't be forced to deal with people as much (which is actually a good thing for me).
• Will need to force myself to be scheduled without being on someone else's schedule.
• The chances of finding a place to work where I like the people (fellow employees anyways), where they are so kind about my schedule, and where they pay as decently, are pretty slim.

Meh, Some Running Chat, and Priorities. Then Back to Meh.

~Sitting here, with some major writer’s block. Watching some Friends, drinking some coffee. Gonna get some more coffee here in a minute. And then maybe some more. It was hard to wake up this morning. I would have gratefully slept for at least a couple more hours.
~Yesterday was one of the harder ones. Life goes on, whether or not you are sad. This day is better already.  With that being said, it was still at least a productive day- service in the morning, work and then meeting that night.  I'm happy about that- fighting through moods to still be productive is a step forward for me.
~I’ve ran twice this week, and plan on running today and once this weekend. I’m only going two miles at a time right now because: 1) My two week sojourn to my couch has left lingering whispers in my body- they must be exorcised slowly lest the couch wins the battle (of my heart) over the treadmill. 2) Regardless of any appreciation I have for the treadmill… it is a treadmill. Two treadmill miles equal four outside (well, mentally and emotionally anyways). 3) I am just going for consistency at this point. As soon as it clears up and outside is an option again, I’ll up the mileage.
~I was thinking about the local marathon this summer, but we found out our district assembly is the same weekend as the marathon. I’ll just have to find a different run to try this summer.
~I need to work on my priority list anyway. Between running stuff, travel stuff, family stuff, hobby stuff (all of which are very important to me)(this is where I should also add photography stuff*can't believe I forgot that!*, and um housework and grocery shopping stuff.  Haha:), it can be a little too easy to not stay as focused on the most important of all spiritual stuff. It is so hard to be balanced!! I’m sure that it will always be that way. It must just be a human thing.
~That is about it for this morning.  My brain no so good at the moment.  Maybe the running will shake some life back into it.

pri·or·i·ty
/praɪˈɔrɪti, -ˈɒr-/[prahy-awr-i-tee]   noun

1.the state or quality of being earlier in time, occurrence, etc.

2.the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence.

3.the right to take precedence in obtaining certain supplies, services, facilities, etc., esp. during a shortage.

4.something given special attention.–adjective

5.highest or higher in importance, rank, privilege, etc.: a priority task.

Various Dreams

I want to learn how to make this:

I ordered a book about a week ago to learn how to do metal stamping.  I am EXCITED (YAYAYAY) to get it!!!  It comes with a DVD and everything!!!  My plan is to watch it, become instantly enlightened, buy all of the tools and materials to proceed, make a ton of them, have Stephanie become my selling agent, sell millions and then retire.  You gotta have a plan.
Something else I've been dreaming about is photography.  Tara (fellow aspirer and awesome photographer) sent a link to me the other day at http://www.weddingshow.com/.  Someday, we are going to do this.  Because you gotta have a dream too.

I need more hours in the day.

Tomorrow is the last day of eight hour-age at my job.  The plan is for Derrick to stay home tomorrow, get us packed **!** (A moment of silence here.....  and appreciation....  to go on a trip and not have to pack sounds even BETTER than a dream come true for me!!!) (One more moment of silence- this is just that good..............okay, now we proceed), then he will load up stuff and kids, pick me up at work at the end of my day, and onward to Seattle we shall go!  :)))  It will be so good to see David and Tara, spend time with them and also away from snow.  I plan on wearing a bikini while we are there.  I don't care if it's raining and cold- it'll be warmer there than it is here!!!

It is so gray outside today.  I'm tired- it was one of those dreaming nights last night- the kind that you wake up from feeling weepy and emotional.  It was weird though- instead of Mom, I was dreaming about Dad.  Actually, it was about a letter I had written about Dad (in my dream, because I've never actually written anything like that).  It was all crumpled up, and had some sad stuff scribbled all over it.  There were big x's crossing off all of the sad stuff, and the words "He cares more than you know" were written over and over in the side margins.  It doesn't surprise me that I dreamed about him.  I called him last night and we talked for about five minutes.  It's just so hard- our relationship always sorta hinged on Mom.  She was the one I talked to when I called.  If he ever answered the phone, it was always a quick "hi" for us and then he'd ask if I wanted to talk to Mom and I would say "Yep, love ya Dad" and then it was on to Mom.

I've been reading a book about goals and time management, and one of the goals the writer mentioned is building a closer relationship with one's dad.  That kind of caught me off guard.  Aren't parental relationships supposed to be one of those effortless bonds that just happen because of all of the shared DNA<--- Yeah, I know that last sentence doesn't even make sense, but a part of me resents that my little idealistic notion isn't reality.

The truth is, my dad worked really hard to support six children and a wife that he loved dearly, and a lot of the time I was growing up he was sleeping (he worked night-shifts).  He has a genius and a passion for anything mechanical, and one of his favorite pastimes is working on cars (or tinkering with anything with bolts and metal parts).  I inherited a large amount of introversion from him, and also the inclination to get obsessed with projects, although mine are more crafty/artsy where as his are mechanical.  I've typed him as ISTP where as I am INFP (those links go to a pretty brutal typing link, but it feels accurate- probably because each type is a composite description from many of that specific type) (As another complete side note, I find it hilarious that the INFP description is so much longer than the ISTP- it WOULD be!  INFPs are WAAAAY more concerned about this kind of stuff, as of course that personality type would be...  I could go on and on...).

Anyhoo, I'm searching for a welding class for us to have a common bond with- something I could use with jewelry and projects, and he could use on his metal stuff- he just got a plasma cutter to play with.  Haven't found anything yet, but I bet the Adult Education at the Emily Dickenson School will eventually have one.  Put that one in the goal category too, I guess.

So... those are my rambling and disjointed thoughts today:)

Homework... *blek*

One of the most tricky things about being a parent for me (esp. being Kloe's mom) is that she seems to fight with some of the same things that I am still working on. I want to help her work on the challenging stuff now so it doesn't turn into a lifetime struggle for her too. This being a parent is an interesting thing- it consistently demands I continue to work on my own attitudes so I will be able to help my kids with theirs. Guess we all get to grow, so it's a very good thing. 

I've always been an ardent homework hater.  It's one thing to be a protester of it as a kid, but it is doing a disservice to hold on to that attitude as a parent.  Apparently, homework is a constant in life.  New goal alert:  2nd grade homework has priority from 3:15-4:00 Monday-Friday until the end of the school year.  Yee-haw!!! We can do this.

Some Runs to Think About

Frost Fever 5K January 29, 2011
Kid's Marathon July 9, 2011
Missoula Marathon July 10, 2011
Big Island (Hawaii) International Marathon March 20, 2011

My New Winter Goals

Every fall, before winter falls around my shoulders again, I like to make a new list of goals- a Survival Guide if you will.  Last year I focused mainly on running, and I'm happy to say I actually stuck with it and it helped greatly.  I've been through a lot this year, and one of the benefits from all the turmoil (a dramatic word, but oh-so-accurate), is that it has given me plenty of time to pause and contemplate what I need in my life.  Hopefully my follow-through on this years list will be as good as last year (although my list is quite a bit longer).
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings.  16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3.  Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting.  Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
 Physical
1.  Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week.  Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2.  Continue green drinks daily.
3.  Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1.  Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards.  Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day.  Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel.  Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
 Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Finish the paintings I started last winter before I start any new ones this winter!!!
3. Make the necklaces with the beads that Renae and I bought in Canada this summer (with Renae!)
4. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table!  Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
5. Strip Kloe's dresser and paint it and her lizard's stand.
6. Paint my bathroom using fuex(fuax? Foe? I think I'm getting farther away from correctness) techniques Lyns and I are gonna learn this weekend!!!
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family.  Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES.  Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends.  No disappearing.  I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change.  Dwell on the positive, not the negative.

Growing Pains

When Derrick and I first got married, our big plan was to stay simple, save our pennies and eventually blow this place, go to Europe and just hike or ride bikes to whatever exotic country our hearts would lead us to. Three months later a certain test came back positive and our plans had to change. That is life. The only thing constant is change, and we've learned to roll with our fair share of punches.

Before I got married my instinct was to shy away from unpleasantness, to take the easy way out card. Being married and having kids seems to make that card not so available. Hard times have forced us to grow and I've found out something : Growing as a person, a lot of the time, hurts (thus the term "growing pains"). It hurts because sometimes it's caused by slamming doors you never thought would close, forcing you to find a new route. It hurts because it springs from bad things that happen to you for no reason at all, and it isn't fair, but you still have to summon the strength to get through it. It hurts because sometimes it comes out of bad choices we've made causing us draw up the strength to survive the consequences. It is hard, because sometimes it's caused by sticking to a situation, a place, a relationship even when things are rocky, uncomfortable or even just boring, and wading through, enduring and choosing to make it better right where you are. Sometimes it hurts because you've had to learn there are some situations you cannot fix and you have to let go.

Life doesn't seem to let us off the hook very easily. Even though I hate the middle part of growing, the painful part, I love the end result because I know more about me, and if I did well on the way through, I learn to respect and like myself more. Or if it is something Derrick and I are working through together, and we do well, we learn to respect and trust eachother and the relationship more. Even if it comes from a bad move on my part, as long as I can handle it with honesty and grace in the reprocusion stage, I can look back and see ultimately I made the decision to make good on a bad choice, and I know that takes strength. These are the moments in time we define or refine who we are and what we are going to stand for.

It is a cliche, but no matter where you go, there you are. As long as I'm okay inside, I can wait for Europe

Goals

1. Become vegetarian. For now, use only chicken and fish. By January, only fish.

2. Stop splenda addiction. Wean off slowly, only using it in tea for now. By January, be splenda free.

3. Start an exercise program. For real this time. Join Gold's Gym. Or start joggin.... for sure by January.

4. Create more structured activities for my children. Have more art projects for them. Go bowling with them every couple of weeks (starting tomorrow?)

5. Be more vigilant with my personal bible study.

6. Watch less television (limit to the office, scrubs and csi...)

7. Learn how to stay composed in trying situations. Practice deep breathing and inner calm.

8. Let my children try more of whatever crazy schemes and projects they have dreamed up. Let creative importance win over yucky messes that will have to be cleaned up later.

Hmmm... I know there are more. I will add to this list as needed! Any suggestions?