October Feelings

It's funny; if any of you were to be standing in front of me and ask how I am doing right now, I would tell you I am doing fine.  And I am.  I'm working at my job again (and that is a good thing), my laundry is mostly done, and my house isn't too messy. I'm off of that horrible diet so I can eat chocolate again, and my kids are not hating school or their new teachers.  Derrick and I are doing fine.

And yet, every time I sit down to write lately, it is sad.  There is a disconnect somewhere.  There is 'the fine me', sitting here writing.  I feel pretty good, no headache, don't feel like crying, don't feel upset or mad or really any negative emotion.

Then there is the 'three o'clock in the morning me' that wakes up every single night and thinks and thinks.  Lots of anxiety.  Am I doing enough?  Am I trying hard enough?  Am I being a good enough friend?  Good enough mother? Good enough wife? Sister and daughter?  Human being? Anxiety over past mistakes.  Anxiety that I will never be good enough for anything.  That I will never be as strong as I should be.

And then there is the 'me when I am by myself at home, on my couch, by myself'.  Everything feels pretty futile.  I have 'what is the point' mentality.  Of course I know what the point is.  But there is only a 'point' if I am strong enough and good enough.  And it feels like I fall on my face pretty much all of the time. 

Then I'm back to feeling fine.  Fine is a good place to be.  But it is unreasonable for me to just expect to sail through this month (or life in general) and just get to feel fine.  In fact, I can't think of even one friend who isn't going through something really hard right now and having their own struggle.  This just happens to be my own particular struggle.

Since the middle of September, every day corelates to what was happening at this exact time last year.  We went to our assembly in the end of September, and it reminded us that that was the first assembly Mom couldn't go to because she was just so sick.  September 28th was the day Derrin turned 11, and it reminded me of calling him last year from Mom's house to ask him what being 10 felt like.  Last weekend was the anniversary of the first time we gave her the strong pain medication patch that took away her pain but also her ability to talk.  And now every day is a memory of a day in a string of days that progressively became darker and darker.

This time last year was one of the hardest my family has ever gone through.  I can't describe what it felt like to watch Mom fading away.  I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a look in my eyes I'd never seen before, and I couldn't make that look go away no matter how hard I tried.  It was so surreal to see real suffering in my own eyes.  It was heartbreaking to see that suffering in the eyes of every other person losing her too.

When she died, there was grief, but it ended that horrible period of time, that month of unendurable suffering.  We grieved, but we didn't have to exist in a world where our mom was hurting anymore.  There was a relief in that.  I never had to walk into that house to see her hurting on that bed again. 

It was like the fire that was cancer had taken five years to reach us as we were all bound above it, knowing what the inevitability was.  We fought as hard as we could to put the fire out, but one day it reached our feet.  Then it took a month to consume our bodies as we dangled there, not able to do a thing to put it out, just twisting in pain as we burned.  And then the fire had nothing left to consume.  And we were burned and scarred and hurting, but we weren't on fire anymore, and I was relieved. 

And every day I woke up and I wasn't on fire anymore, I was relieved. 

I still don't know that I'm done feeling relieved, and the fire has been out for a year. 

Maybe we are just far enough on the other side, that under the scar tissue old nerves are starting to reawaken. We spent a lot of time watching the fire build under us. That sort of thing really takes a lot of attention. Fear is a powerful thing.

The first six months after, I didn't stop moving or running.  Running makes me feel better.  It is a tangible thing that I can do to FIGHT despair and guilt and depression.  It makes me focus on and appreciate the fact that I can BREATHE, that I have this body that is still alive and has the ability to feel good, feel pain, struggle and sweat.  I have a heart in this body that still pounds when I make it. 

I haven't been running so much these last couple of months.  I need to get out there again and remind myself that I am alive and breathing.

I haven't even really done any photography this year, not like before.  Maybe that is another thing that needs to be picked up again. 

Writing helped before too.  It's easier just to write about what's going on in our family life, and that serves a purpose, but when I started THIS particular blog, it was called 'The Lamentations of a Girl from Paradise'.  Sometimes lamenting needs to be allowed.  In my life I can't just talk about this stuff.  There needs to be a place to put it.  Tonight it is going here.

Willing Abstinence of Chocolate and Coffee??? And other life stuffs...

I quit drinking coffee FOUR days ago.  The first two days had predictable headaches, but I am on to better times now.  Living coffee-free is one of the first steps I am taking to feeling better, month-round. 

I am TIRED of being out of commission so much of the time, so it's time to come out fighting... again.  I bought super absorb-able multivitamins (with lots of the B's), and a giant jar of calcium/magnesium.  In September I will start a 'feel good again' diet, which will be challenging, but I think worth it. 

When I went to the vitamin store, I talked to the 'vitamin guy' for a long time about my general symptoms of icky-ness, and he gave me a weird test to try to see if I have an overgrowth of candida.  He said (and it is kinda gross, but fascinating) to spit into cup of cold water first thing in the morning before you take a drink of water or even swallow.  You are supposed to check in on it for about an hour, and if it stays all pretty floating on top, you don't have a candida overgrowth.  But, if it starts sinking, and looking stringy and gross, you do (sorta sounds like how they diagnosed if someone was a witch or not at one point in history...).  The faster it sinks, the more candida you have.  I did his fun little test, and it immediately pointed to yes. I am, indeed, a witch.  Or I have candida.  ONE of those things.  

I'm not completely sure about the validity of the spit test.  I did, however, read the list of symptoms for candida, and the list pretty much describes all of the symptoms that I would like to go away.  I have a doctor apt. in September, but I'm pretty sure she'll just prescribe the usual meds that every american eventually gets prescribed, and send me on my merry way.  I just don't want to mask a bunch of symptoms; I'd like to get rid of the problem.  I've got things to DO, kids to raise and play with, a husband I'd like to be clear-headed enough to talk things through, friends and family to have happy times with.  I don't have TIME for dead-on-the-couch days! 

The candida diet seems to mostly involve eliminating sugar and carbs.  This is going to seriously compromise my consumption of chocolate.  *Sigh*  Just one more re-affirmation that if I love something too much, most likely it is bad for me. 

Anyways, I'm waiting for September to start the 'diet' because August still has a trip to Seattle (yay! Get to see David and Tia), and other fun friend times.  So much of social activity has to do with food!

Bailey and Kloe

Different subject (again): SO, since I was a blogging lam-o last week, I didn't mention that Heidi, Tammy and all the kiddos came and stayed with us last week.  I was going to post pictures of some of our time together, but then I realized I was so busy gabbing with my fellow ladies that I didn't really take any.  My bad. 

It was nice getting to be with them!  Lots of playing at the park, in the water, and loud craziness (that's a given with five kids running around my little house).  Kloe went home with them and stayed for four days with her buddy Bailey.  A good time was had by all.

While she was gone, I took Derrin school shopping.  Yes, it is that time of year again.  Today, he gets to go hang out with his grampa while I take Kloe school shopping.  It is always better to divide them for these sort of out-goings; reduces the chaos greatly.

We went to the Celtic festival the weekend before, but in my blog-funk, the pictures never were posted.  Time to remedy that:

My childrens' 'having fun' faces

My husbands 'having fun' face

A little Riverdancing



Miss Kloe and Miss Sklyer

  



Letting the kids play in the middle
of the road



Heatheree n Me, Downtown

Puppy dog eyes



~Sweet but Dangerous~

I discovered Nutella this week. I've been buying the stuff for a couple years for the kids, but I've never actually tasted the stuff because I have strong feelings against defiling chocolate with nuts (especially peanuts-yuk!). I've been on a chocolate kick lately though (I have my reasons) and I was fresh out of chocolate this last Tuesday. On an impulse I dipped my finger in the Nutella jar and gave it a try. HELLO! Heaven! You don't even taste the nuts (maybe because they are hazelnuts?)- it just tastes like chocolate on a spoon!!!
I was unprepared to handle this eye-opening experience, especially in my current chocolate craving state. With real chocolate, I've developed some pretty hard and fast rules- I allow it sometimes (in emergencies), but then I GET RID of any leftovers. I'll send it to work with Derrick, or pour stuff on it and throw it in the bottom of the garbage. But Nutella... well, with Nutella, that sly voice in the back of my mind is whispering,"Have another spoonful Rachel- it's made out of HAZELNUTS- it's HEALTHY." I have had a LOT of spoonfuls since Tuesday (Derrick bought the giant size jar of it when he went shopping last weekend.)
This morning I could hear the kids in the kitchen making some toast, and complaining that the Nutella was almost gone, and who they had seen eating most of it. I was giggling at the conversation, but also feeling guilty. No more Nutella for me. I need to start thinking about it in a different way. The fact is that the serving size for Nutella is 200 calories (100 of those fat) for just two tablespoons. It takes one mile of running to burn 100 calories (that sly voice in my mind has also been telling me I can just run to make up for it later). There are about 8000 calories in one jar of the stuff. I would have to run 80 miles to make up for that (and I did do some damage to that jar). It takes around 3000 calories to either gain or lose a pound. Bleh. I'm going to do some running in a minute, but even at the four three miles I have time for this morning, it only covers four three spoonfuls of the stuff.
Okay. No more Nutella OR Chocolate for awhile. Must employ more non-food coping mechanisms. The cocoa bean is officially banned from my mouth (although that still leaves chocolate baths as an option.  Just sayin').

Black Friday

Last night Renae called me about some AWESOME sales going on over at Michaels. It was seriously the only thing that could have persuaded me to leave my bed of chocolate (the chocolate, by the way, was thrown in the bed with me by my loving husband much in the way you might throw feeder fish in a pirahna tank, with similar results). We found AMAZING deals, and the resulting adrenaline rush has gave me the energy to come home and once again be among the living and actually be conversational (even played some Mario Bros. with big D). Going to go meet Renae in town and start some non-early shopping (not that I really need anything, but it'll be fun to look and be with my sis) in just a little while.

Sloooow Day

Wow. I ate a massive amount of chocolate today. Haven't been on a bender like that for years. Also mac n' cheese... Balanced out with a green drink? Hmmm. Been a homebody today. Derrick took the kids sledding at the park earlier- I declined on going into the cold (or running as I had contemplated earlier), and instead spent the day on the couch going through all of my digital pictures and coming up with 525 pics to put in the digital frame that has been turned off pretty much ever since Derrick got it for me a couple years ago. Finished laundry (mostly), did a small amount of housework, and now I'm laying in bed covered in chocolate wrappers:) It was a nice aimless day full of wrong food choices and inactivity- haven't had one of those in awhile and it felt nice.

No one can bring you peace but yourself. -Emerson

I feel bad today.  I've felt bad  off and on this week. I've tried to think of what anyone else could say or do that would make me feel better, and there just isn't anything.  I can't even define the feeling.  It's a mix between:

sad

adj. sad·der, sad·dest

1. Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.

2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.

3. Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing: a sad movie; sad news.

4. Deplorable; sorry: a sad state of affairs; a sad excuse.

5. Dark-hued; somber.

need·y

adj. need·i·er, need·i·est

1. Being in need; impoverished.

2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

rest·less

adj.1. Marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest: spent a restless night.

2. Not able to rest, relax, or be still: a restless child.

3. Never still or motionless: the restless sea..

an·gry

adj. an·gri·er, an·gri·est

1. Feeling or showing anger; incensed or enraged: angry at a rude neighbor; angry with a salesclerk.

2. Indicative of or resulting from anger: an angry silence.

3. Having a menacing aspect; threatening: angry clouds on the horizon.

4. Chiefly New England & Midland U.S. Inflamed and painful: an angry sore.

In Response to the above feelings, I am now going to think of:

Things that make me feel good-

cook·ies also cook·ys  (kk)

n. pl. cook·ies

A small, usually flat and crisp cake made from sweetened dough.

choc·o·late  (chôk-lt, chôklt, chk-)

n.Fermented, roasted, shelled, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweetener or flavoring agent.

My kids (MI kds)

n.a. My children.

b. MY young persons.

Slang Pal. Used as a term of familiar address, especially for a young person: Hi, kids! What's up?

run·ning  (rnng)

n.1. The act or an instance of running.

2. The power or ability to run.

3. Sports The exercise or sport of someone who runs.

shop·ping

v.intr.

1. To visit stores in search of merchandise or bargains.

2. To look for something with the intention of acquiring it.

trav·el  (trvl)

v. To go from one place to another, as on a trip; journey.

pho·tog·ra·phy  (f-tgr-f)

n.1. The art or process of producing images of objects on photosensitive surfaces.

2. The art, practice, or occupation of taking and printing photographs.

3. A body of photographs.

friends  (frnds)

n.1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

Run, Running, Runable, run-atious, Runanananun

So I am officially signed up for the "Run for the Health of It" 5K this Saturday. Should be interesting as I haven't been able to get myself to run even ONCE this whole month. I may be walking quite a bit of it. I'm hoping that this will be a springboard for beginning to run again though. I need to do it!!! Between my obsession with chocolate, black licorice, and anything fatty and delicious lately PLUS my couch potato-ism, my pants were a bit tight this morning. I was so going to run today before work... that didn't happen, but I did make a green drink (kale, blue berries, cranberries, banana) and took my vitamins for the first time in a month- yay for self-care... But seriously, running and all that other stuff is going to be huge in the surviving of this winter, which has always been a struggle for me anyways, even before everything that has happened with mom.

I've been reading a lot about delayed grief. Talked to Renae yesterday about how I just don't seem to feel much of anything right now (besides being so tired and lethargic), and she said that is how she feels too. Brandon too- he hasn't really cried at all... and I know Steph is there too. Even Dad seems to be there with us. A lot of stuff I've been reading says that this can happen a lot with care givers of terminally ill loved ones- it's a coping mechanism we have when we need to get through an especially hard time (like when caring for someone who is actively dying), but that it is hard to turn off after the crisis has passed. I feel like we are sitting on a ticking time bomb. Dad wants us to come down and go through her things soon. Also, we are need to choose a headstone and sprinkle her ashes...

Back to the race... SO, Renae called me yesterday to let me know that Partnership for Health is one of it's sponsors and beneficiaries. It is... not sure if ironic is the right word here... well, just a fun fact for us, especially since Steph and I (Patsy's progeny) are going to run something for them, since they were the ones who let her go for YEARS without a colonoscopy, even after she repeatedly reported symptoms that screamed colon cancer. If they would have listened to her (even if they would have just had her get one because she was over fifty), she would still be alive today. Because of what happened to Mom, they changed the whole structure of when to recommend colonoscopies to their patients. This run could even be in reaction to what happened to her- trying to make colonoscopies more available and affordable to lower-income people. So, it will be a bittersweet thing to run for them on Saturday... mostly sweet though. I wish that funds had have been available for my mom all those years ago (and that her doctor would have recommended she use them).

Things that make me feel....

Chocolate, black licorice, shopping....
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