One Year Ago Today

He Will Call 

Job 14:13-15 (Song 111)

Life, like a mist, appears for just a day,

Then disappears tomorrow.

All that we are can quickly fade away,

Replaced with tears and sorrow.

If a man should die, can he live again?

Hear the promise God has made:

He will call; the dead will answer.

They shall live at his command.

For he will have a longing

for the work of his own hand.

So have faith, and do not wonder,

for our God can make us stand.

And we shall live forever,

As the work of his own hand.

Friends of our God, though they may pass away,

Will never be forsaken.

All those asleep who in God's memory stay,

From death he will awaken.

Then we'll come to see all that life can be:  Paradise eternally.



Art by Kloe



Happy-ness

Sometimes I read through this blog and it makes me feel bad to see the happy stuff. It's been only 2 months since Mom died. If my life were different, if I didn't have my family, these two babies who depend on me to make their world turn...

...but that isn't even true...   the truth is, I just don't want to live in that dark place being swallowed up by sadness- it hurts too bad. So many people I know have died or lost loved ones this year. Mothers, fathers, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, teachers, mentors, friends.... Life keeps going forward to everyone left behind. There's a whole history of humankind who've all died in the end, no matter what their story was.

 I don't know what my point is here... Except I have want to be here now- I am alive, and I want to be alive. The real choice is HOW I am going to be alive. I can't choose the dark place and still live my life. The only way to move forward is toward the light, and that means allowing, no fighting for, happiness.

I know I will see my Mom again... Time doesn't exist for her right now, but someday she will want to know that I did the best I could with my life. I want to tell her that I missed her horribly every single second she wasn't with me, but that I was still able to be happy and that I made a happy life for my family.

Daryn

Today is November 3, 2006. This marks the 22nd anniversary of the day that my older brother Daryn died in a horrible car accident. I can't believe so many years have gone by. He's been gone now almost as long as he was here. I was 8 years old the day that it happened. It was his 23rd birthday. He had gone out to "celebrate" his birthday at the Paradise bar with his friends and cousins. It was beer for a dime day. Everybody drank too much. I finally understand as an adult that when everybody drinks no one has good judgement. For years I blamed my older cousins who let him get into that truck and drive to Plains. I was after all, only eight. Things are pretty black and white to little kids. Now I understand that they all (including Daryn) had a huge lapse in judgement that day. He just got caught by it that time.

My brother was good to me. He loved kids and he always made a real effort to make me feel special. He was a good man with a good heart. For years I pretended to myself that he wasn't really dead, that he had just gone on a very long vacation. Or that he had been kidnapped and someday he would escape and return to us. I was afraid that he was going to disappear from my memory, that I wouldn't remember his voice or what it felt like to be with him. I shouldn't have worried though. He still shows up in my dreams, even after all this time.

I know someday I will see him again, because the bible tells us that there will be a resurrection of anyone who has fallen asleep in death. I really look forward to meeting him and knowing him as an adult. I will be HIS older sister. Until then, I will always remember and miss him.