Thoughts

Some of the noise has cleared from my mind.  It really does help to write feelings, and reasons about feelings down.  I like to write them down and read them the next day to see if everything I wrote still feels true to me.  I like to read it again six months later to see if, after time has passed and I don't remember exactly what I was thinking or feeling, the words still ring true.  I like to read old stuff I've written (from a couple years ago) because I don't always remember even writing some things at all- it's fun to read old stuff as if a stranger had wrote it and then think 'do I like the person that wrote that and would I choose to hang out with that person'.  It's kind of an esteem booster (or a dose or reality) based on whatever the answer is to that question. 

I realize that my thoughts shape my reality.  Sometimes you have to acknowledge some of the darker thoughts and feelings.  And then you have to let them go again.  If you don't let go, you're allowing someone else to still control your reality, even when they aren't part of it anymore.

It always comes back to the whole 'Look to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you'.  Time to finish taking care of old business, put it in the safe, and close the door again.  There is way too much good to allow myself to block it with the bad.

Brain Talk

I need to reawaken the left side of my brain.  My life is SO non-responsive to any right-brainy-ness. Abstract and artsy thinking is USELESS when it comes to balancing numbers in quickbooks.  The thought of making sales calls makes my little introverted self shrink and quiver in apprehension. 

If I can't pull this brain out of my head and replace it with one that fits the tasks I have at hand, I'm at least going to have to construct some new masks to wear- maybe I can trick myself and everyone else into thinking I know what in the world I'm doing. 

Obviously my right brain is having issues with this new dictate, as instead of making phone calls and messing with numbers, I am blogging.  Time to shut 'er down for now....

Dream Coach

I've been having the nigglings of guilt for the last week or so at my lame-ness at consistent blogging.  I am just not that great at consistency in ANY area of my life.  It is always a big part of any goal I make for myself to strive for consistency.  Unfortunately my lack of consistency (ironically) has also leaked over into my goal of consistency.

One of my greatest wishes for myself is that of a life coach.  My life coach would be one tough dude.  Man would I hate him- which is why he would need to be a paid employee because that way the choice of following his orders would still be mine.  He would be barking at me from 6:30 in the morning to get UP to write and read and do anything else that requires quiet time.   Then he would run beside me, rain or shine or snow, and he'd be making me run so much harder than I do by myself.  He would keep tighter tabs of my bank account, and really make me sit down and logically figure out where my dollars should be going.  He would sit down with me and make me figure out menus for my family and then find the best ingredients for the best prices.  He would make me work on my assertiveness by making me stand up to HIM, because after standing up to scary HIM everyone else would look like kittens.  He would make me sit down and make a business plan for myself and then make me actually follow through with every intimidating idea.  He would be tapping his toe impatiently, making me hurry up to be on time for any appointments I make and not letting me back out of anything, even if I am feeling wimpy because we are living through the-winter-that-never-ends.  He wouldn't care if I was struggling; he'd be HEARTLESS and just make me do what needs to get done.

Okay, whatever... not gonna be getting a life coach any time soon.  Spring will soon be here, and I will once again just feel like  doing most of the stuff I wish someone would make me do.  I still won't be perfectly consistent, but it'll be enough to keep the momentum needed to make me happy... well in some of the above mentioned areas anyway.  I am thinking I really do need help in some of the areas... maybe a class in self-assertiveness?  *sigh*  Something to think about anyways. 

Life Stuff

Derrick left to do some work out of town Monday morning, so the kids and I are on our own for a couple of days. I was planning on doing some of the projects I've been thinking about during this time, but so far, nothing.

Last night we watched a movie (The Legend of the Guardians), the kids went to bed, and I sat out here on the couch with one of my journals, listening to the all tragic and depressing girl station on pandora (just enter anything from Tori Amos to Regina Spector as your station, or really any female artist under the age of 40 ),  trying to get words down on the paper... a poem, an idea... It didn't have to be great, or even that good, just wanted to write something; anything.  Turns out there was nothing in there to get out, or at least nothing was showing up. All of that quiet time, wasted! Not really- I tucked myself in on the couch, read for a couple of hours and then went to bed.

This last weekend was really busy. We went to have dinner at some friend's house Friday night, and then service Saturday morning, cleaning the house for a large chunk of that day, and friends over to our house for dinner that night. Then meeting on Sunday...and afterward crashing for a four hour nap. It was a good week though. Our C.O. was here- we had a lot of really great talks. A lot to work on (as always). We heard about maintaining focus, forgiving others and what that means, and supporting eachother.

The kids have their music lessons tonight. Kloe really wants me to go to her drum lessons this time. Could be interesting. She loves it, and wants to show me her drummin' skills. I want to go to Derrin's lesson too. I want his teacher to give him more to work at! I'm getting a bit frustrated with him (the teacher) because I know Derrin can handle more, and needs more to stay motivated. I'm thinking drums take priority this week though, or Kloe may never forgive me.

Wow, this was a rambler. It is so much easier to write about what one is DOING rather that what one is FEELING. I feel a little out of touch with how I feel about anything right now. It's kinda nice, actually:)

Brain Malfunction

I wrote a blog in my dream last night. I remember thinking “Wow. I should ALWAYS write in my dreams. This is pretty interesting stuff- it’s all the stuff I want to write down but never remember to!” And then it struck me, “Hey. Wait a minute- I’m DREAMING. How in the world am I going to remember this stuff so I can write it down tomorrow?!?”

So, my subconscious decided that it needed to save the blog in a file. It reached down into my internal memory, made a folder, and drug my newly formed blog into it. Then my brain told me that it would be no problem to just copy and paste into my computer when I woke up.

What really bothers me this morning is that I remember all of the technicalities of saving what I wrote, but I can NOT remember one thing that was in that file. If I can figure out how to retrieve it, there may be a part two to this…

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
- John Jakes