The Passing of Angst

"Don't confuse genuine peace of mind with the passing of angst that follows the demise of a dream but precedes a mounting wave of regret."

*sigh*

Quote of the week off of facebook.  Dang it.  There were about fifty other quotes on the meme with this quote that my auntie posted this week, but this was the one sentence that caught my eye.

And it did catch my eye.

Just a minute ago I was on facebook again, and saw this beautiful portrait of a couple dancing at their daughter's wedding.  I thought "that is a beautiful picture" about five seconds before I realized it was a picture I had taken five years ago at a wedding.

I love to capture moments like that in photography.

So does everyone else on this planet of ours.

*sigh*

I'd given up on that achy, angsty part of myself that actually ever wanted to do something with it.  But a couple of weeks ago at an epic party I had the pleasure to be part of, I happened to take a lot of pictures.  I liked them.  A lot.

Reminded me that I used to really like to do this sort of thing.  And then I saw that picture I'd taken at that wedding all those years ago.

Then this feeling resettled in my bones.  Oh my friend, Angst!!  It's been awhile.  Come on in.

Camping at Painted Rock

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”—-Agatha Christie

Gah.  It is July 26th, a day that by it's sheer placement on the seasonal calender should be a feel good day. I, however, am stuck on my own personal calender of ups and downs which has declared that I will not enjoy it.  Feeling edgy and generally irritated both emotionally and physically.  It even hurt too much to brush my hair this morning.  It's one thing to be a moper during winter; heck, you are just joining the crowd on those days.  It feels recklessly wasteful on a summer day like this, however.  And yet, here I am.

Catching Rays and Reading

So, to get off of that downward train of thought, I will now think of only happy-ness. 



I'll start with last weekends camping foray.  We had such a nice time.  We went to the Painted Rock area (about two hours from here, on the other side of Darby).  There was an icy creek there that the men and kids spend hours reshaping with dams built from fallen logs.

The kids (and grown ups more adventurous than me)spent their time  floating up and down the creek on the myriads of tubes we'd all brought, and playing on the tiny sandy beach.  I spent my time down there catching some sun, chatting, and reading. 

Also spent some time in a lovely hammock.  There are few things are relaxing as rocking gently in a hammock, listening to a chilly stream and the voices of friends and kiddos talking and laughing.

We planned on doing a project with the kids while we were up there- Tie dye T-shirts. It was so fun! I know for a fact that the grown ups had just as much fun with that as the kids did.

They were catching brown trout

Twisting the material for a perdifying effect

Looks like a bucket of organs. huh?

Darby-Do, showing her awesome new shirt!



Oh Yeaaah, He is

EXCITED to be part of this



He did good!

Field of  Drying Tie Dye Shirts

 

Showing off our artistic and peaceful flair.

Summertime, Summasummasummatime

It's Sunday afternoon.  Super sunny outside, bEE-U-Tiful at the moment.  But it's hot, so I'm in here typing away on a computer instead.  Sometime mid-winter, I will read the beginning of this post and slap myself pretty hard.

We just got home from our Sunday meeting and lunch at Fiesta En Jalisco.  The kids are playing Mario.  I'm gonna kick 'em outside here in a minute.  As soon as I get off of this computer.  Don't want to be a hypocrite, after all.

Tomorrow is supposed to be pushing 100 degrees.  A bunch of my fellow Moms and I are taking the kiddos to the waterslide park.  It's going to be my first all day excursion in a swimming suit of the summer- must remember to baste the kids and myself with sunscreen.

Derrick took the kids in service yesterday and then to the waterpark.  He's such a good dad.  I was ill with stomach and headache issues.  It required gluing myself to the couch for most of the day.  A day which was also blissfully quiet, thanks to my husband.  I slept most of the day, and now feel better than I did most of last week.  At first I felt like it was a wasted summer day, but now it is a pleasant memory of silence.

I got rid of the trusty Blackberry last Wednesday, and got a plain ol' cell phone with no data package.  I am going through some SERIOUS Internet withdrawals.  It's much more disconcerting to not be hooked up to all of my email and social network accounts than I expected. 
My sis and her family are all gone to Canada for the next couple of weeks.  They go there every summer to work unassigned territories in super remote areas in their ministry.  They took their boat up and are going through difficult to reach islands.  My brain will not let me access the name of the islands at this time, but the pictures I saw were beautiful.  I haven't talked to her since Wednesday- feels weird; we usually talk every day...

Well, better go be productive-er.  Do laundry or some such nonsense. 

Before I go, here is a link to my favorite comedian Maria Bamford.  (Just for fun) 

:)

"Paradise" Past

Paradise Past

"Many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."~William James


"It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper."~Errol Flynn


“Some people brighten a room by entering it; others, by leaving it.” Lynn Rios

Part of why I feel so verbally congested is that there is so much I'd love to scream out to the world, to just blast it out there, and yet to put it out there is to open myself up to another world of hurt. I am beyond frustrated with a world that is willing to judge me based on preconceptions rather than looking deeper into a history that should scream to truth to everyone.

I've heard comments made about how sad it is that people are so quick to criticize others with addiction problems. I have a very big problem when people say things like that. The people I know who may "criticize" someone with an addiction, are very rarely "quick" to do so. Most the time if you have had someone with an addiction in your life, you have fought for that person for YEARS. You have been through their ups, praying that they can hold it together this time, only to come crashing down with them. You have begged for them to make different choices, you have tried to love them through it, to believe in them and hold their hand. You have lent them money, you have let them live with you, talked your own employer to give them a chance only to later feel completely used and embarrassed. You have watched them lie to your parents over and over, saying anything to get more money out of them even when your parents are on a fixed income and barely able to make it anyways. You have watched your mother worry for years, the stress making her sick. And then you get to watch the person with the addiction sit back and blame everyone else for how crappy his life is. It is now YOUR fault, because you had the audacity to finally say enough is enough.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

A lifetime of these people with addictions and zero personal responsibility causing myself and all the people I love pain, destroying themselves and anyone near them, and yes, I am done. I don't care if people think I am self-righteous and judgemental. If anyone is more interested in listening to the addicted person's 'wha wha' story instead of looking at the trail of destruction BLAZING behind that person, then I don't need that person in my life either.

Just know this: The people who came before you in the addict's life DID care. They did all they could to save the person you think you will be able to save with your love. But the problem was never that there wasn't enough love in the addicted ones life, it was that he loved his addiction more than he loved the people who loved him.

The truth is, I have had to make choices in my own life about addictions too. I could have chose to self-medicate my life away. I could have decided to live a life completely against everything my parents ever told me was important and true. I could have done things that made my mom cry and then drank until I didn't feel guilty about it anymore. And it did take me awhile to point my finger at myself and make the changes I needed to make to not let that poison infect my life like I'd seen it infect others.


Life is nothing but a string of choices.

Well, then addiction is a disease, right? No one chooses to get a disease. No one chooses to get diabetes either. But what about the choice to sit there and eat sugar until you die? You have to choose to live. You choose to not eat the sugar. And at least the sugar doesn't make you use and hurt everyone in your life so much that eventually there is nothing left.

This world believes in something called "tough love". I've been part of a family with issues of alcoholism for so long, words like "co-dependency" and "enabling" are completely understood. The only thing that ever protected my family from the the pull of enabling our addicted members was being part of an organization that practiced tough love when it got to the point where the addiction was so out there (DUI's in the newspaper, outlandish behavior) that it had to be addressed. Even then, help was extended first. Help has always been extended, from friends, family, all hands reached out with help. But what do you do when the addiction means more than all the love and help in the world? You protect yourself. Finally, you protect yourself.

When the addicted goes off and starts another life with a new host to feed the addiction, but keeps the addiction, do you quit protecting yourself? No. A lifetime of experience says NO. As long as the addiction is active, it's like poison just waiting to infect you and your life.

I am angry. I am hurt that people who should have the brains to ask me really important questions, haven't. People should be able to look at my sister and I, and see how much we love our parents, and that we have always and will always do anything we can to help them. We respect them. We cared for Mom all through her darkest years, and we fought for her with every single ounce of love we carry for her in our hearts. She was our best friend, a huge and essential part of our lives. Everything that ever hurt her, hurt us too.

Sometimes I think it may have hurt us more- it's a hard thing to watch someone you love get hurt repeatedly by the same person or people. It builds up in a person. To see a person you love hurt, and disrespected is almost unbearable, but when you have addicts hanging around, you get to experience it over and over. I am unwilling and unable to act as if there is no damage and that what has happened never really happened.

I am done.

Anticipation

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life." ~ C.S. Lewis---- I just like this quote a lot. It reminds me of winter (and of winter-ish times in life), and of how I wish half of my life away while I pine for Spring to come.

The sun is out today.  I went out for a walk/run, and there was an actual warm breeze blowing in my face  *happy sigh*.  The first day of spring is in 33 more days.  It is coming people!!!  I am looking forward to seeing all the snow melt, and to little tulips and spring flowers pushing up through unfrozen dirt.  Looking forward to walking out my door and being hit with the delicious smell of spring.... also to seeing the fields turn yellow with wild flowers.  Can't wait to get my hands into the dirt,  planting seeds and anticipating their growth.  Soon there will be days and days of sun, just waiting for all living things to come out and soak it up.

In the mean time, I am happy to be here, right now- even if it is still winter.

Crying

“Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later and then you still have to decide what to do.”

 C.S. Lewis quote

 

Decisions Decisions....

“Whatever you don’t like, change.  It’s the beauty of being human.  We get to change our minds.  We get to choose again.  And we know how to laugh.”- Lois Levy

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."- Ralph Waldo Emerson 


"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."  Arnold Bennett

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

"We can change our lives.  We can do, have and be exactly what we wish." Tony Robbins


Change is scary for me (and probably for most people).  Sometimes you have no say in the matter; life changes completely without your permission.  Other times there is choice involved.  The thing is, it can be hard to decide when you need to change things.  It's hard to tell if that little nagging voice in the back of your head needs to be heeded or hushed up.  I have a hard time letting myself quit, whether it's a project, a relationship, a job, or anything I've been giving my attention to.  It isn't so much stubbornness, as a general distrust of my own feelings.  Am I just tired of whatever I'm thinking of quitting?  Am I going to regret my choice when a little bit of time has passed?  Am I being lazy?  Do my feelings of wanting to quit have any validity?


What I know is that we are all the creators of our own reality.  Right now my reality does not feel like what I want to choose.  I want to have a positive attitude and really I am doing okay in that department, all things considered.  But I feel like I need to change some things.  Anyways, I am planning on taking action and setting some of those changes in motion.  Nothing immediate... just setting the groundwork for later.  As long as I can see things changing in the future, I can make it through the days feeling more in control.

Pros:

• To spend the kid's summer vacation with them- spend more time playing.
• To be able to spend more time with my sister, dad, steph, tara and david, friends, and to have  the freedom to do so.
• To be able to spend more time camping and making memories with my husband and family.  
• To be able to be at home on days when I can not deal with people and I'm feeling too fragile.
• Easier to schedule service.
• Easier to schedule running
• Tired of dealing with cranky people (of the grown-up variety)
• More time to pursue photography, art and making jewelry, and writing.

Cons:

• Will need to find another way to make money, or make due with less- although this may interfere any of the fun stuff that requires money.
• Won't be forced to deal with people as much (which is actually a good thing for me).
• Will need to force myself to be scheduled without being on someone else's schedule.
• The chances of finding a place to work where I like the people (fellow employees anyways), where they are so kind about my schedule, and where they pay as decently, are pretty slim.

Everything Is A Miracle

I'm cheating~ I'm too antsy about leaving work and excited about getting out of town to settle down and write anything, so I'll have Albert do it for me:) 

 --by Albert Einstein

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people; first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy.
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.
Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
Only a life lived for others is worth living.

No one can bring you peace but yourself. -Emerson

I feel bad today.  I've felt bad  off and on this week. I've tried to think of what anyone else could say or do that would make me feel better, and there just isn't anything.  I can't even define the feeling.  It's a mix between:

sad

adj. sad·der, sad·dest

1. Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.

2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.

3. Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing: a sad movie; sad news.

4. Deplorable; sorry: a sad state of affairs; a sad excuse.

5. Dark-hued; somber.

need·y

adj. need·i·er, need·i·est

1. Being in need; impoverished.

2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

rest·less

adj.1. Marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest: spent a restless night.

2. Not able to rest, relax, or be still: a restless child.

3. Never still or motionless: the restless sea..

an·gry

adj. an·gri·er, an·gri·est

1. Feeling or showing anger; incensed or enraged: angry at a rude neighbor; angry with a salesclerk.

2. Indicative of or resulting from anger: an angry silence.

3. Having a menacing aspect; threatening: angry clouds on the horizon.

4. Chiefly New England & Midland U.S. Inflamed and painful: an angry sore.

In Response to the above feelings, I am now going to think of:

Things that make me feel good-

cook·ies also cook·ys  (kk)

n. pl. cook·ies

A small, usually flat and crisp cake made from sweetened dough.

choc·o·late  (chôk-lt, chôklt, chk-)

n.Fermented, roasted, shelled, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweetener or flavoring agent.

My kids (MI kds)

n.a. My children.

b. MY young persons.

Slang Pal. Used as a term of familiar address, especially for a young person: Hi, kids! What's up?

run·ning  (rnng)

n.1. The act or an instance of running.

2. The power or ability to run.

3. Sports The exercise or sport of someone who runs.

shop·ping

v.intr.

1. To visit stores in search of merchandise or bargains.

2. To look for something with the intention of acquiring it.

trav·el  (trvl)

v. To go from one place to another, as on a trip; journey.

pho·tog·ra·phy  (f-tgr-f)

n.1. The art or process of producing images of objects on photosensitive surfaces.

2. The art, practice, or occupation of taking and printing photographs.

3. A body of photographs.

friends  (frnds)

n.1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
C. S. Lewis

Bitterness is...

...like eating poison and expecting someone else to die...

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. ~Bill Meyer

We plant seeds that will flower as results in our lives, so best to remove the weeds of anger, avarice, envy and doubt... ~Dorothy Day

Physical strength is measured by what we can carry; spiritual by what we can bear. ~Author Unknown

Positive anything is better than negative thinking. ~Elbert Hubbard

I am sure that nothing has such a decisive influence upon a man's course as his personal appearance, and not so much his appearance as his belief in its attractiveness or unattractiveness. ~Leo Tolstoy

A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.

Anywhere you go liking everyone, everyone will be likeable. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

Something to think about while road ragin'...

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
Sydney J. Harris

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
- John Jakes

Asking for Help is Really Hard

“You create your opportunities by asking for them.”
Shakti Gawain

“The strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul.” Rona Barrett

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again… but also, she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
–Mark Twain

Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.
- Anne Wilson Schaef

How could you possibly run a cool family, team or organization without asking for help? In fact, how could you run a cool person, YOU, without asking for help?

I'd say one of the hardest things about being a parent is you CAN NOT do it by yourself. Even in a dual parented family, outside help is going to be almost certainly needed. So, in the typical way of child-rearing, I have had to stretch and grow. This has required learning to suck it up, and ask for help. Especially because I work (Only part-time! What about the single moms who work full time?!? My mind boggles.) I have to ask people to help me with my kids. Even though I have people in my life who are more than happy to help, I still find myself cringing when I have to ask. All of the same feelings I've always had when asking for help come creeping up. I'm asking too much, I'm irresponsible, I'm inconsiderate of other people's time or resources... Gack.

I must remember: Asking for help is not a bad thing. I would say that to ANY of my friends or family if they asked me for help. It requires humility- and maybe that is part of the puzzle, I need more of that humility stuff. It requires faith in people too- just because someone can't help me this time, doesn't mean they don't want to or won't try to at a later time. Just because one person said no, it doesn't mean the next person won't say yes.

I am discovering that asking for help is the only way I'm going to navigate this life. Especially since my children's happiness is involved do I have to make this leap. I can not be the kid starving in college because I'm too prideful to ask my folks for money (thank goodness my sis would slip me some cash). No longer can I afford to fight weaknesses without grabbing a helping hand.

Life is so REAL when you have kids! It isn't just me that hurts when I don't get help. And that's the bottom line.