I'm sitting here watching yet another episode of the show "Hoarders" on netflix. I have heard of this show, but WOW is it riveting. I'm watching it with only part of my mind, because the other very large part of my mind is rearranging the art supply/lizard stuff that has taken up residence in my kitchen. This show is inspiring me.
Before "Hoarders", Derrin and I watched the show "Heavy", which is about compulsive eaters and lifestyle changes. That show, while making me tear up repeatedly while watching their struggles, actually made me feel better. Why? Because I am in the midst of a very restrictive diet myself, and I too am surrounded by delicious things to eat.
I must hold on to the hope that there will be HUGE dividends health wise for all of this perseverance. So far, the hardest moment to stay the course was last weekend while camping. Camping while on food restrictions is a purely masochistic thing to do. I knew that when I was agreeing to go, but I went anyway.
On this particular camping journey, my dear husband remembered to bring our ice cream maker. This was our forth camping trip this summer, and every time he meant to bring the machine and he remembered this time. It was a nice treat for our fellow campers and the kids. I had a great idea of adding marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers to the ice cream mix, but it was mostly a plot to get the temptations out of my camper and unable to travel home with me. It was a little depressing for me, but it created nice memories for the kiddos, I'm sure.
I have more empathy for my mom's struggle with her special anti-cancer diet now. I've always known how huge food is in socialization. However, knowing it mentally compared to actually being faced with being the restricted one are very different things.
*I was the one who shopped for all of the awesome camping food that I would not be eating. *I helped prepare some of the awesome things that I would not be eating (although Derrick did the lion's share of that, bless that man), and *I mostly ignored the deliciousness all around me as I ate my lean protein and vegetables.
But, when I sat there surrounded by people eating the decedent Camping Ice Cream that I'd help make, I had little envy darts shooting out all over. I carefully made myself stare into the campfire, sip my iced tea, and try to ignore the gasps of mutual agreement that this may indeed have been the best ice cream any man has been know to consume.
I understand a bit of the reluctance my mom had in committing the rest of her life to the absence of such pleasures. Like her, I have given up many things that I enjoyed in the name of health, whether that be for physical, emotional or spiritual health. However, food (and I'm talking about anything that isn't lean meat or leafy green veges) is one of those things that I have always counted on for pleasure and comfort.
Giving up comfort food has brought up some weird feelings for me. On some level, a part of me is screaming, "COME ON! Food is the one thing we have left! What is the point of being alive is we can't even have this one last thing?!?" I could rebut that thinking with things like music, reading, love, connection, art, and a lot of other things that do point to reasons for 'being alive', but the 'quietly screaming level girl' is not a great listener or a great reasoner. She's just too hungry for that.
I like this new connection I now have with my mom; this new understanding. I have had feelings of anger and frustration with my mom ever since she died. I've been mad that she didn't stay on her diet better. My sadness has been mixed in with so many 'if onlys', If only she would have stayed on her diet she would still be here. But, she stayed on her diet for years, that's why she lived so many years beyond a stage four cancer diagnoses. I am only a week into these food restrictions, and I'm sure I have the smallest inkling of what she went through. No wonder she needed to know that her diet wasn't going to be the forever kind. It doesn't even matter about the diet anyways. For all of my frustration and sadness aimed at that diet, the truth is my mom didn't choose to get colon cancer. The truth is she fought tooth and nail, and now I have more understanding of the emotional and spiritual muscle it took to fight that fight. And I appreciate that she did that mostly for us, for the people who love(d) her. It's huge that she did that.
Mom has been on my mind a lot lately. It's been almost exactly a year ago that the real downturn happened. I can't believe that it has been a year. It's like realizing somehow you've lived through the first year of becoming blind, or deaf, or losing a limb. We are still alive and going forward, but life will never be right until she is with us again.
She has been showing up in my dreams more and more.
Some of today was spent searching for her in our old family videos. I found her in more than I anticipated, which made me happy. They are all on old analog 8mm video tapes- I thought that I might be able to make digital recordings of the videos being played on tv, but the quality is pretty poor. Either I need to find a way to directly transfer the videos to my computer, or I need to send them out somewhere to have it done. I'd like to not have to drag out all of the old tapes and recorder every time we want to watch the videos. I was surprised at how many videos we have of the kids growing up too. THAT was nice to realize.
I have two new pages above now. There is one with Mom's Slideshow (finally figured out how to get that online), and another one with old videos of the kids and whatever I could find of Mom. Like I said, the quality isn't great yet, and I have a lot more to put up there (just a few up there so far), but it's been a fun little project and it makes me happy that the videos are so accessible to myself and anyone else who would like to watch them.
Before "Hoarders", Derrin and I watched the show "Heavy", which is about compulsive eaters and lifestyle changes. That show, while making me tear up repeatedly while watching their struggles, actually made me feel better. Why? Because I am in the midst of a very restrictive diet myself, and I too am surrounded by delicious things to eat.
I must hold on to the hope that there will be HUGE dividends health wise for all of this perseverance. So far, the hardest moment to stay the course was last weekend while camping. Camping while on food restrictions is a purely masochistic thing to do. I knew that when I was agreeing to go, but I went anyway.
On this particular camping journey, my dear husband remembered to bring our ice cream maker. This was our forth camping trip this summer, and every time he meant to bring the machine and he remembered this time. It was a nice treat for our fellow campers and the kids. I had a great idea of adding marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers to the ice cream mix, but it was mostly a plot to get the temptations out of my camper and unable to travel home with me. It was a little depressing for me, but it created nice memories for the kiddos, I'm sure.
I have more empathy for my mom's struggle with her special anti-cancer diet now. I've always known how huge food is in socialization. However, knowing it mentally compared to actually being faced with being the restricted one are very different things.
*I was the one who shopped for all of the awesome camping food that I would not be eating. *I helped prepare some of the awesome things that I would not be eating (although Derrick did the lion's share of that, bless that man), and *I mostly ignored the deliciousness all around me as I ate my lean protein and vegetables.
But, when I sat there surrounded by people eating the decedent Camping Ice Cream that I'd help make, I had little envy darts shooting out all over. I carefully made myself stare into the campfire, sip my iced tea, and try to ignore the gasps of mutual agreement that this may indeed have been the best ice cream any man has been know to consume.
I understand a bit of the reluctance my mom had in committing the rest of her life to the absence of such pleasures. Like her, I have given up many things that I enjoyed in the name of health, whether that be for physical, emotional or spiritual health. However, food (and I'm talking about anything that isn't lean meat or leafy green veges) is one of those things that I have always counted on for pleasure and comfort.
Giving up comfort food has brought up some weird feelings for me. On some level, a part of me is screaming, "COME ON! Food is the one thing we have left! What is the point of being alive is we can't even have this one last thing?!?" I could rebut that thinking with things like music, reading, love, connection, art, and a lot of other things that do point to reasons for 'being alive', but the 'quietly screaming level girl' is not a great listener or a great reasoner. She's just too hungry for that.
I like this new connection I now have with my mom; this new understanding. I have had feelings of anger and frustration with my mom ever since she died. I've been mad that she didn't stay on her diet better. My sadness has been mixed in with so many 'if onlys', If only she would have stayed on her diet she would still be here. But, she stayed on her diet for years, that's why she lived so many years beyond a stage four cancer diagnoses. I am only a week into these food restrictions, and I'm sure I have the smallest inkling of what she went through. No wonder she needed to know that her diet wasn't going to be the forever kind. It doesn't even matter about the diet anyways. For all of my frustration and sadness aimed at that diet, the truth is my mom didn't choose to get colon cancer. The truth is she fought tooth and nail, and now I have more understanding of the emotional and spiritual muscle it took to fight that fight. And I appreciate that she did that mostly for us, for the people who love(d) her. It's huge that she did that.
Mom has been on my mind a lot lately. It's been almost exactly a year ago that the real downturn happened. I can't believe that it has been a year. It's like realizing somehow you've lived through the first year of becoming blind, or deaf, or losing a limb. We are still alive and going forward, but life will never be right until she is with us again.
She has been showing up in my dreams more and more.
Some of today was spent searching for her in our old family videos. I found her in more than I anticipated, which made me happy. They are all on old analog 8mm video tapes- I thought that I might be able to make digital recordings of the videos being played on tv, but the quality is pretty poor. Either I need to find a way to directly transfer the videos to my computer, or I need to send them out somewhere to have it done. I'd like to not have to drag out all of the old tapes and recorder every time we want to watch the videos. I was surprised at how many videos we have of the kids growing up too. THAT was nice to realize.
I have two new pages above now. There is one with Mom's Slideshow (finally figured out how to get that online), and another one with old videos of the kids and whatever I could find of Mom. Like I said, the quality isn't great yet, and I have a lot more to put up there (just a few up there so far), but it's been a fun little project and it makes me happy that the videos are so accessible to myself and anyone else who would like to watch them.
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