Why is it so hard to write sad feelings and post them? No one has ever told me that it's only okay to ever feel and express happiness. But, when people ask how I'm doing, I smile and say I'm fine just like everybody else does. We all do that, don't we? And, besides some of the stuff I'm gonna write about here today, I AM fine. I have so much to be grateful for. I have a husband who I love and like, awesome kids, my sis and dad and family and friends, a home, food in the refrigerator. I can see and hear and I'm still breathing, and even if I've made mistakes in my life I still have the choice to do better ever day that I am alive.
With that being said, it's been awhile since I wrote anything in here. I've been in a bit of a void. I've been trying to figure out how to describe 'the void', so I googled some of the feelings swirling around in there, and google let me know I am depressed. My body and mind feeling stuffed with concrete was also a good indication.
Naw, google didn't have to cue me in; I knew what was going on. It's that time of year again. Autumn has always been a time for me when the happy goes away and the time drawing up a survival plan has arrived. I've let go of some of the good habits that have helped me through the last couple of years. I haven't ran in months, and that was the thing that helped the most. I hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of years, and I attribute that to consistant running. My self-esteem was bolstered. After all, it's hard to give too much weight to other people's opinions of you when you run five miles a day on your own will power. I think I had started to take the benefits of running for granted. Or, I'd forgotton the misery of social anxiety and depression, and how it diminishes any light that can come into my life.
It's hard to be a very good friend when I'm like this. I feel so guilty about that. It's hard to make and keep play dates. It's hard to be that safe harbor for others during their storms, when I feel so unanchored myself. I want to be a good friend.
I had a bad panic attack at meeting last Sunday. Thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, or I was going to pass out. It started right after the meeting. We were sitting in the front row. I stood up, and started walking back towards the other people, planning on talking to someone, and that's when my heart started racing. I went back to the bathroom and sat there for a bit, trying to calm myself down. I didn't know what I was going to do, because Derrick was still out there and he had the car keys. So, I just sat there until I could breathe a little easier. I finally peeked out the door, and Derrick wasn't too far away. I went over to him, and actually talked a bit to the group he was talking to, but he told me I was a bit wild eyed. We left right away. I'd actually went out the the car early the previous Sunday too, because I'd started to feel really uncomfortable. It's a bit frustrating, and definitely something I need to get under control again, because I don't want everyone there to think that I am avoiding them or have some bad feelings about anything. Nothing could be further from the truth. I guess the feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin is not a "good" feeling, but it is entirely about me and has nothing to do with my feelings about them.
We had our assembly day yesterday. It was full of encouraging talks. It was good to see everyone, although I wish we would have had more time to visit! I completely missed some friends, and just had quick drive-bys with others. I stuck pretty close to my sister and Derrick- my safe people.
Gah. October 19th is looming. This time last year, we were at Mom's, embarking on the darkest month of our lives (so far). It boggles my mind that it has been a year since that time. One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out who I am again. Before Mom had cancer, I was a stay at home momma of two little ones, and that is who I was. Then Mom got cancer, and the next five years I was one of the many people trying anything to keep her in our lives. Everything related to it. Now that she is gone, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.
I fought so hard to have a positive attitude after we lost her. I knew I needed to work hard to stay afloat. Life keeps going on. I knew eventually Spring and Summer would come along, and they did. I knew eventually Fall and Winter would come back too, but I tried not to think too much about that. I think I quit fighting to stay afloat prematurely. Need to start fighting again.
Anyways... well, this is about as disjointed as I thought it might be. My goal is to not delete it after posting:)
With all of the above written down, a new goal list may be in order. I checked out what I wrote last year, and it seems a bit ambitious right now. But it's a good starting point:
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings. 16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3. Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting. Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
Physical
1. Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week. Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2. Continue green drinks daily.
3. Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1. Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards. Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day. Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel. Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table! Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
3. Paint my bathroom.
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family. Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES. Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends. No disappearing. I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change. Dwell on the positive, not the negative.
With that being said, it's been awhile since I wrote anything in here. I've been in a bit of a void. I've been trying to figure out how to describe 'the void', so I googled some of the feelings swirling around in there, and google let me know I am depressed. My body and mind feeling stuffed with concrete was also a good indication.
Naw, google didn't have to cue me in; I knew what was going on. It's that time of year again. Autumn has always been a time for me when the happy goes away and the time drawing up a survival plan has arrived. I've let go of some of the good habits that have helped me through the last couple of years. I haven't ran in months, and that was the thing that helped the most. I hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of years, and I attribute that to consistant running. My self-esteem was bolstered. After all, it's hard to give too much weight to other people's opinions of you when you run five miles a day on your own will power. I think I had started to take the benefits of running for granted. Or, I'd forgotton the misery of social anxiety and depression, and how it diminishes any light that can come into my life.
It's hard to be a very good friend when I'm like this. I feel so guilty about that. It's hard to make and keep play dates. It's hard to be that safe harbor for others during their storms, when I feel so unanchored myself. I want to be a good friend.
I had a bad panic attack at meeting last Sunday. Thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, or I was going to pass out. It started right after the meeting. We were sitting in the front row. I stood up, and started walking back towards the other people, planning on talking to someone, and that's when my heart started racing. I went back to the bathroom and sat there for a bit, trying to calm myself down. I didn't know what I was going to do, because Derrick was still out there and he had the car keys. So, I just sat there until I could breathe a little easier. I finally peeked out the door, and Derrick wasn't too far away. I went over to him, and actually talked a bit to the group he was talking to, but he told me I was a bit wild eyed. We left right away. I'd actually went out the the car early the previous Sunday too, because I'd started to feel really uncomfortable. It's a bit frustrating, and definitely something I need to get under control again, because I don't want everyone there to think that I am avoiding them or have some bad feelings about anything. Nothing could be further from the truth. I guess the feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin is not a "good" feeling, but it is entirely about me and has nothing to do with my feelings about them.
We had our assembly day yesterday. It was full of encouraging talks. It was good to see everyone, although I wish we would have had more time to visit! I completely missed some friends, and just had quick drive-bys with others. I stuck pretty close to my sister and Derrick- my safe people.
Gah. October 19th is looming. This time last year, we were at Mom's, embarking on the darkest month of our lives (so far). It boggles my mind that it has been a year since that time. One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out who I am again. Before Mom had cancer, I was a stay at home momma of two little ones, and that is who I was. Then Mom got cancer, and the next five years I was one of the many people trying anything to keep her in our lives. Everything related to it. Now that she is gone, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.
I fought so hard to have a positive attitude after we lost her. I knew I needed to work hard to stay afloat. Life keeps going on. I knew eventually Spring and Summer would come along, and they did. I knew eventually Fall and Winter would come back too, but I tried not to think too much about that. I think I quit fighting to stay afloat prematurely. Need to start fighting again.
Anyways... well, this is about as disjointed as I thought it might be. My goal is to not delete it after posting:)
With all of the above written down, a new goal list may be in order. I checked out what I wrote last year, and it seems a bit ambitious right now. But it's a good starting point:
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings. 16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3. Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting. Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
Physical
1. Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week. Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2. Continue green drinks daily.
3. Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1. Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards. Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day. Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel. Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table! Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
3. Paint my bathroom.
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family. Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES. Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends. No disappearing. I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change. Dwell on the positive, not the negative.
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