Loss

I (and a lot of other people) lost a very special person yesterday in a car accident. It was a personal loss to me because this man has been there for me these last couple of years, helping me figure out some things that very well could have permanently altered my life in a negative way if I hadn't have changed them. Because of his own life experience, and his ability to use the bible in a way that could reach both my mind and heart, his words sunk in. They have stuck with me in such a way that it is his voice I hear whenever I am tempted to revisit self-destruction. I can't believe that he is gone. He was one of those pillars that you expect to be there for a lifetime for you to lean on... I wish that I had told him again how much I appreciated everything he had done for me and how much I loved him. One thing that I have been holding dear to my heart is that one of the last times that we talked he told me that he was proud of me. That meant a great deal to me. I will have to hold on to that, and also hold the same things that reassure me about my mom- time doesn't exist for them now, they are safe in Jehovah's memory, and the next thing they know they'll be waking up in the Paradise.

My New Winter Goals

Every fall, before winter falls around my shoulders again, I like to make a new list of goals- a Survival Guide if you will.  Last year I focused mainly on running, and I'm happy to say I actually stuck with it and it helped greatly.  I've been through a lot this year, and one of the benefits from all the turmoil (a dramatic word, but oh-so-accurate), is that it has given me plenty of time to pause and contemplate what I need in my life.  Hopefully my follow-through on this years list will be as good as last year (although my list is quite a bit longer).
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings.  16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3.  Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting.  Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
 Physical
1.  Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week.  Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2.  Continue green drinks daily.
3.  Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1.  Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards.  Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day.  Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel.  Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
 Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Finish the paintings I started last winter before I start any new ones this winter!!!
3. Make the necklaces with the beads that Renae and I bought in Canada this summer (with Renae!)
4. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table!  Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
5. Strip Kloe's dresser and paint it and her lizard's stand.
6. Paint my bathroom using fuex(fuax? Foe? I think I'm getting farther away from correctness) techniques Lyns and I are gonna learn this weekend!!!
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family.  Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES.  Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends.  No disappearing.  I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change.  Dwell on the positive, not the negative.

Mom's Obituary

We lost our very dear wife, mother, grandmother, sister and friend at the age of 71 on October 18th, after a four year battle with cancer.  She fought courageously, and refused to let cancer define her or take over her life.  Through it all, she remained the same kind, loving, supportive and beautiful woman we have always known.

Patsy was born February 7, 1939 in Paradise, to Ruby and Charles.  She was the third of six siblings.  She was a true Paradise child, swimming in the river, riding bikes, and spending her days with siblings, relatives and friends in the tight-knit community that Paradise was in those years.  She grew into a fun-loving teenager who could play both guitar and piano.  She met the love of her life, William, when she was 17 and soon married him in December of 1956.  They made their home in Paradise where they first raised their four older children (Lonnie, Danny, Daryn and Renae) and then their two younger children (Rachel and Shaun).  Their house was always full of love and laughter, music, friends and family.  On July 31, 1971 after studying the bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Patsy dedicated her life to Jehovah and was baptized.  She spent the rest of her life serving her God and one of her greatest joys was sharing the hope she’d found with others.  She believed with all her heart in the resurrection described in John 5:28,29 where it says: “.. the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out…”  This hope along with the assurance of living forever on a paradise earth with her family and friends brought her great comfort.  (Ps. 37:29- “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.”) Patsy was a member of the Thompson Falls Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Some memorable things about Patsy include her extreme kindness to family, friends and strangers alike.  She always believed the best in all of us and helped us to believe in it too.  She never gave up on us, even when we struggled.  She was always there to celebrate with us during good times, and hold our hand through hard times. 

She was so brave!  When she believed in something she didn’t hesitate to go against the crowd and say out loud (in a kind way) how she felt.  She always did what she knew was right and true even if it meant standing apart.  She approached everyone she met as a friend she just hadn’t met yet.  She was  loved by so many.  Just by her example alone she affected so many lives in powerful, positive ways.  Not just of the people who witnessed her and changed their lives based on her example and hope, but also their children and families.

We will miss her spiritedness and playfulness.  No one loved to play cards (and WIN!) as much as Patsy.  She was passionate about shoes and had many of them.  No one had a better sense of humor; she loved to laugh.  She was truly pure at heart.  She told us all how much she loved us every chance she had.  We never had any doubt about how much we were loved; she made sure of it.

She gave us a powerful legacy to live up to.  Our lives will never be the same again without her.  We ache for the day when we get to see her again, when she will be healthy and will be restored to youthfulness.(Job 33:25;  Rev. 21:3,4)

Being Raised One of Jehovah's Witnesses

One of the greatest gifts my mother (and father) ever gave me was that of teaching me everything that they knew from the bible. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses from the time I was born. That meant several things for me; for non-witness kids the most noticeable thing about me was I never celebrated holidays (if you wonder why ask me!) or birthdays. Even as a little kid I got used to being different from other kids and learned to be okay with that.
Being a witness also meant going to three meetings a week where we would learn from the bible in an almost school-like way. We studied before going to meetings to better understand what we were learning there. It also included preaching from door to door, doing what Matthew 24:14 taught us to do.If you think being different in school from everyone else, going to meetings to learn about the bible all the time and preaching were easy for a kid... then you would need to think again. But those were times when I learned vital lessons about who I wanted to be and what I wanted my life to be about. I definitely knew what the choice I was making meant for me when I was baptized at the age of 12. I had committed myself to being one Jehovah's people for life- not a thing to be done lightly, and really it wasn't something I could just jump into even if I tried. I had to answer many questions first to prove I knew what course of action I was committing myself to (as everyone who gets baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses does).
Just because my parents put all of this hard work into raising me, it doesn't mean I never let them down. Anyone who knows me from high school knows that I was not a shining example of how a Christian should act. I made several HUGE mistakes- I knew better, but thought I was missing out on fun so I did things I shouldn't have. There were several things that I could have been removed from the congregation for. Definitely things that were against the course I had committed myself to when I made my promise to God. I sorta just faded away from the congregation for awhile and did my thing. I have a lot of regrets from those days because a lot of my choices hurt other people, witnesses and non-witnesses alike.We are going through old pictures this week for a sideshow we are doing at Mom's memorial, and one that struck me is at my own graduation- my mom is hugging me and she just looks so SAD. I hate that I hurt her in those days! Mom never gave up on me- she saw the truths she'd taught me as a child as a vehicle to save me from myself. I don't know how many times I asked her to JUST STOP trying to get me to come back!!! I got to the point where I felt so low, like I could never feel good about myself again- I'd made so many bad choices. Mom NEVER gave up on me though, and eventually I woke up. Mom and Dad let me move back in with them and I talked to the "elders" in our congregation who helped me talk about what I had been doing. They could see I really regretted the choices I'd made and they helped me move passed them. They could have chose to remove me- I had shown complete disregard for everything I'd promised and hurt others and myself in the process, but I learned there (and several times since-I'm apparently a slow learner) that the elders want to help me. A person is only removed when they decide that they no longer want to be part of the congregation, and would rather live a life that isn't the one they previously committed to in their babtism.
I am SO grateful for the help the congregation and elders have given me in those times and in times like we are having now.
As an adult I go to meetings and study the bible, and still go in our bible door to door ministry. I'm passing on the gift my parents gave to me to my own children. The hope from what I've learned from the bible is so worth living a life that means swimming against the current(and fighting myself!) on a daily basis. Especially in times like these- losing my mom has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Losing her to cancer was an unimaginable horror. My dad,sister, niece, nephew and I were her primary caregivers that last month, and it was like watching her die in slow motion. A living nightmare for her and for us. The only thing that gets us through it is the hope we have from the bible that if we are loyal to God, we will see her again. When she wakes up she is going to be healthy and feel so much better again (Daniel 12:2 says there will be many of those asleep in the ground of dust who will wake up, these to indefinitely lasting life...). I refuse to let anything ever come between me and that hope ever again.

The Holder of Who I Really Am

There are nights I wake up when I feel like I am on the cusp of a long forgotten memory. It feels bittersweet to me, like a gift that for a moment my mind almost had access to days past, but also a reminder that your days, weeks, years go by, and it is almost as if they never happened. I don't remember any of it, and most certainly no one else will remember it for me.

I understand why people feel compelled to journal their days, as a way to try to keep oneself from disappearing all together. It's also partly why big events, like marriage, the days our children are born, or being publicly recognized for one's accomplishments are such a big deal to us; those are days that are etched deeper into our minds and become gifts of memory.

Most of my biggest battles are quiet achievements no one knows about but me. They are experiences I don't care for any other humans to know about, and yet they define me with the roads taken or not taken.

I always hope I will be able to hold on to those cherished moments, because for me they are ultimate victories of either choosing not to do a tempting wrong thing, or of fighting through to do the right thing, despite a sinful inclination to do just the opposite. Those are the memories I trust Jehovah to hold for me. He knows my daily fight, and he remembers when I succeed. He is the holder of who I really am, even when I forget.