Happy-ness

Sometimes I read through this blog and it makes me feel bad to see the happy stuff. It's been only 2 months since Mom died. If my life were different, if I didn't have my family, these two babies who depend on me to make their world turn...

...but that isn't even true...   the truth is, I just don't want to live in that dark place being swallowed up by sadness- it hurts too bad. So many people I know have died or lost loved ones this year. Mothers, fathers, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, teachers, mentors, friends.... Life keeps going forward to everyone left behind. There's a whole history of humankind who've all died in the end, no matter what their story was.

 I don't know what my point is here... Except I have want to be here now- I am alive, and I want to be alive. The real choice is HOW I am going to be alive. I can't choose the dark place and still live my life. The only way to move forward is toward the light, and that means allowing, no fighting for, happiness.

I know I will see my Mom again... Time doesn't exist for her right now, but someday she will want to know that I did the best I could with my life. I want to tell her that I missed her horribly every single second she wasn't with me, but that I was still able to be happy and that I made a happy life for my family.