Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. ~Bill Meyer

We plant seeds that will flower as results in our lives, so best to remove the weeds of anger, avarice, envy and doubt... ~Dorothy Day

Physical strength is measured by what we can carry; spiritual by what we can bear. ~Author Unknown

Positive anything is better than negative thinking. ~Elbert Hubbard

I am sure that nothing has such a decisive influence upon a man's course as his personal appearance, and not so much his appearance as his belief in its attractiveness or unattractiveness. ~Leo Tolstoy

A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.

Anywhere you go liking everyone, everyone will be likeable. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

Summertime!

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And on to better things...

So, let's talk about some happy stuff! The kids:) They are doing super dupe. So far this summer hasn't been to shabby at all in kidland. We are doing the usual going to gramma's house while I am at work, and it seems to be suiting everyone just fine. Derrin finally saved up enough to pay for his half of his WII just as the summer was starting. He has already become very proficient at the sports games that came with it, and is now gunning for Mario world. Both kids are TAN (as usual for them) from being outside so much. Kloe is anxiously awaiting to see if Lizzy's egg (one of them got moldy and had to be thrown out) is going to hatch. Come the first of September we shall see. Lizzy is currently with-egg again, so we are being super careful with her out of respect for her delicate condition. The kids had a lot of fun at the assembly (minus the head bonking at the pool) and this week they've been out in service a bunch:) Our CO is here this week. Have heard some very good talks that I have appreciated even in my funk:) This Saturday I am going to Plains to do some family portraits for my auntie and her family, but I will be coming back that night so I'll get to be home this weekend. This summer has been so full, and it seems like we've been away from home for a lot of the weekends, so it feels nice to get to be at home. There is always an up side.

Ode to Moodiness

I ran for the first time in a week this morning. It was the first time outside for the last two weeks. I had to MAKE myself go... with a lot of prodding from Derrick. I wanted to lay down on the couch, or putter around the house in slow motion instead. Scary, how fast progress goes away. It wasn't that the run itself was that much more difficult (although I did go at a slower pace), it was the wanting to run that suffered. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that it is the 23rd of the month. I can be guaranteed at least ten days of negative thinking a month, if not more. But it feels worse this month. My carousel is riding much lower than usual. Every regret of the past, every person I may have insulted or hurt, every thing I may have written that could have been damaging is flying into my brain at the same moment. Things I have found a measure of peace with are back and kicking me in the stomach. Wrong self-injurious thoughts, and a tasteless self-pity. Worry over things I can't change are knocking on my door. I am 34 years old! I'm supposed to be over this crap by now, or at least I should have figured out some way to control this!
I went to meeting last night and felt like I was both in a fog, and yet twitching to get out of there. I looked around at everyone else, and saw that they were all having animated conversations, showing the love to each other that we are supposed to. We just got back from the assembly Monday- driving back I felt so confident that I would be able to really make some big steps forward. I want to do better. I still think in a lot of ways I can do better. But some things feel so out of my control. There are days when I am driving that my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest and I am going to start ramming my car into other drivers if they don't get out of my way, and other times when I'm driving in a fog completely unaware of the time. Days when I get to the hall and feel like smiling at everybody and actually have the nerve to approach others, but then times where I'd rather slip on a cloak of invisibility because I feel absolutely empty inside. Sometimes it has to do with hormones. Sometimes I don't know WHY it's one way or the other. All I know is that the little bit of control I have over it is RUNNING. I need to start fighting harder for that little bit of control again. It really has been a couple crazy weeks, but I could have fought harder to run at times that maybe weren't as convenient or easy. Sleeping in an hour and a half longer is not worth feeling this way. It is worth being a little too hot while running during the late part of the day to not feel this way.

Not Good

Last week we got the news from the Plains Clinic (where Mom is seeing Dr. Dry now), that her CEA was down the around 600. Initially I was skeptical, thinking that we needed to wait until we heard what the levels measured out as at the Missoula clinic. But I guess we all needed some hope. We all decided it was because of how well she'd stuck to her regiment while staying at Renae's after Dad's heart surgery, and that all of the work had actually paid off. I think we all felt pretty relieved about it.

Just got a call from Mom awhile ago. The CEA count in Missoula is 1947. It has actually gone up pretty dramatically since last time it was checked in Missoula. I had chalked up my suspicions of cancer in her stomach as an over reaction (I was pretty high-strung during that whole time period) since her numbers had apparently went down, but now I don't know.

Past and Present

There you are again
I pass you in the hall
Guiltily I look away
Rebuked from one so small
You follow me everywhere
You stare from every window
Still damning me for sins
That happened long ago
Even though it's in the past
No need to feel the shame
You still find a way to poke
The wound to feel the same
Why didn't you protect me?!
Instead I learned to cower
Hunkered down I lost my voice
I still can't find that power
At times I still see you there
Reflected in dark eyes
Our shared pain and hurt is there
But hidden in disguise
Why do I keep looking back
When all I see is you?
I'm more than what I used to be
That should mean you are too
I just can't escape you
No matter how fast or far
My reflection is where you'll always be
Where I go is where you are. ...

Mom @ the assembly

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Hmmm. Not too much to report. We were at the assembly last weekend, which was of course, VERY good. Lots to work on. As usual. It was good to see my family there. We had a moment of excitement when Kloe fell and bonked her head on the cement at the swimming pool. There was a ultra-zealous paramedic there onsite who wanted to ambulance her to the hospital immediately. I wanted to wait a bit, and see how she did. So we had some medics come to us and check her out. They said she was fine. But it was VERY dramatic.

I haven't been running. My brain is shaking in my head because of it. *sigh* Oh well, I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and try not to self-destruct. Can we do it? Yes! We can?

Kobe

Our weekend with Kobe was awesome:) I picked him up Friday after I got off of work. I had rented a WII game that Derrin had been salivating over (Mario World?), so the boys jumped back into game world as if never parted. Saturday we drove to T. Falls to see the family and go to Renae's swimming party. The weather was perfect, the kids got along (mostly), and everything just just fun:)

Something to think about while road ragin'...

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
Sydney J. Harris

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
- John Jakes

Summer ROCKS

July 3rd we (Renae, Steph and I) went to Lilith Fair over at the Gorge in Washington. It was AWESOME!!!! The line up was fantastic! I FINALLY got to see my favorite musical artist EVER (Sarah McLachlan) live! Wow, I was excited. I finally understand why all of those silly little girls at Beatles concerts screamed like... silly little girls:) There was also Sheryl Crow, Sugarland, Erykah Badu, Cobly Coley, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals (awesome new band!), and A Fine Frenzy (LOVED LOVED LOVED HER!!! Check her out!!) The crowd was interesting to watch (ah hem), but peaceful and just there to have a good time. Definitely want to do it again! I would be a Lilith Fair Follower if it didn't put me so far in the Out Of Touch With Reality category! :) I'll post some pics later when I get a chance.

Besides that, life is pretty much back to normal. The kiddies are back home with us, and it is nice! I missed them so much! We are going to have Kobe come stay with us this weekend, and I am looking forward to seeing him too:)

Add to those details of life :

~A lot of gardening.

~Also replacing dead goldfish in the front pond (Benny and Joon did not make it- Johnny and June in the little back pot pond are holding strong. Yesterday we put Zavidy (Derrin's fish), Zena (Kloe's fish) and JoonTU (MY fish) in the front pond- here's to hoping they LIVE).

~Also, Lizzy (Kloe's girl gecko), laid her first two eggs last week- they are in a little dish on the warm side of their aquarium. I will rejoice if they hatch.

~There was also quite a bit of road rage on my part I had planned on sharing, but I'm thinking the only thing that needs to be said is: I need to quit yelling at bonehead drivers in front of my kids. Derrin thinks I don't like elderly drivers because the last three people to cut me off in traffic have been little old ladies. I seriously am trying to chill out!!

I have to say, this summer so far has been pretty incredible, and it's not even half way over yet! We still have our assembly in Kennewick in a couple of weeks, our motorcycle trip with Doug and Renae, some photography stuff lined up, and our trip to SEATTLE (yay!). May this summer never end.

Lilith Fair!!!

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