Ode to Moodiness

I ran for the first time in a week this morning. It was the first time outside for the last two weeks. I had to MAKE myself go... with a lot of prodding from Derrick. I wanted to lay down on the couch, or putter around the house in slow motion instead. Scary, how fast progress goes away. It wasn't that the run itself was that much more difficult (although I did go at a slower pace), it was the wanting to run that suffered. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that it is the 23rd of the month. I can be guaranteed at least ten days of negative thinking a month, if not more. But it feels worse this month. My carousel is riding much lower than usual. Every regret of the past, every person I may have insulted or hurt, every thing I may have written that could have been damaging is flying into my brain at the same moment. Things I have found a measure of peace with are back and kicking me in the stomach. Wrong self-injurious thoughts, and a tasteless self-pity. Worry over things I can't change are knocking on my door. I am 34 years old! I'm supposed to be over this crap by now, or at least I should have figured out some way to control this!
I went to meeting last night and felt like I was both in a fog, and yet twitching to get out of there. I looked around at everyone else, and saw that they were all having animated conversations, showing the love to each other that we are supposed to. We just got back from the assembly Monday- driving back I felt so confident that I would be able to really make some big steps forward. I want to do better. I still think in a lot of ways I can do better. But some things feel so out of my control. There are days when I am driving that my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest and I am going to start ramming my car into other drivers if they don't get out of my way, and other times when I'm driving in a fog completely unaware of the time. Days when I get to the hall and feel like smiling at everybody and actually have the nerve to approach others, but then times where I'd rather slip on a cloak of invisibility because I feel absolutely empty inside. Sometimes it has to do with hormones. Sometimes I don't know WHY it's one way or the other. All I know is that the little bit of control I have over it is RUNNING. I need to start fighting harder for that little bit of control again. It really has been a couple crazy weeks, but I could have fought harder to run at times that maybe weren't as convenient or easy. Sleeping in an hour and a half longer is not worth feeling this way. It is worth being a little too hot while running during the late part of the day to not feel this way.