Laundry, Schedules and Other Interesting Topics

Been meaning to update in here for awhile, but actually being able to find the time and the desire and the words to write down has been beyond me for weeks.  So, it is 2:37 AM, a time when I should be snuggled up in bed, toasty and asleep.  For some reason my brain decided to snap back to attention at 1:30 AM.  Instead of fighting it, I came out into the living room thinking I would be super woman and write something in here.  Instead I started doing the inevitable Internet surfing, in which I find myself looking at random pictures of Maine Coons and catching up on my favorite blogs written by other people. 

Tomorrow I don't go to work until noon.  This house is a WRECK.  I have ambitious plans of doing many loads of laundry, cleaning everything, vacuuming and scrubbing and making this place sparkle all before I leave the house.  If nothing else, I will make a big enough dent in the wreckage so that when I walk through the door upon returning from work, I won't get that fight or flight response I had today when I got home.

I was so on top of all of this too!  For the last couple of weeks I have been following a schedule religiously.  There are days for working for the business to chip away at the list our accountant gave me and balance QB. Days for cleaning the house and doing laundry. This all mixed in with working at my part time job and getting back into my regular running/exercise schedule, while still making sure the kid's homework is done, their rooms are being cleaned, groceries are bought, and meals are created.  Things were under control!!  I was giving myself pats on the back for the consistent organization that I'd accomplished in my life for many many days in a row. 

This weekend my dad got really sick and had to be hospitalized.  I spent most of the weekend over there with him, trading off and on with my siblings until he felt well enough to leave today.  He still doesn't feel awesome, but he's happy to be out of the hospital (he's staying at my sister's house for now).  It was a pretty chaotic weekend for all of us.  Lots of sleep deprivation and taking care of things more important than laundry and cleaning stuff.  Oh well, those things always wait for me.

Besides the craziness of this weekend, I am feeling better (since my last couple of blog posts).  The vitamins, candida cleanse, running, and getting rescheduled in life all seem to have finally kicked in.  Just in time for winter, which was what I hoped would happen.  I think I will survive in one piece now.  Another thing that I just started about two and a half weeks ago (with Shannon) is a workout called Body Pump.  It is a brutal workout that engages all muscle groups with thousands of reps to music for about an hour just a couple times a week.  I feel so much mentally clearer since I started going.  The hour of pain is definitely worth it.

Different topic... We took the kids to a pool party last night.  Lots of their (and our) friends were there, and it was super fun.  A great way to avoid being at home on halloween night!  Mental note: must do this again next year.

Well, this has been a lot of rambling.  It's been fun, but I think I am tired now.  Gonna go to bed and hope for a fabulous four hours of sleep before I get up again and start kicking butt (maybe) and get reschedulized.

One Year Ago Today

He Will Call 

Job 14:13-15 (Song 111)

Life, like a mist, appears for just a day,

Then disappears tomorrow.

All that we are can quickly fade away,

Replaced with tears and sorrow.

If a man should die, can he live again?

Hear the promise God has made:

He will call; the dead will answer.

They shall live at his command.

For he will have a longing

for the work of his own hand.

So have faith, and do not wonder,

for our God can make us stand.

And we shall live forever,

As the work of his own hand.

Friends of our God, though they may pass away,

Will never be forsaken.

All those asleep who in God's memory stay,

From death he will awaken.

Then we'll come to see all that life can be:  Paradise eternally.



Art by Kloe



My Babies as Babies

This one is Derrick playing with Kloe when she was just a little mite, and Derrin running in to tell good news about potty training success:)



This one is when Derrin was three years old. He's telling me about what happens at the 'Lition Derby'. FAVORITE.VIDEO.EVER

Adele- Someone Like You

love this song so much...

October Feelings

It's funny; if any of you were to be standing in front of me and ask how I am doing right now, I would tell you I am doing fine.  And I am.  I'm working at my job again (and that is a good thing), my laundry is mostly done, and my house isn't too messy. I'm off of that horrible diet so I can eat chocolate again, and my kids are not hating school or their new teachers.  Derrick and I are doing fine.

And yet, every time I sit down to write lately, it is sad.  There is a disconnect somewhere.  There is 'the fine me', sitting here writing.  I feel pretty good, no headache, don't feel like crying, don't feel upset or mad or really any negative emotion.

Then there is the 'three o'clock in the morning me' that wakes up every single night and thinks and thinks.  Lots of anxiety.  Am I doing enough?  Am I trying hard enough?  Am I being a good enough friend?  Good enough mother? Good enough wife? Sister and daughter?  Human being? Anxiety over past mistakes.  Anxiety that I will never be good enough for anything.  That I will never be as strong as I should be.

And then there is the 'me when I am by myself at home, on my couch, by myself'.  Everything feels pretty futile.  I have 'what is the point' mentality.  Of course I know what the point is.  But there is only a 'point' if I am strong enough and good enough.  And it feels like I fall on my face pretty much all of the time. 

Then I'm back to feeling fine.  Fine is a good place to be.  But it is unreasonable for me to just expect to sail through this month (or life in general) and just get to feel fine.  In fact, I can't think of even one friend who isn't going through something really hard right now and having their own struggle.  This just happens to be my own particular struggle.

Since the middle of September, every day corelates to what was happening at this exact time last year.  We went to our assembly in the end of September, and it reminded us that that was the first assembly Mom couldn't go to because she was just so sick.  September 28th was the day Derrin turned 11, and it reminded me of calling him last year from Mom's house to ask him what being 10 felt like.  Last weekend was the anniversary of the first time we gave her the strong pain medication patch that took away her pain but also her ability to talk.  And now every day is a memory of a day in a string of days that progressively became darker and darker.

This time last year was one of the hardest my family has ever gone through.  I can't describe what it felt like to watch Mom fading away.  I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a look in my eyes I'd never seen before, and I couldn't make that look go away no matter how hard I tried.  It was so surreal to see real suffering in my own eyes.  It was heartbreaking to see that suffering in the eyes of every other person losing her too.

When she died, there was grief, but it ended that horrible period of time, that month of unendurable suffering.  We grieved, but we didn't have to exist in a world where our mom was hurting anymore.  There was a relief in that.  I never had to walk into that house to see her hurting on that bed again. 

It was like the fire that was cancer had taken five years to reach us as we were all bound above it, knowing what the inevitability was.  We fought as hard as we could to put the fire out, but one day it reached our feet.  Then it took a month to consume our bodies as we dangled there, not able to do a thing to put it out, just twisting in pain as we burned.  And then the fire had nothing left to consume.  And we were burned and scarred and hurting, but we weren't on fire anymore, and I was relieved. 

And every day I woke up and I wasn't on fire anymore, I was relieved. 

I still don't know that I'm done feeling relieved, and the fire has been out for a year. 

Maybe we are just far enough on the other side, that under the scar tissue old nerves are starting to reawaken. We spent a lot of time watching the fire build under us. That sort of thing really takes a lot of attention. Fear is a powerful thing.

The first six months after, I didn't stop moving or running.  Running makes me feel better.  It is a tangible thing that I can do to FIGHT despair and guilt and depression.  It makes me focus on and appreciate the fact that I can BREATHE, that I have this body that is still alive and has the ability to feel good, feel pain, struggle and sweat.  I have a heart in this body that still pounds when I make it. 

I haven't been running so much these last couple of months.  I need to get out there again and remind myself that I am alive and breathing.

I haven't even really done any photography this year, not like before.  Maybe that is another thing that needs to be picked up again. 

Writing helped before too.  It's easier just to write about what's going on in our family life, and that serves a purpose, but when I started THIS particular blog, it was called 'The Lamentations of a Girl from Paradise'.  Sometimes lamenting needs to be allowed.  In my life I can't just talk about this stuff.  There needs to be a place to put it.  Tonight it is going here.

hi

So.  It has been a month since I've posted anything in here.  I'm having a hard time articulating my feelings lately.  I've written plenty, posted and then removed the post many times.  That counts still, right?

Just wanted to say 'hi' to anyone checking in.  As soon as I figure out what I want to say, I will be back.

A Void

Why is it so hard to write sad feelings and post them?  No one has ever told me that it's only okay to ever feel and express happiness.  But, when people ask how I'm doing, I smile and say I'm fine just like everybody else does.  We all do that, don't we?  And, besides some of the stuff I'm gonna write about here today, I AM fine.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a husband who I love and like, awesome kids, my sis and dad and family and friends, a home, food in the refrigerator.  I can see and hear and I'm still breathing, and even if I've made mistakes in my life I still have the choice to do better ever day that I am alive.

With that being said, it's been awhile since I wrote anything in here.  I've been in a bit of a void.  I've been trying to figure out how to describe 'the void', so I googled some of the feelings swirling around in there, and google let me know I am depressed.  My body and mind feeling stuffed with concrete was also a good indication. 

Naw, google didn't have to cue me in; I knew what was going on.  It's that time of year again.  Autumn has always been a time for me when the happy goes away and the time drawing up a survival plan has arrived.  I've let go of some of the good habits that have helped me through the last couple of years.  I haven't ran in months, and that was the thing that helped the most.  I hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of years, and I attribute that to consistant running.  My self-esteem was bolstered. After all, it's hard to give too much weight to other people's opinions of you when you run five miles a day on your own will power.  I think I had started to take the benefits of running for granted.  Or, I'd forgotton the misery of social anxiety and depression, and how it diminishes any light that can come into my life.

It's hard to be a very good friend when I'm like this.  I feel so guilty about that.  It's hard to make and keep play dates.  It's hard to be that safe harbor for others during their storms, when I feel so unanchored myself.  I want to be a good friend.

I had a bad panic attack at meeting last Sunday.  Thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, or I was going to pass out.  It started right after the meeting.  We were sitting in the front row.  I stood up, and started walking back towards the other people, planning on talking to someone, and that's when my heart started racing.  I went back to the bathroom and sat there for a bit, trying to calm myself down.  I didn't know what I was going to do, because Derrick was still out there and he had the car keys.  So, I just sat there until I could breathe a little easier.  I finally peeked out the door, and Derrick wasn't too far away.  I went over to him, and actually talked a bit to the group he was talking to, but he told me I was a  bit wild eyed.  We left right away.  I'd actually went out the the car early the previous Sunday too, because I'd started to feel really uncomfortable.  It's a bit frustrating, and definitely something I need to get under control again, because I don't want everyone there to think that I am avoiding them or have some bad feelings about anything.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I guess the feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin is not a "good" feeling, but it is entirely about me and has nothing to do with my feelings about them.

We had our assembly day yesterday.  It was full of encouraging talks. It was good to see everyone, although I wish we would have had more time to visit!  I completely missed some friends, and just had quick drive-bys with others.  I stuck pretty close to my sister and Derrick- my safe people.
Gah.  October 19th is looming.  This time last year, we were at Mom's, embarking on the darkest month of our lives (so far).  It boggles my mind that it has been a year since that time.  One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out who I am again.  Before Mom had cancer, I was a stay at home momma of two little ones, and that is who I was.  Then Mom got cancer, and the next five years I was one of the many people trying anything to keep her in our lives.  Everything related to it.  Now that she is gone, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. 

I fought so hard to have a positive attitude after we lost her.  I knew I needed to work hard to stay afloat.  Life keeps going on.  I knew eventually Spring and Summer would come along, and they did.   I knew eventually Fall and Winter would come back too, but I tried not to think too much about that.  I think I quit fighting to stay afloat prematurely.  Need to start fighting again.

Anyways... well, this is about as disjointed as I thought it might be.  My goal is to not delete it after posting:)

With all of the above written down, a new goal list may be in order.  I checked out what I wrote last year, and it seems a bit ambitious right now.  But it's a good starting point:
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings. 16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3. Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting. Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
Physical
1. Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week. Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2. Continue green drinks daily.
3. Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1. Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards. Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day. Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel. Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table! Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
3. Paint my bathroom.
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family. Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES. Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends. No disappearing. I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change. Dwell on the positive, not the negative.

Food Connection

I'm sitting here watching yet another episode of the show "Hoarders" on netflix. I have heard of this show, but WOW is it riveting. I'm watching it with only part of my mind, because the other very large part of my mind is rearranging the art supply/lizard stuff that has taken up residence in my kitchen. This show is inspiring me.

Before "Hoarders", Derrin and I watched the show "Heavy", which is about compulsive eaters and lifestyle changes. That show, while making me tear up repeatedly while watching their struggles, actually made me feel better. Why? Because I am in the midst of a very restrictive diet myself, and I too am surrounded by delicious things to eat.

I must hold on to the hope that there will be HUGE dividends health wise for all of this perseverance. So far, the hardest moment to stay the course was last weekend while camping. Camping while on food restrictions is a purely masochistic thing to do. I knew that when I was agreeing to go, but I went anyway.

On this particular camping journey, my dear husband remembered to bring our ice cream maker. This was our forth camping trip this summer, and every time he meant to bring the machine and he remembered this time. It was a nice treat for our fellow campers and the kids. I had a great idea of adding marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers to the ice cream mix, but it was mostly a plot to get the temptations out of my camper and unable to travel home with me. It was a little depressing for me, but it created nice memories for the kiddos, I'm sure.

I have more empathy for my mom's struggle with her special anti-cancer diet now. I've always known how huge food is in socialization. However, knowing it mentally compared to actually being faced with being the restricted one are very different things.

*I was the one who shopped for all of the awesome camping food that I would not be eating. *I helped prepare some of the awesome things that I would not be eating (although Derrick did the lion's share of that, bless that man), and *I mostly ignored the deliciousness all around me as I ate my lean protein and vegetables.

But, when I sat there surrounded by people eating the decedent Camping Ice Cream that I'd help make, I had little envy darts shooting out all over. I carefully made myself stare into the campfire, sip my iced tea, and try to ignore the gasps of mutual agreement that this may indeed have been the best ice cream any man has been know to consume.

I understand a bit of the reluctance my mom had in committing the rest of her life to the absence of such pleasures. Like her, I have given up many things that I enjoyed in the name of health, whether that be for physical, emotional or spiritual health. However, food (and I'm talking about anything that isn't lean meat or leafy green veges) is one of those things that I have always counted on for pleasure and comfort.

Giving up comfort food has brought up some weird feelings for me. On some level, a part of me is screaming, "COME ON! Food is the one thing we have left! What is the point of being alive is we can't even have this one last thing?!?" I could rebut that thinking with things like music, reading, love, connection, art, and a lot of other things that do point to reasons for 'being alive', but the 'quietly screaming level girl' is not a great listener or a great reasoner. She's just too hungry for that.

I like this new connection I now have with my mom; this new understanding. I have had feelings of anger and frustration with my mom ever since she died. I've been mad that she didn't stay on her diet better. My sadness has been mixed in with so many 'if onlys', If only she would have stayed on her diet she would still be here. But, she stayed on her diet for years, that's why she lived so many years beyond a stage four cancer diagnoses. I am only a week into these food restrictions, and I'm sure I have the smallest inkling of what she went through. No wonder she needed to know that her diet wasn't going to be the forever kind. It doesn't even matter about the diet anyways. For all of my frustration and sadness aimed at that diet, the truth is my mom didn't choose to get colon cancer. The truth is she fought tooth and nail, and now I have more understanding of the emotional and spiritual muscle it took to fight that fight. And I appreciate that she did that mostly for us, for the people who love(d) her. It's huge that she did that.

Mom has been on my mind a lot lately. It's been almost exactly a year ago that the real downturn happened. I can't believe that it has been a year. It's like realizing somehow you've lived through the first year of becoming blind, or deaf, or losing a limb. We are still alive and going forward, but life will never be right until she is with us again.

She has been showing up in my dreams more and more.

Some of today was spent searching for her in our old family videos. I found her in more than I anticipated, which made me happy. They are all on old analog 8mm video tapes- I thought that I might be able to make digital recordings of the videos being played on tv, but the quality is pretty poor. Either I need to find a way to directly transfer the videos to my computer, or I need to send them out somewhere to have it done. I'd like to not have to drag out all of the old tapes and recorder every time we want to watch the videos. I was surprised at how many videos we have of the kids growing up too. THAT was nice to realize.

I have two new pages above now. There is one with Mom's Slideshow (finally figured out how to get that online), and another one with old videos of the kids and whatever I could find of Mom. Like I said, the quality isn't great yet, and I have a lot more to put up there (just a few up there so far), but it's been a fun little project and it makes me happy that the videos are so accessible to myself and anyone else who would like to watch them.