One of the things I miss most about mom is how I'd just have to think about calling her, and my phone would ring... She'd be calling me. It was funny- half of the time Renae would be trying to call too, like we'd all decided we needed to talk at the same moment. I talked to my mom almost every day of my life... Even if it was just a thirty second phone call to say hi and I love you. I miss her.
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A Clean Room...

On a different note, Kloe's room is once again clean. That is something that bares reporting AND repeating: KLOE'S ROOM IS ONCE AGAIN CLEAN. I would like -->*like*<-- to report that she was the one that made it so, and I can say that it was a semi-valiant effort... well, at least it was a time-consuming effort. She spent a lot of time in there, rearranging piles and tucking things away into nooks and crannies, hopefully never to be heard from again. *sigh* *SIGH* And then... ->I<- caved and cleaned it for her. It took me two and a half HOURS to do it!!! (!) Three bags of garbage, all art supplies gathered and boxed together, dresser drawers rearranged into some semblance of order, new clothes bar installed that is just her height so she can now hang up her OWN clothes, toys grouped together in their own boxes... new baskets just for shoes.... and presto, CLEAN.

New plan of action: To avoid repeating our pattern yet again, I have put labels on EVERYTHING. Everything now has a home. It finally dawned on me that she makes no distinction between any of her treasures- they are all equal in her eyes, and they all deserve to roam about her room as they will. My sweet little moonbeam of a child... Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you are asking), there is a new sheriff in charge (at least until she learns how to corral her own stuff). This has to be better than the frustration that inevitably comes when her room is completely out of control again.

Status of room so far: CLEAN (for two whole days!!!)

Run, Running, Runable, run-atious, Runanananun

So I am officially signed up for the "Run for the Health of It" 5K this Saturday. Should be interesting as I haven't been able to get myself to run even ONCE this whole month. I may be walking quite a bit of it. I'm hoping that this will be a springboard for beginning to run again though. I need to do it!!! Between my obsession with chocolate, black licorice, and anything fatty and delicious lately PLUS my couch potato-ism, my pants were a bit tight this morning. I was so going to run today before work... that didn't happen, but I did make a green drink (kale, blue berries, cranberries, banana) and took my vitamins for the first time in a month- yay for self-care... But seriously, running and all that other stuff is going to be huge in the surviving of this winter, which has always been a struggle for me anyways, even before everything that has happened with mom.

I've been reading a lot about delayed grief. Talked to Renae yesterday about how I just don't seem to feel much of anything right now (besides being so tired and lethargic), and she said that is how she feels too. Brandon too- he hasn't really cried at all... and I know Steph is there too. Even Dad seems to be there with us. A lot of stuff I've been reading says that this can happen a lot with care givers of terminally ill loved ones- it's a coping mechanism we have when we need to get through an especially hard time (like when caring for someone who is actively dying), but that it is hard to turn off after the crisis has passed. I feel like we are sitting on a ticking time bomb. Dad wants us to come down and go through her things soon. Also, we are need to choose a headstone and sprinkle her ashes...

Back to the race... SO, Renae called me yesterday to let me know that Partnership for Health is one of it's sponsors and beneficiaries. It is... not sure if ironic is the right word here... well, just a fun fact for us, especially since Steph and I (Patsy's progeny) are going to run something for them, since they were the ones who let her go for YEARS without a colonoscopy, even after she repeatedly reported symptoms that screamed colon cancer. If they would have listened to her (even if they would have just had her get one because she was over fifty), she would still be alive today. Because of what happened to Mom, they changed the whole structure of when to recommend colonoscopies to their patients. This run could even be in reaction to what happened to her- trying to make colonoscopies more available and affordable to lower-income people. So, it will be a bittersweet thing to run for them on Saturday... mostly sweet though. I wish that funds had have been available for my mom all those years ago (and that her doctor would have recommended she use them).

Things that make me feel....

Chocolate, black licorice, shopping....
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5K for Colon Cancer Screening:)

Run for the Health of It •The (WMON) is pleased to announce the 2nd annual 5K fun walk/run. All proceeds benefit Montana Cancer Screening Program which provides assistance for colon cancer screening. Starts at 10 am. The start and finish in front of The Women's Club. The course is a flat fun maze through the neighborhood. All preregistered participants are guaranteed a insulated travel mug. Stick around after the race for great prizes and raffle. Register prior to October 31st for $16, then $20 up to race day.

I feel differently than I thought I would in the days and weeks following my mom's death. I guess I thought I would cry more... instead it just doesn't feel real. Life is back to normal already... it just goes on. I don't know if it's because I am relieved that she isn't hurting anymore or what. Maybe it's because I've been saying goodbye to her for the last four years... Part of me is scared that it is still lurking in the background, waiting to come crashing in on me with all of the pain I remember having when my brother died. The other part of me is afraid that this is it, and I won't be able to grieve the way that she deserves.

Bitterness is...

...like eating poison and expecting someone else to die...

Mom's Obituary

We lost our very dear wife, mother, grandmother, sister and friend at the age of 71 on October 18th, after a four year battle with cancer.  She fought courageously, and refused to let cancer define her or take over her life.  Through it all, she remained the same kind, loving, supportive and beautiful woman we have always known.

Patsy was born February 7, 1939 in Paradise, to Ruby and Charles.  She was the third of six siblings.  She was a true Paradise child, swimming in the river, riding bikes, and spending her days with siblings, relatives and friends in the tight-knit community that Paradise was in those years.  She grew into a fun-loving teenager who could play both guitar and piano.  She met the love of her life, William, when she was 17 and soon married him in December of 1956.  They made their home in Paradise where they first raised their four older children (Lonnie, Danny, Daryn and Renae) and then their two younger children (Rachel and Shaun).  Their house was always full of love and laughter, music, friends and family.  On July 31, 1971 after studying the bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Patsy dedicated her life to Jehovah and was baptized.  She spent the rest of her life serving her God and one of her greatest joys was sharing the hope she’d found with others.  She believed with all her heart in the resurrection described in John 5:28,29 where it says: “.. the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out…”  This hope along with the assurance of living forever on a paradise earth with her family and friends brought her great comfort.  (Ps. 37:29- “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.”) Patsy was a member of the Thompson Falls Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Some memorable things about Patsy include her extreme kindness to family, friends and strangers alike.  She always believed the best in all of us and helped us to believe in it too.  She never gave up on us, even when we struggled.  She was always there to celebrate with us during good times, and hold our hand through hard times. 

She was so brave!  When she believed in something she didn’t hesitate to go against the crowd and say out loud (in a kind way) how she felt.  She always did what she knew was right and true even if it meant standing apart.  She approached everyone she met as a friend she just hadn’t met yet.  She was  loved by so many.  Just by her example alone she affected so many lives in powerful, positive ways.  Not just of the people who witnessed her and changed their lives based on her example and hope, but also their children and families.

We will miss her spiritedness and playfulness.  No one loved to play cards (and WIN!) as much as Patsy.  She was passionate about shoes and had many of them.  No one had a better sense of humor; she loved to laugh.  She was truly pure at heart.  She told us all how much she loved us every chance she had.  We never had any doubt about how much we were loved; she made sure of it.

She gave us a powerful legacy to live up to.  Our lives will never be the same again without her.  We ache for the day when we get to see her again, when she will be healthy and will be restored to youthfulness.(Job 33:25;  Rev. 21:3,4)