hi

So.  It has been a month since I've posted anything in here.  I'm having a hard time articulating my feelings lately.  I've written plenty, posted and then removed the post many times.  That counts still, right?

Just wanted to say 'hi' to anyone checking in.  As soon as I figure out what I want to say, I will be back.

A Void

Why is it so hard to write sad feelings and post them?  No one has ever told me that it's only okay to ever feel and express happiness.  But, when people ask how I'm doing, I smile and say I'm fine just like everybody else does.  We all do that, don't we?  And, besides some of the stuff I'm gonna write about here today, I AM fine.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a husband who I love and like, awesome kids, my sis and dad and family and friends, a home, food in the refrigerator.  I can see and hear and I'm still breathing, and even if I've made mistakes in my life I still have the choice to do better ever day that I am alive.

With that being said, it's been awhile since I wrote anything in here.  I've been in a bit of a void.  I've been trying to figure out how to describe 'the void', so I googled some of the feelings swirling around in there, and google let me know I am depressed.  My body and mind feeling stuffed with concrete was also a good indication. 

Naw, google didn't have to cue me in; I knew what was going on.  It's that time of year again.  Autumn has always been a time for me when the happy goes away and the time drawing up a survival plan has arrived.  I've let go of some of the good habits that have helped me through the last couple of years.  I haven't ran in months, and that was the thing that helped the most.  I hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of years, and I attribute that to consistant running.  My self-esteem was bolstered. After all, it's hard to give too much weight to other people's opinions of you when you run five miles a day on your own will power.  I think I had started to take the benefits of running for granted.  Or, I'd forgotton the misery of social anxiety and depression, and how it diminishes any light that can come into my life.

It's hard to be a very good friend when I'm like this.  I feel so guilty about that.  It's hard to make and keep play dates.  It's hard to be that safe harbor for others during their storms, when I feel so unanchored myself.  I want to be a good friend.

I had a bad panic attack at meeting last Sunday.  Thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, or I was going to pass out.  It started right after the meeting.  We were sitting in the front row.  I stood up, and started walking back towards the other people, planning on talking to someone, and that's when my heart started racing.  I went back to the bathroom and sat there for a bit, trying to calm myself down.  I didn't know what I was going to do, because Derrick was still out there and he had the car keys.  So, I just sat there until I could breathe a little easier.  I finally peeked out the door, and Derrick wasn't too far away.  I went over to him, and actually talked a bit to the group he was talking to, but he told me I was a  bit wild eyed.  We left right away.  I'd actually went out the the car early the previous Sunday too, because I'd started to feel really uncomfortable.  It's a bit frustrating, and definitely something I need to get under control again, because I don't want everyone there to think that I am avoiding them or have some bad feelings about anything.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I guess the feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin is not a "good" feeling, but it is entirely about me and has nothing to do with my feelings about them.

We had our assembly day yesterday.  It was full of encouraging talks. It was good to see everyone, although I wish we would have had more time to visit!  I completely missed some friends, and just had quick drive-bys with others.  I stuck pretty close to my sister and Derrick- my safe people.
Gah.  October 19th is looming.  This time last year, we were at Mom's, embarking on the darkest month of our lives (so far).  It boggles my mind that it has been a year since that time.  One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out who I am again.  Before Mom had cancer, I was a stay at home momma of two little ones, and that is who I was.  Then Mom got cancer, and the next five years I was one of the many people trying anything to keep her in our lives.  Everything related to it.  Now that she is gone, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. 

I fought so hard to have a positive attitude after we lost her.  I knew I needed to work hard to stay afloat.  Life keeps going on.  I knew eventually Spring and Summer would come along, and they did.   I knew eventually Fall and Winter would come back too, but I tried not to think too much about that.  I think I quit fighting to stay afloat prematurely.  Need to start fighting again.

Anyways... well, this is about as disjointed as I thought it might be.  My goal is to not delete it after posting:)

With all of the above written down, a new goal list may be in order.  I checked out what I wrote last year, and it seems a bit ambitious right now.  But it's a good starting point:
Spiritual
1. Improve my prayers.
2.Service twice a week- Wednesday and Saturday mornings. 16 hours a month... better recordings of return visits.
3. Meeting attendance... go whether I feel like being around people or not, no excuses unless I'm bleeding out of my ears.
4.Use Thursday after work as time to study better for that night's meeting. Help the kids prepare an answer for bible reading.
5. Really read my bible every day- even if it's just a couple of verses.
6.Invite friends from our congregation(and not just the family kind) over for dinner at LEAST twice a month... quit being a chicken about having company.
Physical
1. Continue running- get back to 3-4 times a week. Aim for m, t, f 4 miles each and 6 miles on either weekend day- 18 miles total.
2. Continue green drinks daily.
3. Buy more vitamins!!! Take daily!
Financial
1. Make an arrangement to completely pay off our credit cards. Financial freedom!!! Down with credit card slavery!!!
2. Continue to put money into savings every pay day. Then don't spend it.
3. Start a separate savings account just for travel. Start to save for the Europe dream trip that WILL happen someday.
Art & Photography & All Projects
1. Do one photography project a week and post some pics in here.
2. Strip my end tables and stain them black so they FINALLY match my coffee table! Buy the glass for the top of the coffee table.
3. Paint my bathroom.
Relationships
1. Keep in better contact with my friends and family. Phone calls, emails, cards... so they know I love them, because I so do!!! NO MORE HERMIT TENDENCIES. Winter or not- I MUST keep in contact with friends. No disappearing. I am not a bear.
2. Buy Derrick more gifts... do things for him that I like when he does for me:)
3. Play with my kids more.
4. Be more proactive in relationships- make the first move more.
5. Stop sweating the small stuff in relationships, and also the stuff I can not change. Dwell on the positive, not the negative.

Food Connection

I'm sitting here watching yet another episode of the show "Hoarders" on netflix. I have heard of this show, but WOW is it riveting. I'm watching it with only part of my mind, because the other very large part of my mind is rearranging the art supply/lizard stuff that has taken up residence in my kitchen. This show is inspiring me.

Before "Hoarders", Derrin and I watched the show "Heavy", which is about compulsive eaters and lifestyle changes. That show, while making me tear up repeatedly while watching their struggles, actually made me feel better. Why? Because I am in the midst of a very restrictive diet myself, and I too am surrounded by delicious things to eat.

I must hold on to the hope that there will be HUGE dividends health wise for all of this perseverance. So far, the hardest moment to stay the course was last weekend while camping. Camping while on food restrictions is a purely masochistic thing to do. I knew that when I was agreeing to go, but I went anyway.

On this particular camping journey, my dear husband remembered to bring our ice cream maker. This was our forth camping trip this summer, and every time he meant to bring the machine and he remembered this time. It was a nice treat for our fellow campers and the kids. I had a great idea of adding marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers to the ice cream mix, but it was mostly a plot to get the temptations out of my camper and unable to travel home with me. It was a little depressing for me, but it created nice memories for the kiddos, I'm sure.

I have more empathy for my mom's struggle with her special anti-cancer diet now. I've always known how huge food is in socialization. However, knowing it mentally compared to actually being faced with being the restricted one are very different things.

*I was the one who shopped for all of the awesome camping food that I would not be eating. *I helped prepare some of the awesome things that I would not be eating (although Derrick did the lion's share of that, bless that man), and *I mostly ignored the deliciousness all around me as I ate my lean protein and vegetables.

But, when I sat there surrounded by people eating the decedent Camping Ice Cream that I'd help make, I had little envy darts shooting out all over. I carefully made myself stare into the campfire, sip my iced tea, and try to ignore the gasps of mutual agreement that this may indeed have been the best ice cream any man has been know to consume.

I understand a bit of the reluctance my mom had in committing the rest of her life to the absence of such pleasures. Like her, I have given up many things that I enjoyed in the name of health, whether that be for physical, emotional or spiritual health. However, food (and I'm talking about anything that isn't lean meat or leafy green veges) is one of those things that I have always counted on for pleasure and comfort.

Giving up comfort food has brought up some weird feelings for me. On some level, a part of me is screaming, "COME ON! Food is the one thing we have left! What is the point of being alive is we can't even have this one last thing?!?" I could rebut that thinking with things like music, reading, love, connection, art, and a lot of other things that do point to reasons for 'being alive', but the 'quietly screaming level girl' is not a great listener or a great reasoner. She's just too hungry for that.

I like this new connection I now have with my mom; this new understanding. I have had feelings of anger and frustration with my mom ever since she died. I've been mad that she didn't stay on her diet better. My sadness has been mixed in with so many 'if onlys', If only she would have stayed on her diet she would still be here. But, she stayed on her diet for years, that's why she lived so many years beyond a stage four cancer diagnoses. I am only a week into these food restrictions, and I'm sure I have the smallest inkling of what she went through. No wonder she needed to know that her diet wasn't going to be the forever kind. It doesn't even matter about the diet anyways. For all of my frustration and sadness aimed at that diet, the truth is my mom didn't choose to get colon cancer. The truth is she fought tooth and nail, and now I have more understanding of the emotional and spiritual muscle it took to fight that fight. And I appreciate that she did that mostly for us, for the people who love(d) her. It's huge that she did that.

Mom has been on my mind a lot lately. It's been almost exactly a year ago that the real downturn happened. I can't believe that it has been a year. It's like realizing somehow you've lived through the first year of becoming blind, or deaf, or losing a limb. We are still alive and going forward, but life will never be right until she is with us again.

She has been showing up in my dreams more and more.

Some of today was spent searching for her in our old family videos. I found her in more than I anticipated, which made me happy. They are all on old analog 8mm video tapes- I thought that I might be able to make digital recordings of the videos being played on tv, but the quality is pretty poor. Either I need to find a way to directly transfer the videos to my computer, or I need to send them out somewhere to have it done. I'd like to not have to drag out all of the old tapes and recorder every time we want to watch the videos. I was surprised at how many videos we have of the kids growing up too. THAT was nice to realize.

I have two new pages above now. There is one with Mom's Slideshow (finally figured out how to get that online), and another one with old videos of the kids and whatever I could find of Mom. Like I said, the quality isn't great yet, and I have a lot more to put up there (just a few up there so far), but it's been a fun little project and it makes me happy that the videos are so accessible to myself and anyone else who would like to watch them.

Going, Going, Going.... G.O.N.E.



First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for the kiddos.  Derrin is now a fifth grader, a "big kid" in elementary.  Kloe is now a third grader.  I went to school with them this morning to meet their teachers.  Both teachers seem to be really nice, so hopefully this bodes well for a good school year.  Actually, both kids just walked in the door from their first day and said they LOVE their new teachers.  This does bode well.

I can not believe that summer vacation is over for them already!  This summer was one of the fastest on record- I'm pretty sure that is a documented fact.  It looks as though I will have one more month before my summer vacation is over and I go back to work to my part time office job; I am still working for Derrick's business keeping the numbers balanced.  So, while I have more free time, I better concentrate on soaking up every last molecule of sunshine out there.  I'd also better concentrate on bringing some order to this house.  There are still bags that have not been completely unpacked from our Seattle trip.

We went camping with our friends Rob and Deana and their kiddos this weekend.  It was our last chance to really soak up some friend/nature/sunshine/swimming time for the summer. 

The lake we went to was AWESOME; warm, calm and beautiful.  It even had a sandy beach; something rare for these parts.  The kids lived in the water while we were there, and even the grown ups (myself included) spent a lot of time in the water.

We had a great time with Deana and Rob, and the kids all got along really well, which always makes me happy.  Age wise, she is right between their little girls Olivia and Alena.  They all ran around together (usually in groups of two... the mystery of why groups of three NEVER work out with little or big girls goes on and on....) and Derrin was able to hang out with their son Tyler.  All of them had a great time:)

Kloe and Alena seem to have a lot of similarities.  Same sense of humor and that little splash of crazy that makes us wonder what we are going to have going on once teenhood sets in.

I came up out of the lake at one point to dry off on the beach, and Derrick was smiling about something.  When I asked him what was up, he told me that the little girls had run over to him and told him very seriously that there was a headstone on the beach. 

He laughed, thinking their imaginations were going wild (not an uncalled for assumption, actually), and said he was pretty sure that there weren't any headstones on the beach.  They insisted that not only was there a headstone, but you could actually see stones around a grave.  When he again said he didn't think that graves and headstones would be allowed at the beach, they asked him if he'd like to see it. 

Looking Oh So Sad

He agreed, and as they let him to a stone sticking up that really did, strangely enough, look like a headstone.  He was thinking that was weird, he could have sworn there wouldn't be an actual headstone, but then he looked closer and saw the name on the stone was HIS (in little kid handwriting), and the girls were behind him giggling. 

There is no way to tell that story without sounding morbid, but I tell you, this is SO FUNNY.  No one EVER tricks Derrick, but because of their perfect delivery, these two little monkeys pulled a bit of a fast one on him!  I laughed so hard when he told me the story:) If it is a flash of what we have to look forward to when they get older, we'd better hold on to our hats.

Anyways, we will have to remember weekends like this one to get us through the winter.

Even a cold water wuss like me could get in the water!

Olivia's night art around a campfire

The Fam Visits Seattle

We spent this last weekend in Seattle with David and Tia. It was SO good to see them. I wish we lived closer. I wish I had a vehicle that's abilities included warp speed travel...

ANYWAYS, our time there included sushi (at Marinepolis, one of our favorite sushi joints), going to the aquarium, spending some time at Alki beach, and on Saturday the guys took the kids on a ferry ride to Friday Harbor while Tia and I stayed in Seattle and had a marathon girl-talk in which we solved all of the world's problems before going to a movie and dinner.

We ended up taking Jessy with us on our trip. I've never had the experience of traveling with a dog before this little one showed up. She is good in the car, sleeping most of the time. Whenever we would stop for her to go out and go potty, it felt like we were traveling with a rockstar. There was one instant where her rockstar status was severely compromised, but I will get to that in a minute...

I had coffee for breakfast every morning I was there and it was so stinking great. I knew I would pay for it when I got back (and I am), but it was heaven. I always feel really good in Seattle. It might be that it's closer to sea level there, or maybe the extra humidity, OR maybe the fact that it is always vacation time with no responsibilities, or the conversation with Tia (which I suspect may be the real reason- what beats a good talk with a friend in the feeling better department?), but I just felt great.

Then we come home.

Fire on the Mountain

It turned into fire season here while we were over there.

And no coffee means a big, all-day head ache.

And there is road construction on the road leading to my house again.

And I forgot my wallet at Safeway.

And I was going to drive back to Safeway to get my wallet, but then I realized I'd lost my keys, so I couldn't start my car.

I finally gave up finding my keys and borrowed Derrick's, had to reface road construction again and made it back to Safeway. The good news is that my wallet was still in the shopping cart out in the parking lot where we'd left it.

SO, I went home and took a nap.

That has been the bulk of my first day home, with a couple loads of laundry in there too.

School starts a week from today. I can not believe this summer is over. I was able to do pretty much everything I'd hoped to at the beginning of the summer, but I still need more time!!! We have one more camping trip this weekend, a final hurrah to summer. It's with good friends, it will be awesome. But then school starts. *sigh*

SO, on that sorry note, I will tell the story of what happens when you take a puppy to a beach in Seattle...

We'd been working with Jessy to go potty while on a leash the whole time we were over there. She'd stubbornly refused to go at all unless allowed off of her leash, which was only allowed while at David and Tia's place.

We went on a couple outings to Alki beach in West Seattle. It has one of the best views of Seattles skyline I've seen, AND you get to be in sand by the water while seeing that view. It is a win/win for all involved. We decided to bring little Jessy with us because she'd been inside for most of our visit over there; puppy needed to stretch her legs and run around.

We knew she wouldn't love being on a leash, but those are the breaks. As someone who has never been a dog owner as an adult, I have been very surprised by how many places flat out don't allow dogs, and the places that DO allow dogs all seem to require leashes. Seems unnatural, but I didn't make the rules. We would follow the rules at Alki beach; Jessy would wear her leash.

The guys dropped us off so they could find a parking place. We (Tia, kids and myself) made our way down to the water. Jessy was being drug along by her leash. Derrin was limping along in a dramatic fashion because he'd hurt his foot by jumping from high places earlier in the day. Tara and I were carrying our beach chairs, getting ready to do a lot of sitting, talking, and taking pictures of the kids frolicking. Kloe was already heading for the water with every intention of jumping in.

We set our chairs down and proceeded as planned. Eventually the men joined us, and we all were enjoying our time by the water. We were completely surrounded by people (that beach is crazy busy), but it felt like we were the only ones on our little spot of the beach, enjoying our time together.

Then Jessy happened. The puppy who wouldn't go potty while attached to a leash the WHOLE TIME we had been there? Well, whether it was the sand, the sound of the water hitting the shore, or just the relaxed atmosphere we'd all been enjoying, she was all of a sudden in her comfort zone. All of a sudden she was squatting and without thinking I cried out "OH NO!!!", just so if anyone else on the beach WASN'T witnessing our dog soiling the sand, they were now alerted to have the opportunity to do so.

Oh Lordy. There was a lot of illegal puppy poo there, and as new puppy owners, we have NOT developed a good checklist of puppy related things to take on all outings, the first of which would be a plastic baggie for such an occasion. I stood up and started fumbling for my shoes, only thinking "MUST FIND BAGGY". In my shoe finding haze, I missed the heckling calls from the group of people closest to us, but I heard later it was to the effect of "Get that dog off the beach!!" And when I heard them shouting to pick up the poo, I shouted back,"Well yeah, of course we will" because I am a QUICK thinker like that. Did they want me to pick it up with my bare hands and carry it away as penance? Maybe they did, because I felt their eyes on us until we had the situation resolved. David was the one who ran up and found a bag, and then I scooped up the shameful deposit, problem solved. SOOO dramatic. *sigh*

In looking for the baggy, a sign was discovered by David and Derrick that while dogs were allowed on the sidewalk above the beach, they were not allowed in the sand. This was a huge surprised to us, because we had seen literally dozens of dogs down there. If you can't take your dogs to the beach, where CAN you take them? Not only were they not allowed, however, but there was a five hundred dollar fine for having a dog down there. Derrick and David took off with Jessy, intending on going for a walk and avoiding a fine.

As for Tia, myself and the kids, we stayed. We couldn't let the hecklers think they'd driven us off, so we hunkered down and enjoyed the rest of our time there, every extra minute a triumph.

Eventually we had to pack up all of our stuff and go out to find the men and the cars.

We were a pitiful looking crew. Derrin hobbled along like he'd actually LOST his foot at some point, so I carried a chair and my big camera with one arm, and held on to him with the other. Kloe was completely soaked from jumping in the ocean, AND she had about four cups of sand in her underwear from scooting along the beach on her behind while playing. She walked bowleggedly along behind us, tears in her eyes, every inch screaming pitiful, miserable girl. Tia finally took pity and started carrying that 8 year old girl on one hip while carrying one of the chairs in her other. We should have been carrying tin cans so West Seattle could at least throw dollars in there to help relieve our suffering.

Eventually, we found the guys, the puppy and the cars, loaded the broken children in them, and back home we went.

Our Family River Adventure

We took the kids floating down the river this last Saturday for the first time this summer. It turned into such a beautiful, hot August day, and a summer without at least one river float feels as dismal as a winter without a least one ski adventure.

We missed out on going with a bigger group that planned on starting earlier in the day. Our float trip was not so much the product of good planning, as an impulse brought on by a warm, unexpectedly free Saturday. So, instead of the usual large floating group, it was just our little family of four and our friend Parker.

Since this was very possibly the only float trip of this summer, we decided that we'd make it be a long one. We were looking forward to a least three hours on the water, enjoying the hot sun, the cool water, and all of the junk food we had packed away in our cooler (which also had it's own inner tube).

We all carried our tubes down to the water, and put them in it, gasping at it's chilly-ness. The boys all got ahead of Kloe and I, so I held on to her tube's rope with my foot and paddled us both out to where the current was a little faster. She allowed herself to towed along with much grace.

Whenever we float the river with our kiddos, we always have them wear lifejackets, and we always link up our tubes into a big caravan so we can be together and safe. When we caught up with the guys, we all linked up and relaxed. Tubing is the singularly most relaxing thing one can do.

Well, it's one of the most relaxing things you can do UNTIL you find yourself caught in a current,  hurtling toward the side of a mountain with no brakes (brakes on river inner tubes would be a very cool thing). We all paddled our arms furiously against the current. Well, Derrick and I paddled. The kids mostly voiced dire predictions of what our near future would entail, like hitting the mountain.

I hit the sharp points first, with all of my family's and coolers weight hitting against me as their buffer. My tube managed to survive the first bounce. It did not fair so well on the second bounce. The rocks punctured it and it deflated immediately. By this point Derrick had pushed himself, Derrin and the cooler back into the current to stop hitting me against the rocks.

Without all of the bouncing against me, it actually was a lot less dramatic. It was fairly easy to stand up on the rocks (pointy though they were) and deliberate about my next move. I still had Kloe and her big tube with me. It was a pretty easy choice; either take a long walk back to the car for a different tube (with girl in tow) or climb on board with the girl and share a tube for the next two and a half hours... um, maybe not such an easy choice, but a logical one.

So, we set off together, side by side, for the rest of the float. It was actually pretty great getting to be right there with my girl, eating Twizzlers and Whoppers. FYI, Whoppers happen to FLOAT. We unwittingly set several little round brown whoppers free on our journey, to the interest/disgust to any river floaters coming up behind us, I'm sure.

Kloe complained dutifully about the unfun-ness of sharing a tube with ones mother, but it was pretty apparent she secretly enjoyed telling me how and where to paddle in fast water areas.  She was very focused on pointing out any potential inner tube popping rocks, which she now assumed I had a complete inability to avoid without a LOT of guidance.

Anyone who has ever made a long river float will tell you that you will NEVER see anyone getting out to use the bathroom. It is just a quiet understanding that like the fish and all other river life, you will become one with the river in that sense. It's fine that we all do it, we just don't need to talk about it. Well, Kloe never got that memo, or maybe she was trying to be polite, but she informed me that she was indeed going to 'become one with the river', as I sat there with her, side by side, in a tube. Yippee... it would have been much nicer to have just remained unaware of what was happening, but I had the privilege of full awareness. And you are WELCOME for that little tidbit.

Two and a half hours later we made it to our destination. It turned out to be a pretty fantastic day, and maybe by some miracle we'll get to do another river float soon.

Willing Abstinence of Chocolate and Coffee??? And other life stuffs...

I quit drinking coffee FOUR days ago.  The first two days had predictable headaches, but I am on to better times now.  Living coffee-free is one of the first steps I am taking to feeling better, month-round. 

I am TIRED of being out of commission so much of the time, so it's time to come out fighting... again.  I bought super absorb-able multivitamins (with lots of the B's), and a giant jar of calcium/magnesium.  In September I will start a 'feel good again' diet, which will be challenging, but I think worth it. 

When I went to the vitamin store, I talked to the 'vitamin guy' for a long time about my general symptoms of icky-ness, and he gave me a weird test to try to see if I have an overgrowth of candida.  He said (and it is kinda gross, but fascinating) to spit into cup of cold water first thing in the morning before you take a drink of water or even swallow.  You are supposed to check in on it for about an hour, and if it stays all pretty floating on top, you don't have a candida overgrowth.  But, if it starts sinking, and looking stringy and gross, you do (sorta sounds like how they diagnosed if someone was a witch or not at one point in history...).  The faster it sinks, the more candida you have.  I did his fun little test, and it immediately pointed to yes. I am, indeed, a witch.  Or I have candida.  ONE of those things.  

I'm not completely sure about the validity of the spit test.  I did, however, read the list of symptoms for candida, and the list pretty much describes all of the symptoms that I would like to go away.  I have a doctor apt. in September, but I'm pretty sure she'll just prescribe the usual meds that every american eventually gets prescribed, and send me on my merry way.  I just don't want to mask a bunch of symptoms; I'd like to get rid of the problem.  I've got things to DO, kids to raise and play with, a husband I'd like to be clear-headed enough to talk things through, friends and family to have happy times with.  I don't have TIME for dead-on-the-couch days! 

The candida diet seems to mostly involve eliminating sugar and carbs.  This is going to seriously compromise my consumption of chocolate.  *Sigh*  Just one more re-affirmation that if I love something too much, most likely it is bad for me. 

Anyways, I'm waiting for September to start the 'diet' because August still has a trip to Seattle (yay! Get to see David and Tia), and other fun friend times.  So much of social activity has to do with food!

Bailey and Kloe

Different subject (again): SO, since I was a blogging lam-o last week, I didn't mention that Heidi, Tammy and all the kiddos came and stayed with us last week.  I was going to post pictures of some of our time together, but then I realized I was so busy gabbing with my fellow ladies that I didn't really take any.  My bad. 

It was nice getting to be with them!  Lots of playing at the park, in the water, and loud craziness (that's a given with five kids running around my little house).  Kloe went home with them and stayed for four days with her buddy Bailey.  A good time was had by all.

While she was gone, I took Derrin school shopping.  Yes, it is that time of year again.  Today, he gets to go hang out with his grampa while I take Kloe school shopping.  It is always better to divide them for these sort of out-goings; reduces the chaos greatly.

We went to the Celtic festival the weekend before, but in my blog-funk, the pictures never were posted.  Time to remedy that:

My childrens' 'having fun' faces

My husbands 'having fun' face

A little Riverdancing



Miss Kloe and Miss Sklyer

  



Letting the kids play in the middle
of the road



Heatheree n Me, Downtown

Puppy dog eyes



The Room of Many Tears

Kloe's room was a sight to behold this morning.  It is a sight to behold most mornings. 

I'm sorry Future Kloe, but you know it's true.  Your room makes me weep in frustration.  I'll tell you why we have this issue, my girl.  It's the old 'Mother's Curse'.  My room made my mom want to cry too when I was your age.  Actually, I'm pretty sure it made her want to cry until I moved out. 

I have company coming next week.  Company usually gets tucked away in... you guessed it, Kloe's room.  It needed to get cleaned for real today.  I have crumbled before and completely taken over the hours of cleaning, which has including throwing out a lot of stuff. 

Kloe, today when you came into my room and asked me if I would just come in there and throw everything away for you, I realized I've done you a horrible disservice.  I've made you think that if you just drag your feet and give up, eventually someone will come in and do it for you.  Real life doesn't work that way....  I know, I used to try that trick when I was a kid too (and sometimes even as a grown up) and it very rarely works out.  Even those times it seemed to work out, I was left feeling like I wasn't smart enough or strong enough or 'whatever kind of enough' it takes to get the job done.  The thing is, that isn't true of me and it is definitely not true of you either.  You, my girl, can do anything you decide you want to do.  Even clean that messed up, overwhelmingly tangled room of yours.

We had some "talks" about it today, mostly aimed at motivating you to action.  You cried.  Actually, you cried quite a lot.  The thing is, when you went back into your room to keep slugging away at it, I was out in the garage with Daddy, and I was crying too.  I hate  when I have to discipline you, but I love you too much not to. 

I eventually helped you write a plan of action to deal with the mess, and then I went to work.  Daddy helped you stay motivated to clean the rest of it.  And you know what?  When I came home, your room looked great- better than if I had done it myself. 

Derrick also stopped by Bella Savauge and grabbed me a gift certificate to have some pampering time.  So love that man.  I was so stressed when I left this house this morning, but he'd managed to help make this so much better by the time I got home. 

When we make ourselves do the hard thing, the right kind of help is always so very appreciated.

P.S. Future Kloe... I love you, dirty room or not!!!!