I WOULD like some cheese with that...

It is hard to be a girl. Not to sound whiney, BUT do men have to deal with cramps that make them feel as though they are going to give birth to something at least 2 or 3 days a month? Come to that, they couldn't possibly understand how bad birth hurts could they ( I admit I had 2 C-sections, but I count that too). Do men have to deal with their own wild mood swings that they have absolutely NO control over? Sure they have to deal with OUR mood swings, but they can ESCAPE them, by going to work, or bringing home chocolate to distract us(this hasn't happened to me yet but I still pray it will someday). We have no such escape, although sometimes tylenol helps.
The ultimate injustice to me is that even though it is MY body and MY mood, Derrick is always the one who figures out why I am being so emotional and not quite right before I do. He tries to be very helpful by pointing out the cause of any such emotional breakdown(he does try to be very understanding). When my hormones are all balanced and good, I would appreciate such insight. But this insight during the "bad" time is like waving a red flag at a bull. It is always hard to take when a week later we (once again) find he is right.

The one bright side of being in the middle of agony is that next week I get to be myself again! It will be the me that takes life a little lighter, the me that doesn't cry over everything, the me that has patience and an amount of serenity! YES!

~Dirty Floors and Runny Noses~

I am on a break. A break from cleaning all things that have been cleaned by me one hundred billion thousand times before.

Today I have been tackling a couple of my most hated tasks. They include (1) mopping (on my hands and knees) all of the tile in the house which include both bathrooms and my kitchen AND (2) REALLY cleaning my master bath, which normally gets put off for awhile because it is the one room in the house that only I and Derrick see. The thing is, I can can only take so much filth before I start spraying everything down again and scrubbing. Today was when I realized I could not take a single minute more of it's dirty tub and hairy floor... hmmm, I hope my friends still love me after this because it is starting to sound grosser than what I intended.

Since we are already in gross mode, I was thinking about how motherhood has injected a LOT of grossness in my life. I was cleaning the kids bathroom this morning, leaning way over a toilet, scrubbing who knows what off the walls and general area, and I realized it doesn't even make me feel queezy anymore. I just jump right in and hum away as I wipe away who knows what. Really, it is better than changing diapers and dealing with large amounts of the unmentionable stuff. I was mopping just outside the bathroom door when I noticed some odd grey/brown item on the floor. I actually held it close to my face and studied it to see if it was what I thought it was. It turned out to be play-dough, but how horrible would it have been if it had been the other unsaid item? Yuk! Yet, I mopped away, totally undisturbed.

On gross job descriptions I currently have, is the constant wiping of Kloe's nose. She generally will get a cold and then have a nasty nose for the duration of winter. It is during this time that I get to chase her around with a kleenex. She does NOT care how nasty her face can get so I have to care for the both of us. I do get the feeling that I should at least shudder a little when I have to catch and wipe the little scamps nose before she takes care of it in her own methods (which are never neat, sanitary, or good for either her or anyone who is watching digestive system\). Oh-well, the nasty little experiences that motherhood provide are probably "character builders"(hmm... this DOES reassure me. I'm sure I've come to this conclusion before somewhere). I was probably to big of a wimp in my former, child-free life. After this job, nothing will phase me!

Appointment Day

Today was appointment day with Mom's doctors. We've all been holding our breaths to see what would be said today. What WAS said was actually not that different from what we already knew. Dr. Nichols, Mom's oncologist, scheduled a PET scan for Dec 13th (Renae has been teasing Mom that he could, in fact, find a kitten in there). Based on what was seen during Mom's surgery he is not expecting the cancer to have spread past her liver, but the PET scan will show if this is the case. If in fact the cancer IS just in her liver, then chemo will be the next step to shrink both the tumor and any little rogue cancer cells. After the tumor has shrunk, surgery will be the next option. The tumor is in a very good place to be taken off. It is in the lower left portion of the liver, a part that doesn't have any big arteries. Even though blood loss looks controllable, Dr. Nichols is still going to build Mom's blood count way up to 17 or 18 before surgery so that even if she were to lose blood it wouldn't have to go below what she should already have. He has been VERY cooperative about our feelings on blood transfusions, which has been very reassuring.
Dr. Nichols was very optimistic. I think we all felt a little better about this situation after talking to him. Lon, Renae, Doug and I were all with Mom while he talked to us. It helps having all of to support both Mom and eachother. Between the prayers being said for us, the love in our friends and family, Dr. Nichols, the chemo, surgery, and all of the natural stuff Renae is finding, this can be won.

~To Forgive, Divine~

It is currently 1:25 in the morning and I cannot sleep. *grrr*. Derrick and I had a rather intense discussion that started out with me expressing some negative emotions. I expected a hug and instead got some feedback I did NOT expect or really want. Him and his darned honesty. So now he is sleeping like a baby and I am on the couch, half-way between being ready to be a grown-up and get over it and go to bed but INSTEAD choosing the more satisfying option of staying on the couch because I am sure it is punishing him somehow... except for the fact that I am the only one awake. Hmmm, why is this such a difficult choice? It really stinks that I am awake, because I am supposed to wake up early tomorrow, pack myself and the kids, and drive to T. Falls to see my mom and sister for a couple of days. Now I will be droopy. A plan is forming... drink as much coffee in the morning as possible! Yes, I know that is a weak plan, but it is 1:30 in the morning and it's as good as I can do... Okay ladies, here I go. Onward, the forgiving march to my bed!

Barefoot in the Snow

A tired girl am I. It is Saturday and I really should be over at Dave and Kathrine's, but I can't seem to get myself out the door (although Kloe is reminding me about every 10 seconds that she wants to go, so I'm sure after this blog we will be off).

We stayed up WAY too late last night. It was all in good juvinile fun though. We all made our own pizzas AND we sat in the hot tub and while the snow came down on our heads. Very refreshing is that. We also had snow challenges which I consistantly lost due to the fact that I am a wimp when it comes to discomfort. Laying on the snow-covered ground in a swimming suit is NOT comfortable. In fact it is the opposite of comfortable. I did, however, make an outstanding two-foot tall snow man barefoot in a swimsuit(I was barefoot in the swimsuit, not the snowman) and that is a first for me. We didn't get to bed until about 2 in the morning because we waited to see Dustin and Jasa. I didn't actually meet her until this morning at breakfast. She is nice. I wish I was more with it today to carry on a real conversation! Oh well, she seems like the forgiving type. So that is it for now. My goal of a daily blog once more accomplished. Hurray for me!

Visit to T. Falls

SO, we rolled into Missoula this morning about 8:30... I left Thompson about 6:15, but the roads were HORRIBLE. Road plows are sometimes not the quickest to arrive on the job in Sanders County... The police force, however, is abundant and swarming in the area... maybe someone should talk to mayor (or whoever is in charge of T. Falls and Plains) about redirecting some county resources... hmmm...

Anyways, we left extra early because there was some shopping to be had in Missoula... All of the super 6-hour sales were this morning and I made it in time to score some awesome deals *satisfied sigh*.

Our time in Thompson was short and sweet. Mom is doing very well, although she is still very tired... She is going to spend Sunday night with me and then Renae and I are taking her to the doctor on Monday... We should know more about exactly what direction to take after that.

Tonight my bro-in-law Dustin is coming over from Seaside... His fiancee Jasa is also flying over from Boise to meet us... From everything we have heard about her I am really looking forward to meeting her...

Well, this is sort of a scattered blog, but if you heard all of the kid noise in the background you would understand... My thought process isn't exactly linear with all of the shrieking and yelling and jumping and crying and hitting and apologizing and insane laughing.

The Price One Pays

Lemons with salt. Grapefruits with salt. Sour apples with salt. Tomatoes with... salt. These were a few of my favorite things while I was growing up. As a kid, besides the chocolate and black licorice addictions I struggled with, I also used to save my quarters to buy lemons. I would eat them by the bag full. My mom always told me, "Rachel, that is VERY bad for your teeth. You should at LEAST wash your mouth out with water when you are done." But I chose to laugh in the face of danger. I liked to savor the sour saltiness for as long as I could and rinsing would have ruined the experience. This marks one more time I should have listened to Mom.

Yesterday I went to the dentist and it cost me over five hundred dollars to fix my two front teeth. They probably looked fine enough, but all of the enamel was gone from years if being on the hard (and sour) stuff. I have never really had to go to the dentist (I have NO cavities, a fact I am a little too proud of) and I found the experience sort of weird. My dentist is a nice and handsome man by the name of Tom. BUT, it felt really really weird to have hands and fingers of a stranger in my mouth. I mean, I know his name and profession, but that is it. Maybe it would've helped if he would've been uglier.

A very vulnerable experience could include being leaned so back in a chair that blood rushes to ones head, making ones face turn purple and ones eyes start to see interesting red and purple spots. A very humbling experience is having the inability to smile at the camera while they take a picture of your teeth because your lips are twitching from nervousness. An experience no woman would prefer is having wods of cotton stuffed into her upper lip by the handsome dentist so she looks like a demented bunny. A sad experience is feeling so stressed out you might break from any sudden movemments and then looking into the eyes of the assistant and seeing the boredom of just another day. I survived by counting the squares on the ceiling, looking into the reflection of the light over my head, and once in awhile looking at Dr. Tom to see how funny HE looked with the super magnifying lenses he sported to craft my teeth.

The good doctor applied the composit filling to the front of my teeth and ground and shined and polished. Now they are good as new. He did a really good job. As I paid, the lady at the front desk smiled, said they looked great and that I should just think of them as a present to myself because I am a mother and I deserve it. I smiled and told her it was the price I get to pay for not listening to my mom.

Goals

1. Become vegetarian. For now, use only chicken and fish. By January, only fish.

2. Stop splenda addiction. Wean off slowly, only using it in tea for now. By January, be splenda free.

3. Start an exercise program. For real this time. Join Gold's Gym. Or start joggin.... for sure by January.

4. Create more structured activities for my children. Have more art projects for them. Go bowling with them every couple of weeks (starting tomorrow?)

5. Be more vigilant with my personal bible study.

6. Watch less television (limit to the office, scrubs and csi...)

7. Learn how to stay composed in trying situations. Practice deep breathing and inner calm.

8. Let my children try more of whatever crazy schemes and projects they have dreamed up. Let creative importance win over yucky messes that will have to be cleaned up later.

Hmmm... I know there are more. I will add to this list as needed! Any suggestions?

back home

I just got home from T. Falls a little bit ago. It took awhile to get Mom up and running today, but we finally rolled out of the zoo about 6 o'clock tonight. The plans of us all alternating staying with Mom have changed. Now she is going to stay with Renae until she feels better and we all can just visit. It is probably a better plan because Mom won't feel the pressure to get up and clean, cook and do laundry like she would if she were in her own home.

SO, this weekend I am officially back home. It feels pretty good to sit in my chair and type away on my computer (which is fixed), and soon sleep in my own bed. Life is still a little turned on it's ear, but for now, life is feeling pretty good again.

Hey numba 2

Hopefully Mom is going to get to come home from the hospital tomorrow but the only way it will be a possibility is if she shows that her colon is working 100%. Sooo... we ordered her some coffee for breakfast and we hope that might get things moving a little bit

Renae finally went home last night. I stayed at the hospital and will stay tonight too. It probably felt pretty good for her to go home! She hadn't been home since they left for their cruise which was almost three weeks ago. It was nice for me to go home and get some real sleep while she was here though. I was starting to lose perspective during those first four days where we didn't really know what was going to happen. I didn't go home (except for an hour at night to get clean clothes) and I was starting to be a little crazy, except for I didn't know I was crazy because I was...well, crazy I ended up yelling at a nurse and fighting with my neice Stephanie because I couldn't handle how they were dealing with my mom. Derrick says I need to learn to let go and let other people help, even if it is not the way I would choose to do it. He is very right. I'm not normally a control freak, but in when crisis mode starts I seem to have a history of trying to get in there front and center and sometimes blocking others who would like to help. I will work on this. That is the thing about these situations. They bring your inner workings out into the daylight where everyone can see them, including yourself. Some of them are great and suprising, like how strong you can be. Some of them need to be fixed, like the inability to accept help. There is one quote from Elenor Rossevelt (?) that I really like where she says women are like teabags: you don't know how strong they are until they are in hot water. I think this applies to all of us right now.

Meanwhile, mom is doing great. She is upstairs drinking her coffee, eating her french toast and getting ready to have her first shower. She is starting to worry about things like what to wear when she leaves (I will be finding some comfy pants today) so I think she is ready to go home. So hopefully, that will be soon. When she does go home we (Renae, Danny, Cookie, Steph and I) are all planning on alternating staying with her to help out with cleaning, cooking and keeping her spirits up. This will work out pretty well because it will mean one or two days with Mom and then we will beable to be at home making sure our own lives stay running. I think my kids are starting to forget what I look like. Kloe cried yesterday because she DID have to stay with me for a little while instead of going with Gramma Kathrine. It hurt my feelers a little, but I know both her and Derrin feel a little abandoned and acting like that is the only way a little one knows how to deal with it. Kathrine has been great though. She has had my babies every day since this all began, and has been so very supportive. She also has brought them in everyday to the hospital to see Mom and me. But it WILL be good for me to be at home again so we can get back into our routine.

So, that is it for now. I will try to keep yall updated as things happen!!

little update

Mom is doing better today. She has been getting up and walking the halls, her IV has been removed and she is able to eat whatever she wants to now. So as far as the surgery on her colon is going, she is recovering very well.

My aunt Sandra, strangely enough, is in a room just down the hall from my mom. She had to have a big surgery yesterday. It is proving to be a good deal for Mom because it makes her want to get out of bed to go see her sis. Also, we are seeing cousins and other family that we haven't seen in years.

I wanted to thank everyone for the encouraging comments. I have somehow broke my computer so while it is being fixed I am using the internet in the hospitals library. As soon as I get my other computer back I will start getting back to all you fine follks!

silver lining

We talked to Dr. Nichols last night. He in the cancer doctor in Missoula. Some good news is that the tumor in her liver is in a small lower lobe so surgery is an option later on when the chemo starts to shrink all of the cancer cells.
The support our family has received is unbelievable. There hasn't been a moment that has gone by where we haven't received an encouraging word, a hug, or an offer of help. It humbles me. It makes me think of all of the times I have remained silent because I either didn't know what to say or I was afraid to say the wrong thing. Now I realize it doesn't matter what is said, it is just the connection with someone who feels your pain for a moment that makes a person feel better.

Bad News

I know that life can change in an instant. I know this because it has happened to me, several times. The knowledge of this does not mean preparation for it. The bad phone call I expect at 2 o'clock in the morning instead takes the form of a nurse with bad news at noon on Thursday. This will go down as one of the saddest and scariest days in my life.
We took my mom in for a colonoscopy Thursday morning because she was having pain and we were trying to find the cause. A nurse suggested a colonoscopy because of the area of her pain and because she has never had one before. To our horror, they found a blockage that had to be removed immediately. The set her up for surgery on Friday and put her in a hospital room. The doctor had his suspicions for cancer. My mom did not think this could be the case. Really, I could not believe this would be what they found either.

They took out a tumor the size of a tennis ball Friday. They found a spot on her liver the size of a golf ball. They found a suspect lymphnode. They sent it all off to pathology but won't have the results until Monday. But the surgeon says it looks like he would expect cancer to look like.

I am numb. I cried all my tears out and there is nothing left. I have to be strong for my mom. All is not lost. We will fight this with all of the strength we have. Because of the person she is, because of the love she has grown in her friends and family, she has a huge support system. We will all fight this side by side with every strength of our beings.

She is healing from her surgery right now. I am in the hospital room with her, have been staying here with her since Thursday. Derrick brought the computer in so I could do some research but honestly I can't read about it yet. I was trying to look up what she has, mortality rates, treatment and I realized I kept blanking out. It is like my brain can't absorb any of it yet. I need a little more time to process. I need to stay focused on the moment. Hold her hand, brush her hair back from her face, be with her through the pain. She is asleep right now, thank goodness. She needs to rest. Fortunately, she has had many visitors today. I can tell it makes her feel better with everyone here. But she also needs some sleep.

She is supposed to stay here a week. We called Renae is Jamaica (actually Steph talked to Doug) but they still don't know the whole situation. Even if they would have tried to get flights straight home I doubt it would have got them here much sooner. I know this is going to be really hard for Renae. I will be so glad to see her though. She has always been a tower of strength for me and I need her here so very bad. They should be here tomorrow sometime.

For now, everything is okay. Her pain is under control. If anything else comes up, I will try to keep you all posted (if I can).

Steps

I can't count the number of times where I am just rocking along in a relationship when all of a sudden somebody will totally suprise me by their response to a situation. It always leaves me feeling disorientated, like I am just hanging in mid-air because the floor has just dropped out from beneath me. What is even worse is sometimes I read the situation as bad when nothing is even wrong. But it doesn't matter because I've convinced myself I have crossed a line and I create the floor dropping out feeling all by myself.

While I was growing up this was a real problem for me. It changed who I was for awhile. I remember a situation clearly where I sent a note to a new kid who was having a hard time adjusting saying I liked him and I was angry at the kids who were being mean to him. I wish I could see exactly how I phrased that note, because he was so angry at me after that. I was shocked because I had seen it as an act of kindness. There was a lot of drama like that. By the time I was in high school I was very introverted (except for when I discovered how alcohol could get rid of icky feelings in social situations, but that created a whole other problem which is an entirely different blog subject). I just didn't trust myself to not say the wrong thing. It becomes a very lonely existance when you never trust anyone enough to share your feelings. It also is hard to like yourself when you are sure you will sabotage any relationship if you let anyone have a glimpse inside your heart. The problem is, by trying not to sabotage your relationships, you end up sabotaging yourself.

I have struggled with this for years. I had a breakthrough last December however. I sometimes go to Sandpoint get accupuncture. The lady who does it has so much insight. She also is very good at releasing pain in others. She started asking questions and they were all the right ones. Through her I finally understand that I've been judging myself all of this time. She said we all develop an inner judge as a child to keep ourselves in line but most people learn to trust themselves enough as adults to let the judge go. My judge is as strong (or was) now as ever. I can't learn to trust myself until I start reaching out and opening up. She also said most other people are basically good. She said if by some chance you do hurt someone, most times it doesn't have as much to do with you as it does with the eyes of their experience they are seeing you through. I trust what she said.

This whole summer I made big efforts to just talk to people I would normally avoid. I feel like a lot of the time it is not what you say to someone as much as it is the effort of saying SOMETHING. It is like we put our little feelers out to eachother, make contact and the contact alone says, "I like you." When someone knows you like them, then there is a foundation for a new relationship.

I still mess up. A lot. I say things thinking they are fine and sometimes it blows up in my face. I will feel awful and apologize and try to make it better but ultimately I have to move on and forgive myself and make the judge inside be quiet. I am not perfect unfortunately. But I do know I have good intentions. I can not make myself suffer for mistakes any more than I would make my children suffer for theirs. It is impossible to keep growing when you let the inner voices shut you down. Even though it takes some inner strenth and some holding my breath with anxiousness, it is worth taking a chance on myself and the people who are my friends, either the ones I have already or the ones I will make in the future.

Sophie the motor lover

Last night was Halloween (as you may have been aware). As we do not celebrate halloween, our usual ploy is to avoid being home so as to not have to open the door over and over to the little trickortreaters (and we live in little kid suburbia here).

My sister Renae and her hubby Doug were in Missoula last night. The reason was that they were flying out to Florida early this morning to go on their super cruise to Jamaica (their 25th wedding anniversary present to theirselves) and a bunch of other islands. The reason I bring this up is because we chose to avoid our home by going out to dinner with them. Renae was soooo excited to go. I am soooo jealous. I wish I could have jumped into their luggage and went too, although this would certainly have ruined their romance. They have been gearing up to go all week. Renae must've called me half a dozen times looking for items that may have found their way to my house (shoes, formal gowns...). She started packing a week early. I admire that in her. She is one of the best trip preparer I've ever met. I am pretty much her opposite. More of a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal. ANYWAYS, on one of the phone calls she only got out ,"Hey Rache", and then she was giggling and laughing and her voice was getting further from the phone (all I could hear at that point was "hang up!!!"). My point is they will have fun.

I don't know where I was really going with this except for Renae was talking about all of the weird cats I've had in my life. I do seem to have a way of picking them out. The first one I ever picked was a beauty who I named Sophie. I thought she was the most beautiful cat I had ever seen. She was pure white and had the clearest blue eyes. She had a very cute personality for many years, very playful. Until the accident.

One Sunday morning we were driving to meeting (church)in Plains coming from Paradise. Shaun and I were in the backseat (I think we were around 11 or 12). We were about half-way there when I just happened to look out the back window and see a ball of white fluff rolling down the road. I shouted at my dad to stop, we went back and sure enough it was Sophie. My poor stupid cat. In her defense, it was the middle of winter and the car motor was warm. But she really was hurt. We took her to the vet and he sewed her back up again. A couple of things changed about her though. For one, her eyes never had a very focused look to them ever again. For another, her tail died. Got STIFF as a board. She'd run around the house and that thing would wave from side to side like a board. It was pretty gross but it remained that way for some time. I think it was about a year until the next "accident". I think Sophie probably had too much brain damage from the first time to remember what had put her into her unfortunately circumstances because another winter day my Sophie went through another motor. She lived. However, the stiff tail was not so fortunate and a complete amputation happened that day. She went from unfocused to completely cross-eyed. She was, however, still a very good-natured and happy animal.

Anyways, I hereby raise my cup to Renae and Doug and hope them a happy voyage.

Daryn

Today is November 3, 2006. This marks the 22nd anniversary of the day that my older brother Daryn died in a horrible car accident. I can't believe so many years have gone by. He's been gone now almost as long as he was here. I was 8 years old the day that it happened. It was his 23rd birthday. He had gone out to "celebrate" his birthday at the Paradise bar with his friends and cousins. It was beer for a dime day. Everybody drank too much. I finally understand as an adult that when everybody drinks no one has good judgement. For years I blamed my older cousins who let him get into that truck and drive to Plains. I was after all, only eight. Things are pretty black and white to little kids. Now I understand that they all (including Daryn) had a huge lapse in judgement that day. He just got caught by it that time.

My brother was good to me. He loved kids and he always made a real effort to make me feel special. He was a good man with a good heart. For years I pretended to myself that he wasn't really dead, that he had just gone on a very long vacation. Or that he had been kidnapped and someday he would escape and return to us. I was afraid that he was going to disappear from my memory, that I wouldn't remember his voice or what it felt like to be with him. I shouldn't have worried though. He still shows up in my dreams, even after all this time.

I know someday I will see him again, because the bible tells us that there will be a resurrection of anyone who has fallen asleep in death. I really look forward to meeting him and knowing him as an adult. I will be HIS older sister. Until then, I will always remember and miss him.

my children's prisoners

Yesterday we had the opportunity to take home derrin's class pets. They are fearful little critters by the name of Chester and Clyde. So far, all is mostly well. Kloe does have a special way with them though. Forced watchings of "Dora the Explorer" and "SpongeBob" while sitting baby-style on her lap probably will do no lasting harm.
Kloe has a way with animals. She loves them until they are insane with rage at her. Poor Chester who has been in a room full of kindergardeners for years and never had a mental break finally had enough yesterday and bit her finger (it really just hurt her feelings). Our kitty Gary feels Chester's pain. This is his method of dealing with her when she will not release him: 1) Meow lightly at child. Hope this gains her attention. 2)Squirm lightly. Hope this gains her attention. 3) Squirm wildly. Hope this makes the point. 4) Jump up, grab child's hair, pull child down to the floor and hold there until child's attention is gained and then stalk away happily.

His method works every time.