I can't count the number of times where I am just rocking along in a relationship when all of a sudden somebody will totally suprise me by their response to a situation. It always leaves me feeling disorientated, like I am just hanging in mid-air because the floor has just dropped out from beneath me. What is even worse is sometimes I read the situation as bad when nothing is even wrong. But it doesn't matter because I've convinced myself I have crossed a line and I create the floor dropping out feeling all by myself.
While I was growing up this was a real problem for me. It changed who I was for awhile. I remember a situation clearly where I sent a note to a new kid who was having a hard time adjusting saying I liked him and I was angry at the kids who were being mean to him. I wish I could see exactly how I phrased that note, because he was so angry at me after that. I was shocked because I had seen it as an act of kindness. There was a lot of drama like that. By the time I was in high school I was very introverted (except for when I discovered how alcohol could get rid of icky feelings in social situations, but that created a whole other problem which is an entirely different blog subject). I just didn't trust myself to not say the wrong thing. It becomes a very lonely existance when you never trust anyone enough to share your feelings. It also is hard to like yourself when you are sure you will sabotage any relationship if you let anyone have a glimpse inside your heart. The problem is, by trying not to sabotage your relationships, you end up sabotaging yourself.
I have struggled with this for years. I had a breakthrough last December however. I sometimes go to Sandpoint get accupuncture. The lady who does it has so much insight. She also is very good at releasing pain in others. She started asking questions and they were all the right ones. Through her I finally understand that I've been judging myself all of this time. She said we all develop an inner judge as a child to keep ourselves in line but most people learn to trust themselves enough as adults to let the judge go. My judge is as strong (or was) now as ever. I can't learn to trust myself until I start reaching out and opening up. She also said most other people are basically good. She said if by some chance you do hurt someone, most times it doesn't have as much to do with you as it does with the eyes of their experience they are seeing you through. I trust what she said.
This whole summer I made big efforts to just talk to people I would normally avoid. I feel like a lot of the time it is not what you say to someone as much as it is the effort of saying SOMETHING. It is like we put our little feelers out to eachother, make contact and the contact alone says, "I like you." When someone knows you like them, then there is a foundation for a new relationship.
I still mess up. A lot. I say things thinking they are fine and sometimes it blows up in my face. I will feel awful and apologize and try to make it better but ultimately I have to move on and forgive myself and make the judge inside be quiet. I am not perfect unfortunately. But I do know I have good intentions. I can not make myself suffer for mistakes any more than I would make my children suffer for theirs. It is impossible to keep growing when you let the inner voices shut you down. Even though it takes some inner strenth and some holding my breath with anxiousness, it is worth taking a chance on myself and the people who are my friends, either the ones I have already or the ones I will make in the future.
While I was growing up this was a real problem for me. It changed who I was for awhile. I remember a situation clearly where I sent a note to a new kid who was having a hard time adjusting saying I liked him and I was angry at the kids who were being mean to him. I wish I could see exactly how I phrased that note, because he was so angry at me after that. I was shocked because I had seen it as an act of kindness. There was a lot of drama like that. By the time I was in high school I was very introverted (except for when I discovered how alcohol could get rid of icky feelings in social situations, but that created a whole other problem which is an entirely different blog subject). I just didn't trust myself to not say the wrong thing. It becomes a very lonely existance when you never trust anyone enough to share your feelings. It also is hard to like yourself when you are sure you will sabotage any relationship if you let anyone have a glimpse inside your heart. The problem is, by trying not to sabotage your relationships, you end up sabotaging yourself.
I have struggled with this for years. I had a breakthrough last December however. I sometimes go to Sandpoint get accupuncture. The lady who does it has so much insight. She also is very good at releasing pain in others. She started asking questions and they were all the right ones. Through her I finally understand that I've been judging myself all of this time. She said we all develop an inner judge as a child to keep ourselves in line but most people learn to trust themselves enough as adults to let the judge go. My judge is as strong (or was) now as ever. I can't learn to trust myself until I start reaching out and opening up. She also said most other people are basically good. She said if by some chance you do hurt someone, most times it doesn't have as much to do with you as it does with the eyes of their experience they are seeing you through. I trust what she said.
This whole summer I made big efforts to just talk to people I would normally avoid. I feel like a lot of the time it is not what you say to someone as much as it is the effort of saying SOMETHING. It is like we put our little feelers out to eachother, make contact and the contact alone says, "I like you." When someone knows you like them, then there is a foundation for a new relationship.
I still mess up. A lot. I say things thinking they are fine and sometimes it blows up in my face. I will feel awful and apologize and try to make it better but ultimately I have to move on and forgive myself and make the judge inside be quiet. I am not perfect unfortunately. But I do know I have good intentions. I can not make myself suffer for mistakes any more than I would make my children suffer for theirs. It is impossible to keep growing when you let the inner voices shut you down. Even though it takes some inner strenth and some holding my breath with anxiousness, it is worth taking a chance on myself and the people who are my friends, either the ones I have already or the ones I will make in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment