Bumper Stickers

Especially in Missoula, you will find that a lot of people make statements with the bumper stickers they choose to put on the back of their cars. Usually if you follow closely enough, you will know whether the person is Republican (and bitter, with anti-Obama stickers), or liberal. You will know whether they are a cat or dog lover. NRA supporters. Pro-lifers. Man Haters. Hawaii lovers. Honor roll kid parents. Jesus lovers who like to prove it with a bumper sticker. Little stickers of stick figures representing each member of the family. Calvin peeing on random things. People who know that well behaved women rarely make history. LOTS of cars with little pink and yellow ribbon stickers, supporting their causes.

Every day, I manage to peel out from my house exactly 15 minutes before my shift starts at work. Why not 20 or 25 minutes? Because I am a very busy lady, that's why! Trust me, I have good reasons! SO, I have 15 minutes to make it to work which is PERFECT as long as I hit all green lights (there are five lights between my house and work- even if I hit three greens, I am still doing good), and I can go the speed limit.

Some days I get behind people who actually seem to want to make it through the green lights. Some people even seem to care enough to speed up so that one or two cars behind them can make it too. But then there are the OTHER drivers, the ones who drive as if it would be impolite to try to push their way through the green lights. It's like they think they are being greedy to want to make it through their journey without pausing. Some people actually slow down BEFORE the light turns yellow, as if they feel bad for rushing the lights. They drive with a great big "Please pardon me, and everyone I have trapped behind me. Of course, please DO go first. We don't mind stopping at ALL. It's not like ANY of us have anywhere we are in a HUGE hurry to get to!"

While fuming about the drivers in front of me, I read their bumper stickers, because I'd say roughly 80 percent of these slow drivers are also into preaching the way they see the world to everyone behind them. It's like a big game of follow the leader, and when it's THEIR turn to be the leader, you'll have the pleasure of driving a polite ten miles under the speed limit (as EVERYONE should be doing! Safety first guys!), and any driver behind them who dares to drive too close in a threatening manner (that would be me) will get to be indoctrinated into the proper view of the world (theirs).

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell the bumper-sticker-lovin'-slow-drivers a thing or two. Let's see... thanks for helping accentuate my propensity for being late. Just know that you only made me stronger. Every time I have resisted the urge to ram into you from behind, I have flexed a muscle of self-restraint. You should be glad that I am such a well behaved woman, because I have wanted to make history by shoving you off of the road into the green light pole that you are gently encouraging to turn red before we make it through. And I hate your dog/cat/honor roll student. I also think Calvin peeing on things is degrading to such an awesome comic strip, and you should be smacked for having bought that particular sticker. Hawaii lovers, I also love Hawaii, and I think you should MOVE there- ALL the islands drive as slow as you do: they are YOUR PEOPLE! Please move there, where people won't want to ram you from behind with their Wranglers/Mustangs. And to all other causes you slow drivers are promoting from the back of your cars... you have a new nemesis to your cause. Just hope you are Batman in slow motion.