...Of a Tree Called Life...

This weekend was spent at home, staying quiet and spending time together.  Derrick tried to engage me in a game of chess, which I am a total novice at (but still almost beat him- haha!).  The rest of the time I was working on my painting/project.  I've been wanting to get this poem on my wall ever since my mom's funeral.  It will always remind me of her (not because it was a favorite of her's, but because of the sentiment expressed in it).  I like how it turned out:)


...of a tree called life



i carry your heart with me- by ee cummings



the watch and ear ring were both my momma's







My Momma, around age 17, playin' her guitar

Sickie

Kloe and I are at home again today, missing school and work respectively.  I almost sent her this morning, but she just looked too pitiful.  She was way more believably sick before she started talking and explaining her symptoms. "Mommy, I feel ok when I lay down but when my feet touch the floor *insert delicate and fragile cough here*, my tummy gets sick and my throat hurts." Um, okay.  We won't tell the school you just said that, little girl.  It messes with our credibility.

 So, now we are sitting on the couch watching "Cats and Dogs", while eating pickles and clam chowder.  If we weren't sick before, I'm sure we can get ourselves there with our food choices.

Since I'm at home today, I've been doing a little housework (very little), a little laundry (even little-er), and working on my painting stuff (just a tad) and reading.  I was a little more ambitious yesterday when I got home from work (Derrick stayed home with the girl yesterday).  The sun was shining out there so I went for a run.  I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I regularly get passed by other runners and bikers.  It always scares me- I can't hear them coming from behind (music in ma ears) so the first inkling that anyone is even there is when I catch them in my peripheral vision.  Then I'm always a bit embarrassed about being passed.  Really, if I knew that someone was coming up from behind I would at least try to give them a run for their money.  I am a *very* slow loper. The only time I feel like I should maybe try to do some speed work is the moment when I get passed by a non-slow runner.  The worst time was last summer when I was passed by a woman pushing a stroller.  But honestly, if that embarrassing experience didn't make me try to run faster, I don't know that anything will (maybe a ruthless trainer?).  I'm just happy that I'm out there at all- it doesn't matter to me if I am the slowest runner I know.

The weekend is almost here, and I'm glad for it.  Hopefully we will all get rested up and come Monday morning everyone will feel good again.

You Live You Learn

Kloe got up this morning saying that her tummy hurt.  I made her get dressed for school anyway.  Her head hurt.  I took her temperature (98.5) and then made her eat breakfast.  Then she was just sooo tired.  I made her get her shoes and coat on, told her I loved her and then sent her on her way.  I called the school to let them know she was out of sorts and to give me a call if her day didn't improve.  About ten I got a call that she had fallen asleep in class and now had a temperature of 102.  MEAN MOMMY ALERT!!!  But, in my defense, how can I know when she just doesn't want to go to school (which does happen occasionally), or if she is really sick, especially if there is no fever? 

I have a memory of my mom making me get ready for school after I'd told her I was sick.  I was seven (just like Kloe), and we had eaten fish sandwiches at a local restaurant the night before (pretty sure it was the sandwich the night before).  My tummy hurt too, but I didn't have a fever.  I cried through breakfast (like my girl did this morning) trying to convince her I felt icky.  Finally, I ran to the bathroom and was super sick.  I remember laying on the bathroom rug afterward, still sick, but also triumphant.  I'm pretty sure I brought that incident up to her every time I claimed to be sick all the way through high school.  :)  It worked too- I missed a lot of school when I was a kid.  Which brings me back to why I make my kids go unless they have a fever.  I don't want them to get into a pattern of being skippers.  It is a hard pattern to break.

Off the subject, but I was going through some greeting cards that had been my mom's the other day, and I found one I had written to her that she'd tucked in there.  It was a thank-you card I'd written to her and Dad about twelve years ago- I don't even remember writing it, but it said a lot of the things I'd hoped she knew I felt.  It made me happy to read it.

Back to today, I went and picked up my little sickie, and we spent the rest of the day on the couch snuggling and watching movies together.  Derrick came home to watch her while I went to the eye doctor again (it is healing nicely), and when I got back I started a couple new paintings.  Gonna try very hard to not add these paintings to my collection of other unfinished art stuff.  I shall persevere and prevail!!  Derrick says that right now they look like the front cover of a David Bowie album.  That's just super.

Right now we are on the couch- Derrick's watching television, and I'm writing this, while waiting for some banana bread I have in the oven to be done.  And that's about it for this day.

Mom's treasure box





My Eyeball

Not really in a writing mood today, but one of my goals is to get something down whether I feel like it or not... so here I go.

My eye hurts.  Funny thing about an eyeball, even though they are little, they have such a major effect on the rest of the body.  Because my eye hurts, my head and stomach also hurt.  I know, whaa for me.  But it is a legitimate hurting.  I went to the eye doctor last night and it turns out that somewhere along the way I managed to get a cut right over my cornea.  It doesn't look any different on the outside. As close as I peered into my own green eye, it looks no different to me. It does hurt like bejeezuz though.  I am on antibiotics, and off of contacts. 

Trying to think of something else to write about... but my eye is commanding my thoughts today.  As I have nothing else to say about it, I shall end this blog here.

Equanimity

Equanimity is the unattached awareness of one's experience as a result of perceiving the impermanence of momentary reality. It is a peace of mind and abiding calmness that cannot be shaken by any grade of either fortunate or unfortunate circumstance. 

Some Thoughts on Organized Sports and Brain Candy

This was another calm weekend.  There was a time when that would have been a frustrating thing for me, but these days every quiet weekend spent in my little home feels almost decadent, like we are cheating or something.

There was no sleeping in (service Sat and meeting Sun), so that was a bummer.  Did a little shopping (Old Navy is having AWESOME deals fyi.  Shirts for $1-$3.  Loaded up on stuff for the kids), and then Derrick and I went out to dinner with some friends (Greg and Cookie Hanson) at Cafe Dolce, and went to a hockey game.  It was the first hockey game any of us had ever attended.  The best thing about going to a hockey game (for me) is that they have cotton candy there (I ask you, what can not be improved with cotton candy??).  Also, it was cool to get to hang out with Cookie and hear about some of her art and craft projects.  As far as the actual hockey goes, the best part was seeing the puck get slammed over the glass wall thingy and almost hit some guy in the head.  There should have been more of that- dodging pucks would be a lot more fun than just watching them get smacked around by hockey players.  This is my suggestion for Hockey Leagues everywhere (does hockey have leagues like bowling?)--->extreme audience participation.  I don't really understand the concept of gathering enjoyment from watching other people play sports.  I wouldn't enjoy sitting there and watching someone else eat chocolate cake, and that's same feeling I get when watching sports- a  jealous/bored combo.  The only sporting event I really like to go to is the Super Bowl, and I have never actually watched the game, it's just fun listening to everyone go berserk, and the party food is usually outstanding.  With that being said, I would always choose to go to a game if good company is involved.

I have that horrible Black Eye Peas  song in my head today- I think it's called The Time.  I swear the B.E.P's don't even try to write real lyrics, they just make them up as they go.  They do, however, have really fun music.   I consistently offer token resistance up when a new Black Eye Peas song comes out, because without fail their songs are the stupidest songs you will find (if you don't count Kesha, whose music has absolutely NO redeeming qualities).  But it never lasts... I'll forget to turn the radio station just once, and then I'm sucked in again.  Black Eye Peas, you will always win me over.  Your fun beats always trump your stupid lyrics.

Some people I know right now are on awesome exotic vacations.  To those people, I am thinking of you today.  Please send some sunshine my way! :)

Just in case you'd like a really stupid song with a fun beat in your head today (and if you had no idea what in the world I was talking about), I offer here The Time (Black Eyed Peas)

First Hockey Game Ever

Maulers vs. Some Other Team

D n Me

Awesome mobile pics, courtesy of  BlackBerry

Do-ith Unto Others

"The sun shall com-eth, then the sun shall go-eth away and who know-eth for when it shall return."-Prologue to Winter in Montana, 325 days of Gray, and Gray... And Gray

It is soooo gray outside.  I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, watching Friends, and contemplating actually venturing out into that gray goo for a run.  It looks like Black and White land.  Black and white looks good on most people in pictures.  It doesn't deliver positive results in running.  Maybe if I were more colorful today it wouldn't matter what it looked like out there, but I'm gray too.

I think I slept on my face last night.  I woke up to my bangs sticking straight up in the air, like a fashion statement of the 80's.  Also woke up to a Kid Battle that was reaching epic proportions.  Derrin was demanding that cereal be poured for him in reciprocation of his many cereal pourings for Kloe.  Kloe was refusing on the principle that she does not have to do what he says, especially when he says it in that tone of voice.  By the time I walked out with my barely opened eyes, slept on face and hair, they were both in fine moods.  What a time to make an entrance as mediator.  Kloe was so MAD.  She is usually my little ray of sunshine in the morning.  This morning she got herself all together, sat down on the bench by the door, crossed her arms  and seethed.  I do not believe I have ever seen that amount of anger and promised retribution on her face before.  I hadn't even had coffee yet.  My eyes were barely unstuck from sleep.  Still managed to whip up a sermon on family, love, being the bigger person, and then forgiveness... followed by a lot of "Do you hear me?  Do you hear me???"  to their grumbled "Yes Mom".  Then I made them hug each other.  Twice. 

I have other things I could write about today.... but I don't wanna.  This is a "look to the light" day, even if its spectrum will only allow for black and white.  There will be time to contemplate shadows later.

Dr. Suess- My Many Colored Days

I am required by law to post this somewhere on the internet at least once a year.~Rachel

Some days are yellow.  Some are blue.  On different days I'm different too.  You'd be suprised how many ways I change on different colored days.  On bright red days how good it feels to be a horse and kick my heels!  On other days I'm other things.  On bright blue days I flap my wings.  Some days, of course, feel sort of brown.  Then I feel slow and low, low down.  Then comes a yellow day.  And, wheeeeee I am a buzy buzzy bee.  Grey day...  Everything is grey.  I watch.  But nothing moves today.  Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal!  On my orange days that's how I feel.  Green days.  Deep deep in the sea.  Cool and quiet fish.  That's me.  On purple days I'm sad.  I groan.  I drag my tail.  I walk alone.  But when my days are happy pink it's great to jump and just not think.  Then come my black days.  MAD.  And LOUD.  I howl.  I growl at every cloud. Then comes a mixed-up day.  And WhAM!  I don't know who or what I am!  But it all turns out all right, you see.  And I go back to being... me.

Winter-time Running

Today was soooo beautiful out there.  The sunlight reflecting off of the snow was unbelievable.   I can love winter if the sun will just shine!!!  Had to take some pics with the blackberry (oh dear blackberry, why can't you capture beauty more beautifully?).

I'm Just A Girl

Today, I think I will hit up one of my favorite pet topics:  The trials and tribulations of being one of the female sort.  I literally (and yes, I MEAN literally... well, somewhere between really meaning it, and using it for emphasis)  feel like I am two people.  Every single month I have about ten days of being this person who is naturally pretty positive and energetic, who can get the job done, whose mind is uncluttered and able to process everything needed to navigate through the day.  Then the "other" one takes over (and who decided she gets the larger piece of the time pie?  Twenty days in her hands is almost enough to RUIN me, because I (the energetic one (yes, this is the THIRD set of parenthesis inside of a parenthesis!!!) who writes this) could do so much more if I had the twenty!).

Holy batman... that last little chunk of words made me dizzy... let's take a moment to process.......

The "other" me gets to feel everything that is emotional.  She has me (as I am in 10 day land right now), in the back of her mind saying,"Come on now, you can do it!  Positive thinking!!  Get out there, go running- that'll make you feel better!  Don't you DARE eat that whole bag of chocolate!!! Get up!  Do something!  ANYTHING!!!"  To which she mainly replies,"Meh."  And does whatever it is that is passing through her progesterone deprived brain, until I can kick up enough guilt to motivate.  It is exhausting to struggle through that kind of apathy.  But I have to do it, or she will win and I'm afraid I would disappear all together into her sea of fatigue.

It is frustrating.  I know that it is all me, and it has taken years to accept that even though I don't like it, this ebb and flow is who I am.  It's easy for me to feel non-accepting of either side.  Through the ten days I feel guilty because I'm just less emotional, and it makes me feel cold-hearted.  Through the twenty days I constantly question how real my feelings are, or if they are just a product of the hormone fairy going a little nuts.  Who is the real me?  How in the world can you be authentic if you don't know who you are going to be from day to day and you have no absolute control over who you are?

But then, another way to look at it as if it is a gift.  It's not easy to be an emotional (read: moody) person, but some parts of the twenty days are good.  It's good to feel things, because it allows you to have empathy for others.  The saying "Your highs are only as good as your lows" rings true for me.  Sometimes it feels like the ten steady days are just a break from the twenty so I can recover before diving back into who I am primarily. 

SO, in conclusion, I better quit blogging and go get some stuff done.  I only have another week before I won't feel like doing any of it again:)

When the snow melts....

I ran outside last night.  It was the first time since the beginning of November that there hasn't been snow pack and ice all over my running road.  I have to say, it was de-light-ful.  I was thinking, yes, this is why I love to run!  The air was stimulating, the setting light was so beautiful, and feeling and seeing the progress of the run was exhilarating.  Towards the end of the run on my way back, it was totally dark.  I always look at night runners and think they must have a death wish.  Getting run over, or eaten by cougars, or being picked up by a friendly neighborhood rapist or murderer are just some of the ways things could go down while running on a secluded road at night.  Probably not my smartest move, but TOTALLY worth it.  I'll be picking up some bear spray soon though, and maybe some reflective gear just in case that time slot is ever the only one open to run again.  I'd take scary threats of running in the dark to running on the treadmill any day.

When I got back, Derrick had dinner all ready.  Love that man.  Kloe came over and gave me a kiss and then told me I smelled like Anikan (our cat), and maybe I should put some baby powder on myself like I do to him sometimes.  Haha:)  Guess I smelled like the great outdoors.  What a nice way to say "Momma, you need a shower." (By the way, I put baby powder on Anikan not because he smells bad, but because he likes to lay in my bathroom sink and glare haughtily at me as if I am invading his space.  Baby powder irritates his superior sensibilities, and it is the only petty revenge I get for how he wakes me up at 3 in the morning every single relentless night.)

The three day weekend is over.  Back to work for a bit today.  Yesterday was good though- I got everything done I wanted to (mostly).  I feel good today- all of the quiet time was so needed.  I'm grateful it came when it did. 

Tonight is guitar and drum night.  Maybe Derrick will go too so each kid will have a parent with them...

A Quiet Weekend

No work or school today! Yipeeeeee!  I had a lot of plans today- mostly unfun stuff like cleaning the house and doing laundry (which I am still gonna do), running for a couple of miles on the torture device tread mill, and spending time with my bebes.  So far what I have done is:  1) had two cups of coffee, 2) listened to Derrin's narrative about various fun things to do in WII land, ie making fun characters and checking out the weather in Antartica and kicking butt in Mario Bros., 3) and I've read.  I downloaded a bunch of free books last night, and now I am hooked into several of them.  All of this unproductivity, and it's not even noon.  I know, how do I do it.  Well, I'll tell you: years of practice.

This weekend turned out to be very sweet and low key.  Kloe didn't get as sick as I had feared.  She had a fever all of Friday night, so neither of us got very much sleep.  We wound up sleeping until nearly eleven the next morning, and even then it was just a drowsy day.  She required tylenol exactly every four hours that whole day, or the headache and fever would come back.  All four of us hunkered down and cuddled on the couch that day.  I went into town at one point and got some movies while Derrick played monopoly with the kids, and then we watched movies for the rest of the night.  I LOVE days together like that.  I know someday the real treasured memories are going to be the quiet times we had together.

Sunday was a quiet day too.  We got up early, studied our Watchtowers and went to meeting in the morning (Kloe said it was her favorite meeting ever because the lesson was about young people and goals), and went out for Chinese for lunch.  I went shopping for a while to find Derrin some new jeans (it's the time of the year when they've grown out of or destroyed their school clothes) while Derrick finished the monopoly game with the kids (such a never ending game), in which he let Kloe win in the end (A very hard thing to do for him.  I wouldn't get used to that if I were Kloe).  When I got home, he had to go do  a quick job fixing a friend's hot tub, and then we spent the rest of the night just hanging out together. 

...And now it is a sleepy and cozy Monday, curled up on the couch with my boy.  Wish every day was like this one:)

Not Alone

There is one sick little girl in this house right now.  Poor bebe.  She has a fever (gave her some tylenol about an hour ago, and she was finally able to go to sleep), and is feeling sick to her stomach.  It's going to be a long night- there is a bowl by the bed in preparation, and more tylenol ready to be dosed.  Might as well plan on getting sick myself too.  This is a three day weekend, so hopefully we'll have some time to recoupe.  At least Derrick made it home last night; a very happy thing for us:)

Talked to my brother Danny tonight.  Talked to Renae.  Talked to Dad.  The hard thing about grief is that even though you can talk to each other about it, you still have to do the work of really grieving on your own.  No one can do it for you, and you can't do it for any one else.  It really does help to talk to others who are going through loss though- makes you realize that a lot of the feelings we go through are just universal.  Plus, I admit it, pretty much every minute of the day at least a part of me is thinking about my Mom.  Everything relates to her.  Everything triggers memories of her.  I think about that last month of her life a lot.  It's stuff you can't just talk about 24/7 with anyone who crosses your path, however.  It is (for me) a very big relief to be able to talk about her, and all of these feelings that I'm going through, and to also hear others talk about her (or their lost loved one) and all of the feelings that they are experiencing too.

I wrote a blog this week and then deleted it because I thought it was too negative.  I'm going to really try not to let myself do that anymore.  Not all feelings are going to be positive right now- that has to be okay.  Walking though the hard feelings is the only way to get to the other side.  Think I'm gong to repost it here:

Broken Records
"If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."- Just read that. I like it. The author goes on to say," So often I have felt troubled and guilty bearing witness to my pain". It is so hard to express real feelings without feeling  bad for possibly depressing or horrifying your listener.  It requires faith in the other person, that they care enough to listen and are strong enough to handle what you are saying.  

I am home from work today. I went in for a little while this morning, but came home. I stayed home yesterday too. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I don't know how people do this- go to work every day, whether they feel like they are bleeding internally or not. Even when my heart isn't hurting, I'm just so tired. Just want to sleep, and sleep... and sleep. I really do like my job. Before my mom died, I didn't dread going in. It is good for me- provides scructure for my day, allows me to be helpful and also contribute to our income. I like the people there very much. I like to be a dependable person and employee. I do deal with cranky people a lot, but that has always been part of working there- you just need to have some compassion and a sense of humor. It's just been harder to go there and deal with people- their frustration, anger, tragedies.  In a way it is good for me though- everyday I am reminded over and over that I am not the only one in this world dealing with loss. So many other people have so much more they are going through. If my misery needs company, I am in just the right place for it.

I know that dwelling on negative things accomplishes nothing except to create ruts in the inner workings of the mind that are hard to get unstuck from. There were just so many things that happened or were said when everything was at its most vulnerable moment. Sometimes it's hard not to ruminate.

Need that serenity... to accept the things I cannot change. Also, need to keep thinking of the wonderful things in my life. My record is broken at the moment... might as well add the good stuff in there for it to keep skipping over too.

Icy Roads

No husband back yet. The roads were bad last night, and there was still work left to do- two compelling reasons to stay in Lewistown.   All of the not sleeping the night before last helped me to sleep last night.

Derrin came in my room early this morning and asked for me to call about school buses being cancelled- he always sets his alarm to go off super early so he can listen to the radio just in case they hint about bus cancelations. They were wildly hinting this morning that buses were going to be shut down because of icy roads. I called the number and we waited with held breaths, filled with hopes and dreams of sleeping in. Nope. If they only knew of the broken hearts of a little boy and his mother because of their decision to soldier on with bus routes...

I love winter. So much. Does it still count as a positive thought if it is said with sarcasm?

We recieved our Scentsy order from Sabrina yesterday. Our house is filled with the glow of little jars of scented wax. It was a little overwhelming last night- every room had it's own smell (we were a little too excited to try one scent at a time). I left them on all night, a soft glow throughout the house. I think I must've burnt off all of my smelling receptors throughout the night, cuz I don't smell anything now. So cute and pretty though (the holders, not the smeller).

nobody's darling but mine- merle haggard

Some Drummin'

I went to drum lessons last night and it was AWESOME, just like Kloe has been saying (in a Rhino from Bolt voice).  

They play West African drums (djembes, ashikos, and dun-duns).   There were seven of us there, all with drums or shakers, repeating drumming patterns after the instructor and singing (last night it was that Michael Franti song- Say Hey...it seems that everywhere I go, the more I see, the less I know.  But I know, one thing, that I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you). 

Okay, so this is what I liked about it (a lot)-  I looked around and saw that most of the kids there were pretty shy.  This class gives a safe enviroment to practice living out loud and to having a voice in front of others.  My little girl, who is not a shy girl at home, is a little shy at school.  I was surprised to see that she is one of the *quiet* ones.  Last night I as I watched her drum, I saw she had a hard time singing at first.  I understood, cuz I did too- I'm one of those quiet in a crowd types too.  But it was really fun for both of us to just let go, drum, and sing.  What a fun way to build self-confidence in a kid!

So, when it's time for her to go live on the beach in Mexico, be a beach hippie and play drums all day, I think maybe I will jump on board.

Wow, didn't sleep last night.  Derrick needs to come home, if for no other reason than so I can sleep.   I laid there all night, hearing every single sound.  I feel such strong impulses to send out texts to friends and family, if for no other reason than to say  "It is 2:30 in the morning.  Hope you were sleeping well.  Love, the Bitterly Disappointed in Sleep".  Or something like that.

Life Stuff

Derrick left to do some work out of town Monday morning, so the kids and I are on our own for a couple of days. I was planning on doing some of the projects I've been thinking about during this time, but so far, nothing.

Last night we watched a movie (The Legend of the Guardians), the kids went to bed, and I sat out here on the couch with one of my journals, listening to the all tragic and depressing girl station on pandora (just enter anything from Tori Amos to Regina Spector as your station, or really any female artist under the age of 40 ),  trying to get words down on the paper... a poem, an idea... It didn't have to be great, or even that good, just wanted to write something; anything.  Turns out there was nothing in there to get out, or at least nothing was showing up. All of that quiet time, wasted! Not really- I tucked myself in on the couch, read for a couple of hours and then went to bed.

This last weekend was really busy. We went to have dinner at some friend's house Friday night, and then service Saturday morning, cleaning the house for a large chunk of that day, and friends over to our house for dinner that night. Then meeting on Sunday...and afterward crashing for a four hour nap. It was a good week though. Our C.O. was here- we had a lot of really great talks. A lot to work on (as always). We heard about maintaining focus, forgiving others and what that means, and supporting eachother.

The kids have their music lessons tonight. Kloe really wants me to go to her drum lessons this time. Could be interesting. She loves it, and wants to show me her drummin' skills. I want to go to Derrin's lesson too. I want his teacher to give him more to work at! I'm getting a bit frustrated with him (the teacher) because I know Derrin can handle more, and needs more to stay motivated. I'm thinking drums take priority this week though, or Kloe may never forgive me.

Wow, this was a rambler. It is so much easier to write about what one is DOING rather that what one is FEELING. I feel a little out of touch with how I feel about anything right now. It's kinda nice, actually:)

Meh, Some Running Chat, and Priorities. Then Back to Meh.

~Sitting here, with some major writer’s block. Watching some Friends, drinking some coffee. Gonna get some more coffee here in a minute. And then maybe some more. It was hard to wake up this morning. I would have gratefully slept for at least a couple more hours.
~Yesterday was one of the harder ones. Life goes on, whether or not you are sad. This day is better already.  With that being said, it was still at least a productive day- service in the morning, work and then meeting that night.  I'm happy about that- fighting through moods to still be productive is a step forward for me.
~I’ve ran twice this week, and plan on running today and once this weekend. I’m only going two miles at a time right now because: 1) My two week sojourn to my couch has left lingering whispers in my body- they must be exorcised slowly lest the couch wins the battle (of my heart) over the treadmill. 2) Regardless of any appreciation I have for the treadmill… it is a treadmill. Two treadmill miles equal four outside (well, mentally and emotionally anyways). 3) I am just going for consistency at this point. As soon as it clears up and outside is an option again, I’ll up the mileage.
~I was thinking about the local marathon this summer, but we found out our district assembly is the same weekend as the marathon. I’ll just have to find a different run to try this summer.
~I need to work on my priority list anyway. Between running stuff, travel stuff, family stuff, hobby stuff (all of which are very important to me)(this is where I should also add photography stuff*can't believe I forgot that!*, and um housework and grocery shopping stuff.  Haha:), it can be a little too easy to not stay as focused on the most important of all spiritual stuff. It is so hard to be balanced!! I’m sure that it will always be that way. It must just be a human thing.
~That is about it for this morning.  My brain no so good at the moment.  Maybe the running will shake some life back into it.

pri·or·i·ty
/praɪˈɔrɪti, -ˈɒr-/[prahy-awr-i-tee]   noun

1.the state or quality of being earlier in time, occurrence, etc.

2.the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence.

3.the right to take precedence in obtaining certain supplies, services, facilities, etc., esp. during a shortage.

4.something given special attention.–adjective

5.highest or higher in importance, rank, privilege, etc.: a priority task.

Fun Surprise

Yesterday when I got home from work there was an unexpected fed-ex package waiting for me. I LOVE unexpected packages!!!! They are one of my favorite things to come home to.

It was from an artist friend who also happened to be an old neighbor of mine, clear back in the first place Derrick and I ever called a home. Rogene and her hubby Mike were so great to live next to. It was a time in life when I don’t think I appreciated the sweetness; it was just a slower time when neighbors could sit out in the grass under a tree and visit.

She is a great portrait artist- the kind that will draw out a picture of a stranger on a napkin as he drinks coffee in a restaurant- and then give it to him as a gift.

She had me come over one day and worked on a portrait for about 20 minutes for practice as we visited. We moved soon after, our lives became more busy, and here we are, seven years later.

What a cool surprise to get it in the mail! She did such a great job, and it is especially special to me because of who the artist is.

So… would it be vain to hang it in the living room? Maybe it’s more of a bedroom picture?

Portrait by Rogene McCormick 2002

Picture of myself around that same time period

Jar of Hearts lyrics

I love the words to this song.  I have serious angst jealousy.  


Christina Perri
Jar Of Hearts lyrics
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Home Sweet Home

We made it home last night in one piece. Look Out pass looked a little glassy, but nothing unmanageable. So now, here I am… trying to work up the gumption to run. *sigh* It has been over two weeks since I turned myself over to my couch’s care as a night potato. Happily, I will start my regular work schedule today, so that means there is time in the morning for running and other “positive life strategies”. Unfortunately, I’m getting a strong “I don’t wanna” reading from my body (and my mind). PLUS, there was NO COFFEE in the cupboard this morning when we woke up. My body is thinking total revolt…


We had a beautiful last day in Seattle. Last day is always so bittersweet. Tia and I went to our favorite bead store in Bellevue. It’s been moved, and it doesn’t feel AS great as before (maybe more crowded and less selection?), but still pretty darned awesome. We managed to not spend as much there as usual (yay us!) because we’ve finally figured out that you should just buy for a couple projects, not stock up for the year, because you'll forget what in the world your plans were for all those beads after awhile anyways. We ate out at a Thai restaurant- so good. Got the red curry with coconut milk… mmm, wish I had some of that right now for breakfast.

Brood Much?

Aw, Cathy and Heathcliffy before it all goes so very wrong.

We spent the rest of the day at home, resting and lounging. Did you know that there is a new Wuthering Heights 2 part mini-series out? I didn’t (until we watched it Sunday night), and that happens to be one of my favorite stories ever (I am a sucker for a good tortured soul and Heathcliff is the BEST, most tortured-est soul ever)(With that being said, I try not to be one.  Tortured souls are kinda hard to deal with in real life). It gets two thumbs up from me.

There is so much snow here.  It may stay winter until June.  It may just stay winter forever.

Sooo, that’s about it this morning. Time to go kick some butt (my butt) and run on that blasted loved treadmill.

Day Two in Seattle

We went at a slower place yesterday.  The guys wanted to drive to Mount Ranier.  The kids and Tia and I didn't relish the thought of being cooped up in a car again, even for a cool road trip.   

So, after the guys left we headed into town and bought some supplies for a fun painting project (a free for all, paint whatever you want kind of project... I'll have to post some pics of our results), and then Tia drove us down to West Seattle so the kids could play on Alki beach.  I have to admit I was a wuss (my toe, OH MY TOE!!! The pain.... the suffering.... actually it's feeling better today), and stayed in the car and read.  I know- LAME.  But Tia and the kids had fun:)

Sand in my boot

Yeah, that stick didn't fit into the car, but it was a nice try

Seattle Skyline

Space Needle

We eventually went home, got out our paint and canvases, and spent the rest of the afternoon being art-TEESTs. 



Art Gallery



Movie talk

"Hey Tia!"
"What Kloe?"
"I wanna watch that movie of David's. You know, Dancing with The Wolves."
"You mean Dances with Wolves?"
"Yeah, THAT one."

Explorin' Places

Wow- so it is officially 2011.  I'm not so sad to see 2010 go buh-bye. It was a rough year... with a lot of good stuff in it too. 

We spent our last day of the year exploring some of the cute little port towns in Washington.  David and Tara rented a bigger vehicle to we were all able to go on this road trip together. 

We stopped in the little town of Port Townsend for a bigger part of our day.  Derrick and David took the kids to a place called Fort Worden- an old bunker that people can go in and explore.  Derrin took some pictures there- I'll post 'em in here when he wakes up.

Derrin's Pictures of Fort Worden

"Those who critisize our generation forget who raised it."

While the men and kids were exploring there, Tia and I wandered around the town.  We had SO much fun.. We grabbed some coffee (didn't get to bed until 2 in the morning the night before) to wake us up, and also keep our hands warm while we wandered- it was cold!  Not as cold as Montana, but still noteworthy. 

We checked out bead shops, hat stores, shoe stores, jewelry being sold down by the water (I'm still kicking myself for not buying a blue/topaz-celtic knot ring I saw).  The stores were all artsy and fun no matter what they were selling.

The men eventually picked us up, and we drove to Sequim.  If we ever decide to pack up and move, this is one place we might check out.  The town is a good size, lots of stores, and the surrounding country is beautiful.

My poor toe hurts:(  I wore heels all day yesterday for our adventure, and my big toe is throbbing from the abuse.  It started in the restaurant last night (if I could remember the name and location of that place, I'd give it a thumbs DOWN, but the company I was in was so fine that I still enjoyed myself).  I started complaining more about it on the ferry ride back to Seattle (what is the point of having a sore toe if you can't complain descriptively). 

Speaking of the ferry ride, it was escorted by the coast guard and there were bomb squad folks wandering around the deck.  At one point a calm female voice spoke over the intercom saying:"We are now being escorted by the coast guard, please don't worry, this is quite common (or something to that effect)." Isn't that what they say right before the plane starts going down, or the terrorists come rushing out with guns?  Tara and I were both mentally prepareng to un-strap the kids and jump overboard.  But the ride continued on uneventfully on to the shore, and all was well as we drove on to land.

We were pretty wiped out by the time we got home.  We attempted watching a movie (or rather, the guys did- Tia played with the kiddos for a bit, and I obsessed awhile over pictures).  Can't even remember if we stayed up passed midnight.  Somewhere in the middle of the night it occurred to me that it is 2011 now.  What a nice way to start the new year:)