There is one sick little girl in this house right now. Poor bebe. She has a fever (gave her some tylenol about an hour ago, and she was finally able to go to sleep), and is feeling sick to her stomach. It's going to be a long night- there is a bowl by the bed in preparation, and more tylenol ready to be dosed. Might as well plan on getting sick myself too. This is a three day weekend, so hopefully we'll have some time to recoupe. At least Derrick made it home last night; a very happy thing for us:)
Talked to my brother Danny tonight. Talked to Renae. Talked to Dad. The hard thing about grief is that even though you can talk to each other about it, you still have to do the work of really grieving on your own. No one can do it for you, and you can't do it for any one else. It really does help to talk to others who are going through loss though- makes you realize that a lot of the feelings we go through are just universal. Plus, I admit it, pretty much every minute of the day at least a part of me is thinking about my Mom. Everything relates to her. Everything triggers memories of her. I think about that last month of her life a lot. It's stuff you can't just talk about 24/7 with anyone who crosses your path, however. It is (for me) a very big relief to be able to talk about her, and all of these feelings that I'm going through, and to also hear others talk about her (or their lost loved one) and all of the feelings that they are experiencing too.
I wrote a blog this week and then deleted it because I thought it was too negative. I'm going to really try not to let myself do that anymore. Not all feelings are going to be positive right now- that has to be okay. Walking though the hard feelings is the only way to get to the other side. Think I'm gong to repost it here:
Broken Records
"If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."- Just read that. I like it. The author goes on to say," So often I have felt troubled and guilty bearing witness to my pain". It is so hard to express real feelings without feeling bad for possibly depressing or horrifying your listener. It requires faith in the other person, that they care enough to listen and are strong enough to handle what you are saying.
I am home from work today. I went in for a little while this morning, but came home. I stayed home yesterday too. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I don't know how people do this- go to work every day, whether they feel like they are bleeding internally or not. Even when my heart isn't hurting, I'm just so tired. Just want to sleep, and sleep... and sleep. I really do like my job. Before my mom died, I didn't dread going in. It is good for me- provides scructure for my day, allows me to be helpful and also contribute to our income. I like the people there very much. I like to be a dependable person and employee. I do deal with cranky people a lot, but that has always been part of working there- you just need to have some compassion and a sense of humor. It's just been harder to go there and deal with people- their frustration, anger, tragedies. In a way it is good for me though- everyday I am reminded over and over that I am not the only one in this world dealing with loss. So many other people have so much more they are going through. If my misery needs company, I am in just the right place for it.
I know that dwelling on negative things accomplishes nothing except to create ruts in the inner workings of the mind that are hard to get unstuck from. There were just so many things that happened or were said when everything was at its most vulnerable moment. Sometimes it's hard not to ruminate.
Need that serenity... to accept the things I cannot change. Also, need to keep thinking of the wonderful things in my life. My record is broken at the moment... might as well add the good stuff in there for it to keep skipping over too.
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