Variety, A Necessary Ingrediant

You see this beautiful jello?

(Here's how you make this).

This jello represents an astounding victory for me.  I don't think I have ever mentioned it in here, but I have never really developed my skills in the kitchen.

My mom did try to teach me how to cook, but I had zero interest in learning how to.  Instead of seeing it as something I could enhance my life with, I saw it as another way to keep me tied to the kitchen instead of outside playing with the boys.  Watching them play out the kitchen window while I washed dishes was bad enough. I might add that doing dishes was the only chore besides sometimes dusting and vacuuming that was expected of me.  My mom even did my laundry for me until I moved out at 21 (my own kids started helping with laundry as little tots).   In short, I had moments of indignant spoiled brattery, and some of the effects and residual thinking from those days are still with me.

My stand on the issue has been this: 

1.  Food does not equal love, and just because I don't cook fabulous meals doesn't mean I don't care about you.

2.  Studies have shown that a lack of variety in diet (not including fruits and veges) is not necessarily a bad thing, and people are better able to maintain weight when not always presented with new foods.

3.  I am a creative person, but not when it comes to cooking, so deal with it.

So, for years, I have made my standard fare: spaghetti, tacos, beef stew, shrimp parmesan linguine, and a few other meals thrown in there is add a little variety. My list doesn't sound SO bad, except for it never has really changed.  Same ol' thing, day after day.

My family has recently began to protest.  Some of their points were:

1.  The way to a man's heart really is through his stomach (or it is a close second... haha). Please care more.

2.  Food is one of the best pleasures of life, and you are the preparer of most the food we eat.  Please care more.

3.  Variety is an actual human need (not exactly the words used, but it's what I heard).  Please care more.

 In response, I have kicked it up a notch in the dinner arena.  I may not enjoy all the steps it takes to get a meal on the table (Like making out new grocery lists with ingredients I actually have to search for in the store instead of all of my old standbys, paying for stuff that will basically soon be a waste product, finding room for all of that stuff in my cupboards, actually trying to cook something on a hope and a dream that it will taste right, and then cleaning the whole thing up), but I have determined that I need to care more.  Maybe food doesn't equal love, but doing all the work to make a nice meal does show that you care a great deal for the recipient to the meal.  And I do care a very great deal for my family.

SO, Pinterest has become my best recipe friends, and I am happy to report that we have not had spaghetti even ONCE in the last two weeks. 

I even made meatloaf for the first time ever!!  It was met with gagging and crying from one of my children (guess which one), but it got a couple of thumbs up too.  I still don't think I will be making it again any time soon.  It was just not worth the drama.

I made a Ranch Chicken dish that taught me that even if the directions hint that it's okay to use frozen chicken while baking, it will guarantee runny sauce and about an hour longer to cook.

I made chicken enchiladas that, while being declared as a new favorite my one of my children (Guess which one.  Hint:  it's the same one who gagged at meatloaf), also had about four pounds of cheese and other delicious fatty stuff.  It lasted for two nights, which was awesome.  The increased risk of heart attack for all of us, however, has made me aware I need to rethink this recipe.

I definitely gained weight during the first month of trying new foods.

The kids have begun to make other culinary requests of me.  Both have requested treats for their classrooms this year.  At first I was not fazed.  Kloe just wanted brownies, so no big deal, right?  I carefully made two sheets of brownies, and they turned out beautiful.  When I went to cut them into kid size pieces the next morning, I ran into a snag.  They were so hard my knife couldn't even make a dent.  I had to grind and saw before I could break any bits off.  Kloe, being the thrifty chocolate lover that she is, still kept the giant hard-as-rock pieces to gnaw on later.  Unfortunately, she put them in giant plastic baggies, the kind that are easy for a 'dog left on her own' to grab and snack on.  Those brownies may have been too hard for my knife, but they were no match for Jessy's insatiable hunger for all things forbidden and chocolate.

That same week, I attempted round two of brownies for Kloe's class.  Still traumatized by the other brownie incident, I over compensated with extra eggs and oil (not that much though).  These brownies also looked fabulous.  The next morning, however, the middle of one of the pans was nothing but goo.  A spoon was the only thing worth using for that section.  I was almost in tears (over brownies!) when Kloe came out of her room and said she wanted to use these gooey brownies anyways.  SO, I cut around the goo, put the half baked brownies in a container, and sent her on her way.  She later reported that they got all thumbs up.  What I learned from this is that 5th graders do not care so much about quality, as long as they are permitted to ingest sugar during school hours.

Derrin was the kid who requested jello.  Now, you may be thinking why in the world was I intimidated by the jello request.  Mostly, it was from residual scarring left from the brownies incident.  SO, I turned to my friend Pinterest, and found the most  complicated jello recipe I could find (which still wasn't that complicated because, hello, it's jello).  I very carefully followed the instructions (I have finally begun to internalize how important that step really is when dealing with food projects), and voilà!  A masterpiece!  Of jello!!

Who ever knew life would ever get this exciting? *And I am rolling my eyes, but really, I am pleased with this turn-about*.  But, we all eventually have areas in life we need to grow in.  Apparently, this was the area that my family voted for me, and that's okay.  Now, off to find new recipes.

14 Years Together

"We were together.  I forget the rest".  Walt Whitman

This last weekend Derrick and I went out of town for our anniversary, as we try to do every year.  The last four years we have went to Whitefish for our anniversary, so this year we decided to shake it up and go to Spokane instead.

The one commonality of our anniversaries throughout the years have been the monochromatic way the December sky decides to present itself.  As we headed out of town on Friday, it looked as though we were heading into the usual grey but happy weekend, but somewhere around the middle of Saturday, the clouds opened up and gave us blue skies.  They stuck around for the rest of our time out of town, and even now it is blue skies and sunny.

This was one of my personal favorite anniversary trips.  Our motel was really close to downtown Spokane, so we pretty much walked to most of the places we wanted to go throughout the weekend.  There was the usual shopping that goes along with a trip to Spokane, but we spent a lot of time walking, hanging out in our room (which was very nice), and going to some of the fun restaurants and pubs in downtown Spokane.

I love anniversary weekends.  We always make the effort to have that weekend to ourselves, and without fail we have the best discussions together of our year.

We talked about getting older, and our fears we have attached to it.  My fear (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people), is that of being devalued as a person by society.  Derrick's is mostly just the fear of being sickly or not being able to do what he once did.  Other than that, he's looking forward to being a cranky old man with no pressure from society to follow rules.  He's preparing for a reign of obnoxiousness :)  Getting old wouldn't be so bad as long as I could do it with him, because I know he will always see me as I really am.  Hopefully, though, we will never have to get old.

Of course (!) we talked about the kids.  Like most parents, we talk about them a lot.  You know how when you love someone, all conversations have a way of leading to that person?  That principle must apply to parents with their children.  Our hopes and dreams for them equal and surpass the hopes and dreams for ourselves.  The sum of our kid conversations are mostly how to keep them safe and sound but also give the tools and freedom to create happiness and dreams for themselves.  As they get older, we are seeing what a tricky road this may be.  We will just have to try our best, like our parents did for us.

We talked about our longstanding dream too, and decided it's time to make our trip to Europe a reality.  We saved for a trip we are going to take later this winter, and realized that if we are careful, saving for travel doesn't have to be crazy hard (as long as nothing too extreme happens in the meantime).  It might not be an immediate trip, but just knowing we are in the process of making it happen is a happy thought.

Fourteen years is a long time to be married.  We've had plenty of growing pains, and lots of wonderful times too.  We've been through a scary pregnancy and birth where Derrick almost lost both Derrin and me.  We've parented babies, toddlers, little kids, big kids and now teenagers together, with all of the struggles and joys that entails.  We've been through cancer in our family and the loss of a parent together.  We've battled depression and health issues together.  We've had the opportunity to travel to far away places we'd never been before together.  We've build a house and home together.  We've decorated the inside of our marriage with love.

Winter Has Arrived

It turned into winter last night, as predicted.  It is supposed to get below zero this week.  We'll see.  I haven't been too impressed with any weather predictions this year.

It is still early in the season, but so far I am enjoying the colder weather much more than usual.  I think a very big reason is that Derrick installed the pellet stove late last winter, so even though it is cold outside, I am very warm inside our house.  For the first time in the seven years we have been in this house, I am not huddled up in a blanket, wearing a sweater, and drinking hot tea just to keep myself from being tense with cold.  :)

On a different note, I am missing the camera on my Galaxy 3.  The phone itself started giving me grief, so Derrick let me switch over to his old Motorola.  The phone itself works great (I can actually enter my number code in to check my voice mail!  Whew!), but the camera doesn't work much better than the plain jane dumb phone I had before the Galaxy.  Oh well (and I know I sound like a complete spoiled whiner here).  You can still get the idea from these pics.  Snow has been officially documented.

A Long Weekend

It's a lazy Sunday morning here.  Kloe and Derrick are playing Mario Brothers (both yelling intermittently at the screen and each other), and I am laying here in my new bathrobe (Derrick says it looks like baby seal skin... excellent) rereading my old blogs and realizing it is time to get back on the horse of writing in here.  Derrin is at a sleepover in Dixon with his friend Lewie's house (Derrick insists on pulling my socks off as I write... apparently interrupting me while I write helps his Mario game...).

It was Thanksgiving this Thursday, so we had a four day weekend from work and five day weekend from school.  We managed to spend a lot of time with various friends, but still had some down time together at home.

Our Long Weekend Included

• The kids spent Wednesday geocaching with the Taylors.  All reports from them indicate it was an awesome day.  Derrin especially loves geocaching, which doesn't surprise me.  I had to work that day, but that night I went to Lyndsay's house for an all-girl 'spa night'.  I had imagined that our 'spa night' would include drinking some wine in her hot tub and talking until the wee hours of the night, which sounded awesome to me.  Instead, Lyndsay created an amazing spa atmosphere in her house with soft music, candles, snacks, and wine, and then had us all get into our robes while she sat out tubs of hot water with bathsalts for us to soak our feet in.  She did this for all eight of us, while bringing sugar scrubs and glasses of wine and hot towels to wrap our legs in. After we were all soft and scrubbed, we sat around her table and painted finger and toe nails while having some serious girl talk.  It was a really great night.  Lyndsay is a generous and amazing person... I learned a serious lesson on giving that night.  

• Thursday morning I woke up early, and met Shannon at body pump.  Usually the class is insanely full on holiday mornings, but it wasn't as crazy full this time.  Later that day, the three Sturgill kids came over to hang out (they were visiting from Washington this weekend), and they ended up playing outside and in their rooms most of that day.  Amanda came over to visit a bit before taking Jalen and Lilly and Audrey stayed to spend the night with Kloe.  

• Friday.... aw, Black Friday.  Normally, I shun all shopping on Black Friday.  As an opportunity to hang out with the girls (as in Shannon and Lyndsay and her friend Cassandra), I actually ventured out for this Black Friday.  We didn't meet until ten, so most of the crazy door busters were over, and therefore most of the crazy crowds were gone.  We hit Murdock's (bought a skiing hat), Goodwill (Weird, right?  But everything was 50% off, and I bought a bunch of summer dresses and wine glasses and still came in under $30), then we hit Huhot's for lunch, and we had just ventured into the mall when I decided to call to find out what time we needed to show up for our dinner plans at Steve and Sabrina's.  Turned out that our early dinner had changed into late lunch, and somehow we'd fallen through the cracks of dinner time awareness.  While I had assumed I would have until around 4 or 5 to get there, it turned out that we were supposed to be there at 1 and everyone else was already there.  After a mild heart attack and some deep breathing exercises, I called Derrick to tell him Kloe's sleepover needed to end early and Audrey needed a ride back to her folks, and then I gathered my girls from the four corners of the mall and gave them all a ride back to Murdock's where we'd left their cars.  

• The dinner/game night resulted in a lot of fun, regardless of our tardiness.  It was full of lots of my favorite people (Diefenbachs, Leeflangs, McArthurs), good food and drinks, and happy atmosphere.  We played poker (I lost the first game, but then won a later game- important to note that detail...), and also Liar's Dice.  The little girls (the McArthur girls, Alana, and Kloe) all spent the night with Darby, and by Kloe's account no one went to sleep until around 4 in the morning. Party Animals.

• On Saturday, Derrin went over to Lewie's house after service, and we picked up a very tired Miss Kloe.  Derrick wasn't feeling well, so we tucked ourselves in for the rest of the day/night, and did very little.  It felt great.

•  I started writing this Sunday morning (it is now Monday afternoon).  Derrick pestered me into getting off of the couch mid-blog, and going on a walk with him, Kloe and Jessy.  It is getting windy and damp out there, but we had a nice time.  Kloe started feeling icky later that afternoon, so I stayed home from meeting with her.

• And now it is Monday.  The long weekend is over.  This was one of those fairly busy/crazy weekends where even though we had a lot of fun, the normal quiet routine of regular life wasn't all together an unacceptable reality.

And that's about it for the weekend rundown.  This week is supposed to get super cold.  Sounds like real winter is just around the corner.  *sigh*  I guess it was bound to get here eventually.  

Worth Every Penny

My giant goldfish died this week:(  He started slowing down this summer, and eventually we could see he was swelling on one side.  Turns out, tumors in goldfish are pretty common.  I didn't think it was possible to be so attached to a GOLDFISH, for crying out loud, but we'd had him for almost six years.  He was a good pet.  He made me believe that I am not the ultimate fish killer.  RIP Mercury (the fish formerly known as "Fred's Widow").

The Forty Dollar Goldfish

How the Radio Makes Me Hate Most Songs

First DJ- WOW!!!  This is an AMAZING song.  It is so truly original!!!
Second DJ- You are correct, my good Sir.  How long do you think it will take before we totally suck the life out of it, and make most of our listeners complete despise it?
First DJ-  Good question, my man!  With a song this great, it is going to take a bit of effort on our part.  Let's start out with the obvious:  We will play this song at LEAST twice and hour, every hour.
Second DJ- Great start!  I think I will call our sister stations and let them join in, and with careful planning we can make sure the song has almost continuous play time!
First DJ- FANTASTIC thinking!  You are on FIRE!!  I think we should let this go on for a few months.  But, you know, this song has a pretty unique beat.  I suspect some people may be pretty hard to flip from loving it to the pure hate that we are trying to accomplish.
Second DJ- NO WORRIES.  While we've been talking, I laid out a fresh new dance beat we can use on our song.  And when I say "fresh new beat", of course I am being completely ironic.  Now it can sound like every other song we play on our station, with only a hint of what made anyone love it in the first place!!!
First DJ-  I knew there was a reason I hired you!!  Let's get going!  This song isn't going to get hated all by itself!

Day 24- What's In My Purse

1.  Checks that Derrick put in there for me to deposit tomorrow (must remember).
2.  Acuvue Advance Plus Contact Lenses, because usually when I need a new pair, I am away from home.
3.  A lose business card from JM. Outfitters- the crew that took my family on an awesome horseback ride this summer.
4. My wallet.
5. Bath and Body Works Black Current Vanilla hand lotion.  My favorite.
6. Super Stay 10 Stain Lipgloss.
7. Revlon Photoready face powder.
8. My car keys.
9. Six random lipsticks, one lip liner, one lip gloss.
10. Neutrogena Healthy Skin Eye Brightening Perfector.
11. 2 Pens.
12. A bunch of Victoria's Secret Coupons (better use them soon!)
13. Hair Pick.
14. Pill Bottle.
15. Tons of gum wrappers.
16. one dollar and ninety five cents in lose change.
17. Eight pieces of gum.
18. Two hair clippies.
19. Five Tampons.
20. One Almond.

And that is IT!  Onward to Day 25....

Day 23

Okay.  Day 22 was posted on September 24th and here I am, nearly fifteen days later writing Day 23.  Did I say the days would be consecutive when I started this?  No, I did not, mostly because it didn't occur to me to say it.  That's right; an unintentional loophole was created, and here I am, taking advantage.

I have had a couple of weeks to mildly ponder the topics that stumped me on Day 23.  The topics were:

1.  Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
2.  Something that I miss.
3.  20 Facts About Me.

I have actually tried to write about each one of these topics, but somehow I just couldn't make it happen. So, here is a fresh attempt.

I've written lots of facts about myself over the years.  Here are some old and new random 20 facts about me:

1. I love black licorice.
2. I almost hate peanut butter.
3. I am obsessed with brushing my teeth.
4. My hair is not really red.
5. I am obsessed with the numbers 3, 11, and 13.  And 76.
6. I am infp on Myers/Briggs.
7. Most of my friends are probably sick of hearing about Myers/Briggs.
8. My favorite wine right now is Ménage à Troi red.
9. I had to google how to spell Ménage à Troi.
10. I just finished season 2 of "New Girl".  LOVED it.  Sad there isn't more yet.
11. I am a pretty patient person. Most of the time.
12. I am also good at acting like a patient person, but would secretly love to smash things at times.
13. I just counted how many more I have to come up with. (Need 6 more).
14. I am a ruiner and breaker of electronic things.  So are my kids. Thus I am now using Derrick's old computer (I don't know how to manage my pictures in here, so I've basically disappeared from social media), and my phone is almost ready to die.
15. My middle name is Joelle (getting desperate to make the twenty).
16. I am number 5 in a family of 6.
17. I am pretty competitive at some things, but I try to control it.
18. I hate housework.  I wish I could be like everyone else and love it.
19. I am relieved I managed to trudge up 20 things.
20. Just realized I only managed 19.  Now I am at 20.  :)

Wow.  Just made it to twenty.  I'm letting go of the other two topics.  Day 23 has stumped me long enough- time to move on.

Day 22- Bullet Your Whole Day

• Woke up at 7:15. Stumbled out to the living room where the kids were already up and mostly ready for school.  Ground up coffee beans and started the morning coffee ritual. Kissed kids good morning, and then sat in a delirium for a few moments.  Kids both head out for the bus.
• 8:00- Started getting ready to head out to Body Pump.  Packed some extra clothes so I could be ready to do some things in town afterward.
• 8:30- Left the house to head to the other side of town.
• 9:00-10:00- Body Pump-age.  I stayed on my higher weights today, so I was simultaneously happy with and cursing myself.  Survived.
• 10:00-11:15- Got dressed and ready for actual public appearance.  Headed over to Ross (pretty close to where I work out), and went shopping for a bit.  Found a new dress, meeting shoes for Kloe (turned out to be too big when she tried them on though), and an awesome dragonfly wind chime.
• 11:15-11:30- Went to Wendy's and had one of their Flat bread Chicken Sandwiches, minus bacon and ranch.  
• 11:30-12:00- Tried to follow google maps to find the address of a Craigslist guy I wanted to buy a fish tank from.  I hate the google maps app on my phone.  It is always in slow motion, so I always manage to take lots of wrong turns.  Felt insanely accomplished when I actually found the guy's house.  The tank itself was disappointing.  I took it anyway because it had a better filtration system then the tank I have, and Giant Goldfish (aka "Mercury") wasn't going to make it much longer without a working filter on his tank.
• 12:00-1-ish- Derrick called and asked if I wanted to go to Jakers for lunch with him and Steve.  Yeah!  Lunch #2!  I actually just had a cup of soup, but it was fun hanging out with the guys for a bit.
• 1:15-2:30-ish-  I scrubbed, scraped, scalded, and did anything I could think of to clean up the fish tank I bought from the lam-o Craigslist guy.  Drained the other tank.  Transferred the giant goldfish while trying to avoid being soaked by his flopping tantrum.  Pieced together a working tank by using parts of both tanks, filled the finished one and then tossed the ungrateful fish back into his tank.
• 2:30-2:45- Went out to the office to take a break from all things fish related.  Watched some TED tv on youtube.
• 2:45-3:15- Shannon came over to balance quickbooks, so I hung out and chatted with her while she worked :)  She does all that stuff about 10 times faster then I ever could, and with NO cursing what-so-ever.
• 3:15-400- Cleaned up the fish mess out of the kitchen, then emptied the dishwasher, loaded any dirty dishes, and made it perfect.
• 4:00-5:15- Started trying to figure out what is for dinner.  Kids veto my lasagna idea, so stew and rolls it is.  Started cooking the texas rolls (they take forever).  Start thawing out stew meat in the microwave.  Notice that I have at least a dozen bananas all turning black, so decide to make a giant batch of banana bread.  
• 5:15-6:30- Finish up all the foods.  Eat dinner.  The house smells lovely.  Still no Derrick though :(  He must be working late tonight.
• 6:30-7:00- Somehow stumble into a discussion about GMO's with the kids.  Start talking about Monsanto.  Derrin googles it and discovered it was voted most evil corporation in the world (by organic types).  Derrin starts researching it feverishly.  Kloe declares she was happier before she ever knew about it and turns on "Ugly Betty" to wipe Monsanto from her mind.  Somewhere in there, Derrick calls and lets me know he is on his way home. 
• 7:09- Kloe discovers that "The Voice" is on tonight.  Squeals.  Guess it's this instead of "Ugly Betty".  I'm glad- this is one of the only shows I actually like on regular television anymore (The others are "The Middle" and "Big Bang Theory".  Other than that we watch netflix).
• 7:11- Derrick is finally home from work :)  Tells Derrin thanks for bringing in the garbage cans (I didn't even notice!), and then tells me the house smells good.  It smells like foooood.
• 7:12-8:00- Watched "The Voice" with the kids until 8:00, have them empty the dishwasher during commercials, then off to bed with them.
• 8:00-9:30- Finish cleaning the kitchen yet again. A little messing around on facebook... watching some youtube... some Simon's cat and then somewhere in the middle of a lecture on personality disorders that I actually found really interesting (I'm a bit of a weirdo like that), I fell asleep.  I think it is time for bed.  Goodnight!!

Day 21- A Photo of Something That Makes Me Happy

Day 20- The Meaning Behind My Blog Name

I started this blog in June of 2010 (All of the posts from before that point were all transferred from a different blog I had kept regularly a couple years before).  You wouldn't know it from the posts from around that time period, but I had just gone through a couple of rough months.

Even though I knew most likely I would never write any of my deep, dark secrets in a blog that others were going to read, I knew it would still be good for me to start writing again.  Still, when I named this blog originally, it was Lamentations of a Girl From Paradise. I was hopeful that I might eventually allow myself some wiggle room to lament in here.  As for the "From Paradise" part, I grew up in a little town that goes by the name of Paradise.  There was also a little tongue in cheek with the first name, after all, what business does a girl from Paradise have with lamenting?

Eventually, I dropped the lamentations, and it became  "From Paradise".  A lot of blogs have focus on distinct subjects and that's how they choose their names.  Since this blog has been more or less just a collection of my own random thoughts and written down experiences, "From Paradise" felt right.  It's all about origins.  Paradise shaped me.  I'm related to that whole town, or at least to who was in that town from 1910-1990. Ninety percent of the folks in the Paradise Cemetery are relatives.  The school there shaped me, not exactly for the better, but it definitely got it's dings in me. Paradise was a very important part of my life, and I've brought it with me all of these years later.

Honestly, the name of the blog also describes how my life feels to me most of the time now.  Of course, everything isn't always perfect in my life.  But, I am more blessed that I ever would have imagined when I was younger.  If I get to be old someday, I know these are the years I will look back at as the best years.  I do feel as though I am writing in the "From Paradise" time of my life.  

Day 19: Five Items I Lust After

LUST

a. An overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power.

b. Intense eagerness or enthusiasm: a lust for life.

1.  Travel: 

• Warm and exotic locations.  I spend a lot of time plotting about how to get out of here in the winter, to go to the awesome parts of Mexico, or Hawaii, or Costa Rica, or anywhere in the Mediterranean.
• Europe, especially Italy (I know I am being redundant), Scotland, Ireland, France and Brazil.  Derrick and I want to do the Eurail Pass, with just our backpacks and a general idea of where we want to go.
• Anywhere that isn't The United States or Canada. Elsewhere.

2.  New Experiences

• Hikes I've never been on. 
• Restaurants I've never eaten at.  
• Karaoke on a cruise ship.  
• Zip lining through a rain forest. 
• Heck, I'd love to spend the night in a rain forest (and live). 
• Slow dancing at a club in France.  
• I want to do things I have never even heard about.  

3.  Opportunities to see awesome music concerts (preferably in outside venues) For instance:

• Regina Spektor
• Tori Amos
• Foster the People
• Nero 

4. Awesome Footwear:

• Tall Sexy Boots 
• Sexy High Heels
• The Perfect Running Shoe

5.  Sunglasses.  Lots and lots of sunglasses for me.

Day 18- Something I Crave A Lot

The shirt to the right pretty much says it all for me today.  I found the stash of chocolate that Derrick keeps for me for those times of emergency.  I found it completely by accident.  There was half a bag of chocolate chips and some candy bars, probably all from camping this summer.  I intentionally don't keep that stuff around, specifically for the days I have an intense weakness for chocolate.  Today was that day.  Poor chocolate didn't have a chance.

Day 18... I declare you done.

Day 17...

Ugh... the three topics assigned as options for day 17 have to do with:

1.   Writing about my celebrity crush (Conan O'Brien, by the way, forever and always)

or

2.  Something I am proud about (my kids, hands down)

or

3.  Someone Who I Shared a Friendship/Relationship With Who Simply Drifted Out of My Life (hmmm).

Day 17, I declare you done.

Day 16- A Photo of Myself and My Family

Day 15- A Band/Musical Artist Whose Music Impacted My Life

Once upon a time, when I was about 21 years old, I had a "disagreement" with this guy I was going out with.  It was one of the last "disagreements" we ever got in, because I broke up with him not long after and then I moved back home.

Crazily enough, it was all about music.  He was a local musician, and considered himself a "guru" of all things music.  He really did have an amazing collection of music, and I discovered a lot of amazing artists through him, and I appreciated that.  The one thing I didn't appreciate though, was his intolerance of anything that he didn't consider worthy of his divine approval.  The night of the disagreement, we were on my turf for once, and I decided to throw some hip-hop in (I believe it was Salt and Peppa, who I still like btw).  I knew it was less deep than the stuff he liked, but it was (is) fun music and it always makes me feel like jumping around.  I remember he demanded I turn it off, I said no, he threatened to leave, I said go AHEAD.... after that, the memory gets fuzzy...

Once upon another time, I was sitting in a hot tub with a bunch of friends, and one of them asked me who my all time favorite artist was.  When I told him, he told me he was disappointed in me (he actually said that!).  He'd thought I would say someone he liked and identified with.  He thought this even though we were completely different people:  different sexes, different ages, and completely different personalities.

In my humble opinion, both of these men were complete idiots in those moments.  Judging someone because of what kind of music they like is like judging someone because of their favorite meal, or their favorite scent.  There is a reason we are drawn to the music we love.  For instance, the reason I loved Salt n Peppa back in those days had to do with the memory of a summer years before.  I'd hung out with a group of girls who loved that group, and had spent lots of times shout/singing lyrics with them while cruising around town in the back of a truck.  A little red-neck, yes.  But, it was such a carefree and light-hearted time in my life, and that night I'd had the disagreement with that guy, I'd been trying to channel some of those feelings to balance out the over all heaviness of the mood already starting between us.  Music was and always has been one of my best cures to any mood I am in.  

My favorite musical artist is Sarah McLachlan, and she has been for the last 16 years.  Her music was introduced to me the very night an intense part of my life started.  The first song I ever heard of hers was "Possession", which although I'm not going to tell that part of the story, I will say was really fitting.  It's off of the album "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy".  

The lyrics of that whole cd seemed to be narrating my life through that time period.  I was making some bad choices, and withdrew from my family and there were times I was more alone than I'd ever been.  I had her music on repeat through most of it.  I was still alone, but her music helped me make it through. One of the songs that still gives me chills off of that cd is "Fear"- pretty much described how I felt, especially toward the end of that hard time.

Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place

I ordered her next cd "Surfacing" as soon as I could.  My favorite song off of that album, "Sweet Surrender" pretty much described my experience when I finally went home to get my life back where I needed it to be.

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith 
betrayed me
and led me from my home and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

When I was a house mother to a group of about 20 girls at a boarding school for troubled kids, we would take turns singing songs at night before bed.  The song I always sang was "Angel", because I was still healing from my own hard time, and every girl there could relate to it too.

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

One of the songs Derrick and I danced to at our wedding was "I Love You" off of 'Surfacing':

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

and then later I found him in  'Push'- my beacon of hope that He was...
You see me at my weakest
But you take me as i am
When i fall you offer me a softer place to land
You stay the course, you hold the line
Keep it all together
You're the one true thing i know i can believe in
You're all the things that i desire
You save me, complete me
You're the one true thing i know i can believe in
I get mad so easy
But you give me room to breathe
No matter what i say, you'll do
Because you're too good to fight about it
Even when i have to push
Just to see how far you'll go

At my mom's funeral, one of the songs we chose for her slide show was "Ice Cream".  I've always loved the words to that song, and it was so perfect.  And, of course, we played "I Will Remember You".

Another one of her cd's 'Afterglow' came out in 2003.  A lot of that songs on that album have to do with making mistakes and dealing with consequences.  Once again, it seemed to be telling my story to me.

When an artist manages to sing a large part of your life to you, you have very good reason to call her your very favorite artist.  After all, if my experiences had been different, someone else would have told my story, and someone else would be my favorite musician.  

Day 14: What I Wore Today

I seriously did not intend on choosing this entry.  The other two choices, however, I feel I have already talked about a lot(who makes my life worth living) and not really applicable (not really addicted to any tv shows right now) at the moment.  Had I thought it through, I probably would've just posted some pictures of what I wore today instead of writing about it.

SOooOO....  here is the exciting run down of what I wore today, using my WORDS:

I honestly can not remember what I woke up in this morning.  Just that it covered my bits. :)

For most of the day, I wore a black t-shirt, khaki capris, and canvas-y sandals.  The most exciting part of my outfit was the copper with green pearl necklace that Tia gave me.

I eventually changed into black shorts and a black tank top for body pump.  The most exciting part of that outfit was the brand new running shoes I FINALLY went out and bought today (something I'd been wanting to do since the beginning of the month).

Now I am in my "pajamas"- grey tank top, black workout pants.

I hope I didn't over excite any one with my graphic apparel descriptions!! 

Day 13- My opinion of My Body and How Comfortable I am With It

Well, this is an interesting topic.

Most women I know have some insecurity about their bodies.  How couldn't we, when we are bombarded with messages that our worth depends largely on external factors like weight, age, how long our legs are, what our boobs look like, and any other little thing they ("they" being anyone who stands to make a buck by plugging these thoughts into the general consciousness of the population).  The more they can make us hate our bodies and learn to view each other with judgement in our eyes, the more money we will be willing to shell out to fix it.  Most of us are caught in a cycle of self-flagellation, as if we can atone for the crime of being physically imperfect if we just admit it out loud to ourselves and everyone else. I am no more immune to this than any one else. 

I was in high school when I really got serious about my weight.  Most days I would skip breakfast and lunch, have a soda (not diet though, always hated diet soda), and then have a small dinner.  During most of my teen years I hover around 115 lbs.   If I was able to maintain 115 lbs.(although anything closer to 100 would have been completely acceptable to me), I felt prettier and more in control. Heaven forbid I ever go over 120 lbs.  I was fairly active (riding bikes and walking around Paradise), but in those days it was still more about alleviating boredom than being healthy.

Eventually, I began to eat a little bit better, but I still had no idea about nutrition.  I mostly tried to keep portion size under control.  Derrick and I got married when I was 23.  I started gaining weight pretty quickly, partially because of birth control pills, but also because I was matching his portion sizes for every meal.  I had already gained about fifteen pounds when I discovered I was pregnant.  I remember feeling completely out of control.  Every morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I didn't even recognize the face looking back at me.  I hated how my clothes fit.  I was tired all of the time and didn't want to go anywhere.  I was actually uncomfortable in my own body.  After Derrin was born, I had about thirty-five extra pounds.

It took about 9 months after I had Derrin before I finally started losing weight.  It took about six months before I finally was back to my pre-marriage weight.  I felt like myself again.

The memory of what it felt like to be over weight during that part of my life has stuck with me.  I never want to feel like that again, so I am very careful to stay within five pounds of my most comfortable weight.  I do what I can in order to feel at home inside of my body.

However, I wouldn't say that maintaining my weight has been my biggest incentive for being consistent with exercise.  I work out because it makes me healthier, physically and mentally.  Whether I am running, or doing body pump (weights), it gives me appreciation for what my body is capable of; of what I am capable of.  This has been the key element in having a more positive relationship with my body.  Any more, I don't look at the scale as the measure to how much I am going to approve of my body.  Instead, I notice how well it can run and jump and climb and lift.  I am just filled with gratitude that it does all of those things for me.

Even though I struggle with internal dialog about my body just like most women, I try to be very careful not to talk about weight or complain about my body in front of my kids, especially my daughter.  This is for both our sakes.  Thoughts are powerful, especially the ones you choose to say out loud.  I believe that every time you sit around vocalizing how much you hate your body, you are shaping up a belief system for yourself and your children.  The opposite is true too- if you show how much you love what your body is doing for you, you and your kids are going to believe that your bodies are amazing things.  My hope for her is that maybe she can bypass the whole weight issue all together, and get to the part of just loving what her body is capable of doing.  Maybe if I model a positive relationship with my body, she will feel like it is okay to have a positive relationship with hers too.

Found this on Pinterest.  When these images were floating around on facebook, I agreed with it's message:  Why does it have to be one body type over another?  Why attach shame to anyone's body?

Day 12- Five Guys Who I Find Attractive

I am mostly brain dead tonight.  It was a long day.  Too much braining with thoughts.  I was going to write about what I need to improve about myself (first topic choice), but I don't wanna.  The second choice is "five guys who I find attractive".  I read the choices to Derrick, and he laughed and said he wouldn't feel horribly betrayed if I chose that option.  And, as he is laying in bed with me as I type this, I feel no guilt...  SO, here I go:

1.  Derrick.  Of course.

2.  "Sawyer" from Lost.  Or I should say, James Ford and sometimes LaFleur (Josh Holloway). Tortured, sarcastic, best one lining character ever.

3. Jamie Fraser from the Outlander series.  Yes, he is a fictional character.  But, he is tall, red-headed, slanted blue eyes, high cheek bones... and the ability to woo any woman with ears.  I almost think James Fraser could be part troll and STILL be on my top five, simply because of his way with words.

4.  Daniel Crag.  Especially of the 007 variety.

5.  Clive Owen.

 

Day 11: My Family

In line with the 30 day writing challenge, I am talking about my family in this disjointed entry.

There are a lot of different kind of family I have been blessed to be part of.

The family I was raised in represents so many dichotomies to me.  But, despite any of the craziness that has come from this core family, I can honestly say I was gifted with more than an adequate amount of love as I was growing up.

I had parents who did their best, and I couldn't ask any more than that.  I think about different situations they found themselves in, and different choices they made, and I don't know that I could have done any better had I been in their shoes with the resources they had.  I do know that everything they ever did, they did out of love for their family.

My family had four boys and two girls.  Lonnie, Danny, Daryn, and Renae were born first, and later myself and my younger brother Shaun came along.  Daryn died when he was 23 and I was 8.

Things haven't always been the easiest between myself and my brothers.  I wish things were different for us, and that we could all be a big, warm, and happy family. That hasn't happened, however.  I love them, though, and I want them to have happy lives.  Who knows, maybe some day, some how, things will be better for us.  I will always hope for that.

My sister has always been one of the most important people in my life.  She is 12.5 years older than me, so growing up we didn't have the typical sister relationship.  She has always had my back, though, ever since childhood.  She protected me when I didn't even know I was in danger.  She tried her hardest to keep me from being a follower (and as hard as I fight being a leader, I fight just as hard not to be a follower).  She was my absolute role model/hero as I grew up, and then she transformed into one of my best friends.

She married Doug when I was five.  He is my brother, all the way. Besides my mom, he was the authority figure I butted heads with the most as I was growing up (I fought with Shaun and Steph a lot too, but more in a sibling-ish kind of way).  As much as I wanted to punch him a lot (and I say that with a smile), I love/d him just as much.

I have three nieces and three nephews.  I grew up close to three of them- Steph, Shannon, and Brandon, and they feel more like younger siblings to me.  Ryan (only 3 years younger than me) didn't move close to us until he was around fifteen.  We kind of bounced in and out of each other's lives through the years.  Kobe and McKenzie live in Oregon with their mothers.  I miss getting to see them grow up.

I also have some amazing aunts who have always been instrumental in my life.  I have sister/brother/niece in-laws who I am blessed to call my family.

I was never one of those kids who dreamed about being a mother, but it has been my life's most rewarding and beautiful journeys.  Of course there are times I feel like I am going to lose my mind if I hear them fighting even one.more.time, but in the big picture I would never trade getting to be their mother for anything.

Of course, my family includes Derrick.  He is my rock, my source of safety.  I love that I know him so intimately, and that the more minutely I know him, the more I respect him.  He has a well of integrity that I completely look up to, and hope I can achieve.  I have been blessed to make this family with him.

I also have friends that I love like family.  I've been blessed to have amazing people come into my life, and once you are in the inner family/friend circle of my heart, I don't ever want you to go.  My tribe.

And I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses- that makes me part of a very large family.  My whole life I have been fortunate to be surrounded by these brothers/sisters.

And there you have it, the *very* short version of "My Family".



   

Ryan

My nephew Ryan passed away this weekend in a tragic motorcycle accident.  I (along with the rest of his family) am heart broke that it happened.  It was the last thing any of us expected.

The last time I saw him was not good (because of some strained family dynamics), but the time before that was at a big family dinner at my mom and dad's house.  We played Spoons, took pictures and felt like a big happy family that night.

My best memory of him is from about four years ago.  We went to coffee in town, and talked for a couple of hours about everything and anything.  He had one of those minds that could wander down lots of different subjects, so talking with him was really fun.  He had been going to AA for about a year at that point (I realize that is an anonymous group, but he was very vocal about it himself, and was very close to the people there so I don't think he would've minded me saying it), and he had all the hope of someone on a new path. I had been going through some hard times myself, so we were able to talk about what we were going through and what we were doing to make things better. I was glad to hear that he had stayed on that path, and his life seemed to be going in a good direction.

He had a fifteen year old son and a baby boy (around two years old).  He was my brother Lonnie's only child. I just can't even imagine what he is going through right now.

Day 10- Put My Music Player on Shuffle and Write Down the First Ten Songs That Play

1. Roll Away Your Stone- Mumford and Sons
2. Spend Some Time- Death Cab for Cutie
3. Do I Creep You Out- Weird Al
4. Give It To Me- Justin Timberlake
5. Ray of Light- Madonna
6. Landslide- Stevie Nicks
7. Anything But Down- Sheryl Crow
8. Mad World- Michael Andrews
9. Alive- Pearl Jam
10. Home- Sheryl Crow

Challenge Day 9: Vacation Hiatus (Summer Stuff)

The last day of summer isn't technically until September 21st, a little over two weeks from now.  For most people, however, the end of August usually signals the real end of summer.  The nights (usually) start getting colder, the kids go back to school, and things start to get serious again.  I am sad (as always) to see summer go.

I can't complain too much though.  We had a great summer.  There was lots of camping, playing in the water, hanging out with friends, and generally absorbing as much outside time as possible. In August, we took Derrin to his first rock concert (Cake!), and that was a great time.

 We also went camping at Como Lake with Deana, Rob and the kids- also a super time.  Kloe and Alaina finally caught their chipmunk this year.  The first one was a moment of great triumph, but their trap was almost too effective; they were able to catch so many that it lost its novelty.  Also, the chipmunks were eager to gnaw off any little fingers that got anywhere near them, and it became apparent very quickly they were never to be the cuddly little pets the girls had dreams about.  Catching frogs and snakes became the preferred activity again.  We went to the beach a couple of times, and everyone got in the water (well, except me, but I am a cold water wimp) briefly.  There was a lot of thunder and rain, so we ended up back at camp pretty quickly after any trip to the beach.  We played a lot of poker (I smoked Rob, that was the most important thing you need to know about that), sat around the campfire, and huddled in the camper when one particularly loud and hard storm rolled through.  Beautiful weekend.

The week after that camping trip, we had some crazy forest fires across-ed the river from our house.  We had quite a few friends on evacuation notice, and held our breath until the fire was eventually contained.  The air was typical August in Montana- smoke smoke everywhere.

The first weekend in September, Derrick had a golf tournament in Anaconda (the morning after the fair in Hamilton).  Georgetown Lake is not far from there, so we brought the camper up there and camped with Shannon, Phil, Alta, Kevin and Guinness.  It turned into a great weekend just lounging by the beach.

And that pretty much is the short version of summer, and brings me up to date.  Tomorrow is the dirty dash 5k.  This is the second year we will be doing it.  None of us feels as prepared as last year, even though we signed up clear last January.  Oh well, it's a chance to hang out together and have some fun.

Como Lake 2013
  

Cheeky Chipmunk, Stealing Peanut Butter

The Trappers

Bucket of Snakes and Frogs, Desperate to get out and away from eachother

Canoe Ride Across the Lake

Chilling at the Lake

Another Fun Camp Trip Together

My crazy friend, sawing some wood.

"KingPin" Lolo Forrest Fire 2013

Storm Rolling In

Smoke Rolling over our house

The View from our neighborhood

Dramatics from my boy Georgetown Lake Camping Trip 2013

Beautiful niece, Shananin

"Trophy" fish

Trip to Philipsburg for Candy

Challenge Day 8: A Song and Photo to Match My Mood

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

~Florence and the Machine
(Love the hopeful, urgent, and conflicted lyrics to this song.)