Bonds of Love

Bonds of Love

This year was a crazy year- at least when it came to people close to our family (or part of our family) getting married. By my count we went to five weddings, and Derrick was either an usher or a groomsman in everyone. First was Dustin and Jasa last January in Mexico. Then Kevin and Alta, Zac and Shawna, and Shon and Alysa all got married this summer. And December 8th my sweet *little* nephew Brandon married his sweetheart Lyndsay in Yucaipa California. It was a beautiful wedding. And what I loved about the whole experience was that almost my whole family flew over there (most of us on the same flight). We had a great time together! So, since I put my blogs in a scrapbook with my pictures (and your comments too!), here is an itinerary to help remember what all happened while we were there.

Day 1 (Wednesday, December 5)- We arrive in Yucaipa after flying in from Spokane. Sharon and Dale  picked us (Mom, Dad, Renae, Doug, Steph, Casey, Aiyana, Shannon, Derrick, Derrin, Kloe and myself), and our piles of luggage up at the Ontario airport (except for Casey and Steph who rented an awesome blue Mustang convertable while there) and hauled us back to the much smaller town of Yucaipa. I was sick (still). They dropped us off at their place before they headed back to Los Angeles to pick up more family from that airport, and we all went out to eat. After my taco, I promptly crashed, fell asleep and didn't get up for about 3 hours. Then Derrick, Shannon me and the kids packed up our luggage into Lyndsay's brother's jeep (which he let us use the whole time we were there), and we went off to Lyndsay's grandparents house (Jeannie and Les), where we stayed for the first night.

Day 2- Jeanie and Les made us a tremendous breakfast, bright and early! Eggs, ham, pancakes, and coffee. They are adorable. The grandparents everyone wants to have (I love grandparents. I didn't have them while I was growing up, and now I understand their immense appeal). Then we packed up all our stuff again (we were moving to another place to stay that night), and headed into town to meet up with all the younger members of the wedding party to head onward to Knottsbury Farm. It took a couple hours of driving to get there, but it was AWESOME. When we got back, everyone who didn't go wanted to know the little kids liked their time at the farm. Aiyana, Kloe and Derrin did have fun. But I think all of the big kids who went had as much fun! My favorite ride was the Accelerator, a rollercoaster where they shoot you out going 80 miles and hour, immediately going into corkscrews. Loved that ride. We got back to Yucaipa late, went on to the next place we were staying (friends of Lyndsay's parents who were out of town that week and said we could stay at their house), and I crashed. Danny and Nancy got into town that night, and they stayed at the house with us.

Day 3 (Friday)- The day started out with manicures and pedicures. Just in our group, we had ten women. The people doing our nails all did good work, BUT the guy who did mine (his name was Tom), was also the manager, and he was feeling stress over dealing with our group and trying to keep his regulars happy. The result was my manicure was filled with moments of being ignored by the guy sawing away at my feet, having my calves massaged by a tense little man who alternated trying to strip the flesh from bone, and remembering I was there, smiling at me and saying "Feels good, right???". I admit, I lied and said it did. I am not good at standing up for myself in these kind of situations. But the end result was good (he even pained little flowers on my big toenails), so it was all good...

That night included: Decorating the reception hall, wedding rehearsal, and wedding rehearsal dinner. We fell in bed late.

Day 4 (WEDDING DAY!)- Woke up early to get kids washed and ready for the wedding since I wasn't going to be with them for the rest of the day (Shannon, Nancy and Danny watched them for me:). Next stop, hair appointments... then pictures. I need to mention here that there was a horrible weather system working it's way down the coast the whole time we were in California. It was in the 40's by the time we went out for pictures. We were freezing!!!

The wedding itself was beautiful. Doug gave the talk, and he did a great job. There was one moment where he got choked up (the same part he got choked up when he gave the talk at Steph's wedding), but it was a touching moment you only get when a Dad is the one talking. Brandon and Lyndsay were in their own little world, gazing and laughing and so forth. Eww. Na, it was cute.

After much eating and dancing, we drove home. On the way home it SNOWED. In southern California.

Day 5- I have to admit, I was a whiny, wimpy, complainy sort of girl on Sunday. I was really tired because we hadn't stopped even once. I was also still sick, hacking my lungs out attractively every couple minutes. But I got up earlyish anyways and onward we went to the Los Angeles Zoo. It was a pretty fun relaxing day, and no one seemed to care how pastey or contagious I looked.



We kept hoping the weather would be warmer as we got farther down the Mexico penicula, but the system that had been in California the whole time we were there followed us to San Felipe. We still had fun, but not in the same hanging out in our swimsuits sort of way we thought we would.

Days 7 and 8- We collected shells, the guys all went deep sea fishing, we ate tons of seafood, drank gallons of magaritas, played games (lots of hand and foot), went to the market and dickered with the merchants, had a couple campfires, and just relaxed.

Day 9- We drove back up through Mexico, toward Tijuana. We stopped in Puerto Nuevo for dinner at a place where you get Lobster, and two margaritas for twelve dollars each. Then onward we went to the border, where it took nearly two hours of traffic to actually get through to the other side. We stayed at Brandon and Lyndsay's apartment (they were on their honeymoon in Cancun) for the night (we packed and unpacked, loaded and unloaded eight times this trip). And we crashed.

Day 10- Lyndsay's gramma Patty made us all biscuits and gravy for breakfast with sumptuously strong coffee that morning. It was divine. Then they drove us to the airport, we flew back to Spokane, and we were in real winter again. We drove back to Missoula and it FEELS GOOD TO BE HOME!!!

In conclusion, I have to say, I love weddings (I'm not saying marraige is easy, but I love the family ties it can create and strengthen). When I got married my sister was my matron of honor, and I had Shannon, Steph, my cousin Heidi, and Brandon too. Now I have been in all of their weddings. I have also been in some very good friend's weddings as well. I love how close it makes all of us feel to eachother. It creates a shared memory of a pivotal moment in our lives. Both Brandon and Dustin were the youngest people in my family and our clans to get married. They were the last of the single people. The next single people in our families to get married will be my children. Hopefully that won't be for a very very long time. So even though this was the summer of many weddings, we won't be having a summer like this again for a long time.

A Week In A Warmer Land

Well, I've been meaning to blog about my week in California, so here I go. We (Renae, Steph, Mom and I) started out of Thompson Falls Sunday a couple weeks ago (wow, almost exactly TWO whole weeks ago! Sheesh. Where does time go?) The plan was to stay the night in Spokane so we could park our car at the motel and get shuttled to the airport early the next morning. Somewhere between shopping at Burlington Coat Factory and Sushi World, my mom realised that her driver's lisense was not in her purse. We searched and searched, feeling pretty panicked because for one, you need your driver's lisense at the airport to actually get to FLY, and for two, and more importantly, we needed to go across the border (and mostly BACK from the border) into Tijuana. One of the major reasons for the trip in the first place was to take Mom to see her doctor at the Hoxsey clinic down there.

We called the airport and they said Mom could still fly because she had her birth-certificate and social security card, BUT she would have to be stripped searched (hehe, not really strip searched, but she did get patted down both on the way down and on the way back. Renae took pictures.) So flying didn't present too big of a delimma. However, as Monday was presidents day and Tuesday was the day we were going to Mexico, there was no time to get ahold of any of the goverment agency's that could help us. So we decided to just take our chances.

We stayed at a motel in San Ysidro, a town right on the border of the US and Mexico. We could actually see the fence across the road from our room. It was so warm *sigh* and pretty. We didn't have a car, so we had to walk, take a shuttle or take the bus. Public trasportation rules.

Tuesday morning the shuttle came to pick us up to take across the border. We hoped for the best (both that everything would be okay for Mom AND that we could get back into the US at the end of the day), and we got in. There were eight other people on the shuttle with us, all going to different places in Tijuana to get some sort of medical treatment that either isn't available in the States or that is too expensive in the states. On the drive across the border I listened to the man in the row ahead of us talking to the couple next to him. He reminded me of my pa-in-law with his soft southern accent. The whole way there he was talking about his wife, where they had met, how he had "tricked" her into marrying him. He was so sweet, and so obviously in love with his wife. I hadn't even met him and I liked him so much. When we got to the Hoxsey Clinic, he told us more about his wife, that she has pancreatic cancer in the final stages and he had come to Mexico for her because she was so sick. It was heartbreaking. But we also met a couple from Alaska who had been coming to the Clinic for years because the husband had cancer. With no other treatment except from the Hoxsey clinic, he is still going. They have a huge book there where different ones have come to the clinic with all sorts of cancer, varying stages, and most had done very well. Mom's check-up went very well. She had been tested the month before in the states too, so we knew everything was probably gonna be okay, but it still blows my mind to see how well she is doing. It is not too often a person with Stage 4 colon cancer gets to have this kind of health again. Not to promote it tooo much, but if I ever get cancer, I am going to the Hoxsey Clinic right away. It is an awesome place.

At one point I went with my mom while she had to have some x-rays done. While I was in the waiting room I saw that I was getting a phone call, so I wanted to go outside to take it. I walked to the door and saw that it was a glass door. There were no handles. I stared at it in confusion. The door was not opening and I could see no way to open it! Finally I looked behind me to the patients waiting for their turn and had to ask "How does this work". Turns out I just needed to push it. I swear, technology here is making me stupid! I will be the one to burn in a building because I do not know how to open the door.

Anyways, with a pretty much clean bill of health (provided she stayed on her diet and tonic), we were back in the shuttle, wizzing through Tijuana to all of the phamicias to get everyones medicine, and then it was off to the border. We all held our breaths. I, for one, was hoping maybe they would just wave us on through. Turns out that didn't happen. They had us all get out of the shuttle bus and walk through customs one by one. Renae, Steph and I all waited in line behind Mom, waiting our turn, thinking maybe a couple extra days in Mexico wouldn't be that bad (?), but hoping we wouldn't find out. Finally the moment of truth arrived. Mom, looking simply pitiful and cute, waved her birth certificate at the Mexican official and told him her story of woe, about how she had lost her driver's lisense and this was all she had! She has skills. I have underestimated her. Unfortunately, the man (who was obviously touched at her delimma), told her that she HAD to have picture ID. So Renae and I put our passports on his table and said "We are her daughters!" and Steph put her passport down and said "I am her granddaughter!!!" It was a grand moment. The man looked at all of us and smiled, waved his hand toward the door and said,"Get out of here!" It was awesome if I have to say so myself!

So, we made it through. I had a horrible headache though, so we all crashed when we got back to our room. When we woke up, we decided to take a bus into San Diego and go to a Seafood Restaurant. The food was only so so, but venturing out into San Diego, just us four Montana girls, was pretty fun.

The next day my nephew Brandon came to pick us up with his girlfriend Lyndsay, her mom Sharon and her brother Dillon. We went to the San Deigo zoo (where I took a gazillion pictures), then we went to the beach for sunset, and then we went onward to Yukipa, where they live. The rest of the week included making sure our bridesmaid dresses fit (they DID!!! I needed a whole size smaller than I though!!! Yeah for me!!! I am mainly so happy about this because I had to get a dress two sizes BIGGER for the last wedding I was in) , getting shoes for the dresses, getting gifts for the bridal shower (which was awesome), cutting thousands of peices of material to make seat covers for the wedding reception (they are getting married December 8th), and just generally hanging out and having a fun time.

One thing I was introduced to over there that you may be interested in is the practice of eyebrow threading. It is awesome. It is practiced in India, and so it was an Indian woman with her giant peice of thread held between her teeth and hands raking it over my eyebrows. She was able to pluck and shape them perfectly in under five minutes, and it lasts longer than waxing!!!

Anyways, there is so much more that I could say, but this has really turned into quite a long blog! I must start some dinner...

The Sugarland is Delicious

So, here I am in Derrick's grandparent's computer room, somewhere in Tennessee (Walland to be exact), sitting in the dark, listening to the family in the living room switch between watching Jeapardy and a country music award show (?). Not my usual ruetine (my spelling is especially bad tonight. I blame it on swelling of my body and brain which is a consequence of being in a different state, time zone, temperature, as well as hormone fluctuations that occur this time every month, AND Grandma Betty's awesome cooking ability and her tendancy to keep her house fully stocked with chocolate.)

We have been exploring the state of Tennessee (at least the part near us) in a strategic and well thought out manner. We drove up the Smokie mountains on Friday to hike up and see the "chimney tops", a mountain where you are supposed to beable to look down the peak into a hole that goes clear to the bottom of the mountain (thus the name "chimney top"). Unfortunately the hole has crumbled sometime in the last twenty years. But the hike was fantastic. Even made me feel less swollen and more like myself. The kids even enjoyed it after initial grumbling that they would rather be at home with their Grandma Betty, her hugs, and her chocolate;)

Saturday we went on another drive with some friends of Derrick (Javier and Ramey- Derrick was a southern boy in his youth and grew up with Javier in a little town in Texas), once again to see all the colors of fall. It is pretty, although everyone here says the colors are not that great this year because of the drought here.

Today we went to Pigeon's Forge to the best site yet- outlet stores. We went to so many! And apparently there are many more we have not seen yet, so we will be venturing into Pigeon's Forge again in the next couple days. Also, we found a pretty good sushi place today, which was definately a contrast to the southern fare we have been enjoying at Grandma's.

Unfortunately, the kids have been sick most of the time we have been here. They have both been running fevers and Derrin has a hacking cough which Kloe is getting right now. Hopefully they will be feeling better when we fly out on Thursday!

Another Kid Moment

The other day during dinner, Derrin slyly tried to put the rest of his food in the garbage after being told he had to finish his corn by his Dad (I know, I know, there is no nutritional value in corn, but I make it and therefore the kids have to eat it... here goes another moment to mommy guilt). He promptly got sent to his room by his father to consider the error of his ways.

Afterwards, in a move designed to declare SHE was not afraid of her daddy, Kloe called Derrick A black banana. The conversation went something like this:

Kloe: Daddy, You are a Black Banana

Derrick: Well, then YOU are a GREEN Banana.

Kloe: Well then, at least I will turn YELLOW.

She makes me laugh. She is so so funny.

Being Me

It is Friday night, exactly 8:24pm (according to my computer )and I find myself (again) in the situation of a quiet house. So seldom does this happen that it requires documentation in the form of a blog.
The kids are in bed. Derrick is gone for too many days to think about comfortably. I am listening to Sarah McLachlan. The house is SPOTLESS... the reason being that I feel out of control when Derrick has to work elsewhere so I gain back my sense of control by being super-vigilant about cleaning, mopping, sorting, arranging, organising, dusting, vacuuming, washing every inch of my house. Even the kids rooms got a good going-through today by both myself AND the child-owner of the said room (I'm sure they will need some therapy in their 30's to understand the OCD I have created in them). Even this blog is snatching a little bit of control out of the air. So far I have googled at least four of the words I have chosen to use, and according to google I was CORRECT in my spelling. I am cool and in control of my word spelling AND usage (okay, the word "usage" fouled me up because I REALLY wanted to spell it ussage...)

ANYWAYS, it is Friday night and part of me is reveling in the fact that it is so early in the evening and for at least the next three or four hours I OWN this time. I have to say that again. I OWN the next three or four hours. Even though I need to stay at home, I can choose to either play on the internet as long as I would like too, OR read (I have a really good book I am reading right now), OR I can take a bath, OR I can call someone, OR I can watch television, OR I can do nothing but sit on the back porch and breath the forest-fire smoke and look at the bright pink smoke-created sunset. All interruption free.

The point is I have the choice and there is no one here to look disappovingly at me for being a total bum. How awesome is that. Not that I don't cherish the time with my family but sometimes it feels so GOOOOD to just be Rachel.

My Addiction

My Addiction




I woke up thinking of you today



My head foggy, my body tired



You were the missing link



Between now and my future



I am yearning to be intoxicated



By the strength of your dark charms



Your taste sends me reeling



Your erotic aroma



Carries me home



I can not begin another day without you



I have succumbed.

Declined

I reluctantly admit to being a "goody-two-shoes" sort of gal most of the time. I am okay with that. In fact, I have chose to be that. But every once in awhile even the goodiest of two shoes feels the need to be a little daring.

My only claim to "being daring" comes in the form of a little ring in the top of my right ear. I admit, it isn't much. BUT, it does allow me to go to my favorite tattoo place (Altered Skin) from time to time to have the ring changed out (they are nearly impossible to do by yourself).

Tuesday on a whim I decided it was time to change the earring. I was by myself and feeling a little bit daring. I admit, going into that place totally intimidates me in the most delicious of ways. All of the guys who work there are super tough looking, burly, tattooed, peirced and actually very nice. The peircing guy (can you believe I still do not know his name? how rude of me...) always tries to persuade me into getting a different ring than I really want. This last time I chose one with a little blue sparkliness on it. It was obviously not my peircer's favorite ring there. He told me I should just go to Claires in the mall and find one like it. How insulting. Then he pointed out the fine array of titanium rings they were offering, stating that they were much better quality and I imagine he thought they were just way more cool looking. But I love sparkly things. After insisting on the blue sparkly earring we went into his "office" where he kindly inserted it in my ear for me. I am such a nerd. I get nervous every time, looking around at all of the crazy pictures on the walls and making awkward conversation with Mr. Burly Tatoo Peircing Man whose name I don't know. I also am sniffing the air nonchalantly. It smells so good in there, like soap and metalic cleanliness, and the faint scent of cigarrettes being smoked outside.

When it was done I silently congratulated myself on facing my nervousness. Then I told myself that I was way cool. I mean look at me. I'm in a tattoo parlor with burly type men, making pleasant small talk. I rock. Then it was time to pay. I had a check book... turns out they don't take checks. I had a debit card BUT... it was the last day of the month.... and sweating bullets I tenatively handed the card to Mr. Peircer with a hope and a prayer that money had been transfered into the right account so it might work BUT... it didn't. Declined. Declined in the tattoo parlor. In front of Mr. Peirce... I smiled weakly and felt myself get a little clammy. My moment of coolness was suddenly obliterated. I offered a Discover card BUT turns out they don't take Discover either! I was reduced to begging for mercy, offering to leave my ID while I went to find an ATM to get the required money. Mr. Peirce smiled kindly and said,"No need to leave anything. Go find an ATM and come back, I trust you".

You know why he trusts me? Because I am so obviously not a badass. I am goodytwoshoes with a little sparkly earring. And I'm okay with that. But the next time I go to have my earring changed I am bringing cash.

Parallel Universe

Kloe and I usually rock along fine unless there are other children involved, even if that other child is her brother. This year that meant that from 8:25 until 11:00 every morning during the school year, we would have a peaceful household. The rest of the time (including summer vacation) is a total crapshoot. Sometimes she loves her brother but a lot of the time she could totally annihilate him if she had superhuman powers to do so. Fortunately she is smaller than him and can do no serious harm.

This week was EXTRA difficult for Kloe because she had not just a brother to contend with, but also her little cousin Aiyana. Now, Kloe and Aiyana absolutely LOVE eachother for the first day. After that all walls come down and they enter a temperary sisterhood that includes both love AND fighting to the death over any toy, chair, blanket, or pinecone that they deem worthy of their affections. Throw Derrin in the mix and you have a screamfest worthy of any rockstar. Derrin and Aiyana seemed to shift from war time to peace time with relative ease, but Kloe doesn't switch gears quite so quickly. She was on edge most of the week. She was in trouble most of the week. It was a hard week.

Aiyana went to her Gramma's house yesterday. Kloe cried her eyes out. She is still sad. Kids are so funny. Even if they fight the whole time, they would still rather be with eachother than apart. And the next time they are together they will still be best buds.

Yesterday at the daycare they were doing face painting and hand painting as I came in to pick them us (side point- I cleaned my house while they were at the daycare and it is finally really clean- yeah for me!!!). Kloe wanted a rainbow on her hand. They have a picture there with all of the designs the kids can choose from and there with an example of a delicate little rainbow. She wanted THAT rainbow. The girl with the paints started the rainbow and right away Kloe could tell it was not right. It was too big. The colors were in the wrong order. She kept saying in her four year old voice,"No, that is not right. The colors are WRONG", to which the girl painting would say,"just a minute, I will make it right." Well, anyone could see it was just getting bigger and bigger. Kloe's anxiety was growing with the rainbow. I was just mentally thinking "paint faster paint faster" because I had a lot of things I needed to finish doing at home. When the girl announced she was done there was a moment of silence from my daughter. Then her lips began to tremble. It was building inside of her... a burst of," I HATE THIS!!! IT IS ALL WRONG!!!", which she has been saying quietly the whole time... My knee jerk reaction was to shake her (of course I didn't), but instead I took my shrieking daughter to the daycare bathroom for a couple minutes, tried unsuccessfully to reason with her, then took her to the car to wait for her brother to get his face painted. She cried the whole time. Brokenheart. Hating the Rainbow.

My daughter is like me. I could explain and explain to her why she should settle down, but she is not hearing words, she is just feeling her disappointment. I just have 27 more years of experience that keeps me from shouting when I am disappointed. Just last week we had our family portrait taken. I knew I didn't like it as soon as it was time to pick our package. Instead of having an outburst, I put on my big fake smile and picked the picture I hated the least. Then I went home and stewed about it all night. The next day I was so aggravated I felt like punching walls (I was also pmsing *very dangerous*). I called my mom and complained. I called my husband and complained. Finally I called the store and asked them to redo the pictures, which they said they would do. The point is, I have impulse control. Instead of shrieking,"I HATE IT! IT'S ALL WRONG", I waited until I felt calmer to discuss the issue. Impulse control. But it took many years to develope it! When impulse control is still so hard for me, how in the world am I supposed to teach it to my little daughter? Any ideas?

On a completely seperate issue, I wanted to say something about my Mom. She is doing awesome!!! Before they did the surgery on her liver her CEA count (cancer count) was at 4000. We had it tested post-surgery, and after two months of hoxsey and her special diet and it was down to 38.9. This week she had it tested and it is down to 13.4. A cancer-free persons CEA level is 2. It is working! I am excited to see what it will be next month!!

What is Up

i've been sorta non-communicative this week and i didn't even realize it until this morning i woke up and remembered i hadn't hardly returned any phone calls or emailed any of my buddies this week! i hurriedly made a phone call to my ma, and that sorta broke the ice. then i made a couple phone calls. then i paid all my bills (something else id been putting off)... now to turn my attention to more important things, (aka myspace:)

i did have a lovely time in kennewick. we went to a convention over there called "follow the christ"- it was three days of different discourses about various ways jesus modeled the best way of life. it was thought provoking- always good to have reminders since my brain doesnt retain information for very long. i was a little bummed because i didnt feel super good the whole time so i sorta sat in my chair like a lump and wasnt very sociable but my buds over there seemed to forgive me for my non-fun ways.

anyways, it is now thursday, and i am almost all done unpacking (we got back monday), and all of the travel laundry is now done. going anywhere with kids always ends with about twenty loads of laundry-not sure why. derrick is working in whitefish again this week (left tuesday morning), so the kids and i have had the house to ourselves.

we went to "lunch in the park" yesterday- they have it every wednesday during summer time at caras park. they bring about twenty food vendors from various restaurants down there, and there is always a band or two to listen to while you have your lunch. yesterday was awesome! the clumsy lovers played there the whole time and the kids loved it:) the band did their traditional handing out of the shakers (they toss out colorful pop cans with popcorn inside), only this time it was to all the little kids boogying down on the grass in front of the stage. watching the kids have such a great time was as fun as being able to listen to one of our favorite bands during lunchtime.

and today.... finishing laundry. maybe a little dusting? maybe i will find my way to the gym for the first time in over a week... who knows. it is a quiet summer day. my favorite kind.

The River may TRY to kill me, But I will Always love IT

To start, a confession: I went to see the movie "Transformers" today. It is one of those movies that I have mocked since the beginning. A residual part of me from childhood remembers my brother playing with transformers in his geeky little boy way (which I now find endearing in my little son), and I just COULD NOT take the movie seriously. Today we went with Kevin and Alta because Kevin is one of those little boys who grew up playing with transformers.

The movie is good. I say that with difficulty because it means I am eatting crow. I really really liked it. There is really good character development, it is action pacted, the special effects are outstanding and it is even really funny in parts. I am now a lover of Optimus Prime and a hater of Megatron.

But on to real life. After we went to the movie, we all gathered to float the river which was AWESOME!!!! The weather was HOT and the water was COOL. The only snage-ups happened when the river tried to kill me. TWO times I got sucked under by BIG rocks, lost my tube. The first time I lost my Corona, the second time I lost my special Mexico hat and broke my new big sunglasses which also got lost on another rapid. All and all the river kicked my butt abosolutely. But I still love it. The river and I have that kind of abusive relationship I guess. I will love it no matter what!!!

While floating the river, drinking my Keystone light (after the Corona was seized by the river), I started to have an analogy form in my head: Floating the river is like Life. You can try to stay with your group as long as you can, but when hard times arrive (like rapids), it is easy to get seperated from the group. So, many times you will find yourself floating along by yourself and you will really have to paddle hard to get back to your group. You may also find sometimes on the river you have a choice: paddle toward the rapids and take a risk to have fun, or steer clear to safer waters.... ANDDD, we know we will all eventually hit big rapids in life, but why spend all of the calm waters worrying about the big rapids instead of just enjoying the fact that right now the water is cool, your friends are near and you have a beer in your hand?!?

Anyways, that is it for my big analogy. Hope you all have a good weekend. Later!

Thought it was a Romance BUT...

...it was a tragedy...

Fred Fish was found belly up in the bottom of his home in the pond district late Friday night. His widow, Stripey Fish, was frantic and without words as to what caused her dear ones demise. An investagation is under way.

Fred was a loving husband and avid swimmer. He was 13 months old (31 goldfish years). He will always be remembered as "the one who got away" from the human woman because he managed to hide in the rocks from her to cleverly save his own life. He will be greatly missed.

Cards and donations can be sent to his widow at The Pond, In the Yard of Rachel, Montana.

transformers and big sunglasses

I am sitting here at 11:00 at night, drinking a glass of wine, watching Jay Leno (actually waiting for Conan O'Brien, my one true celebrity crush). Derrick is gone until Friday (in Whitefish again), the kids are sleeping, and Mom went home with Dad today. The house is oddly quiet. Actually the fact that I am awake to enjoy the quiet house is odd. But I am not ready to go to sleep yet.

It is 82 degrees in the house. I am hot. If I could break away from the computer perhaps I would open the windows and then cool air would rush in and cool me off. But you see, I have a myspace addiction which rarely gets the satisfaction of several hours of wasted time spent on it. I must indulge, regardless of the discomfort of the sweltering heat of this house. I will endure!!!! Viva myspace!!!

As I was reviewing this week in my mind, moments of discomfort filtered to the front part of my brain (where they like to reside), and I am prepared to share them with you. They have to do with watching television with my Mom and husband in the same room when I am the one holding the remote control. You know all of the commercials they have nowadays... the ones that are funny when you and your hubby are alone? The ones advertising "male enhancement" or the girly ones urging to call, and so forth. Now, if I am alone with either my mom OR alone with my husband, I do not care what commercial comes on. Why in the world to I get all embarrassed when I have a husband on one side and a Mom on the other? Do I turn the channel or not?!?

(Okay, the windows are open... couldn't type with sweat falling all over... Derrick usually is the one to open windows... funny the things you don't appreciate about a husband until they are gone.)

I have a goal for this week. I am going to get some big sunglasses. Nokomis has a picture of her in big ones and she looks hot! I want to also look hot in big sunglasses. And there has been encouragement to go to the dark side from Melissa (hehe-dark side-sunglasses...), and I am prepared to convert for the weekend.

I've been thinking about my poor cat Gary alot today.. I think it has finally sunk in that he has moved on to another family. He always was the traveling sort. He was the sort of cat who would love you with all he had, but he still had to move on and see more of the world. I will miss him, but I am glad he is out there living his dream.

Thinking about Gary also made me think about my fish. I only have two left in my little pond in the front yard. Last Fall I didn't know if goldfish could live if you just left them alone in the pond to be frozen. I caught six out of seven fish and brought them inside. Only Fred escaped, and therefore lived. I have somewhat of a killer thumb when it comes to fish. Poor little fellows only made it a couple months. But Fred is alive and strong. We bought him a little friend, Stripey this spring so he wouldn't feel so alone. I hope that Stripey is a little girl fish, and they are having a torrid love affair in our little pond. I hesitate to add any other fish as Fred and Stripey seem so contented. This fall I will leave them to their own defenses to the winter, as they seem to have a better idea as to their survival than I do.

And that is all I have for the evening. Sorry people, but Jay Leno has some pretty impressive things on tonight... something about a Tranformer movie pilot... oh my goodness... I LOVE TRANSFORMERS. I have to say goodnight:)

Confidence

It is officially 12:25 at NIGHT and we just got home from a wedding- my dear friends Kevin and Alta got married tonight! Yeah! They are both so awesome. I hope they stay in Missoula FOREVER so we can all just hang out and have fun... unless they really want to move... or WE really want to move... um.. well, anyways, tonight was super fun. Everyone was totally into the dancing, the food was awesome and it was just generally a great night.

They had me take pictures at their wedding. This is the second event where I've been able to take pictures this summer, and it has been GREAT. The light at both events was perfect, the people were happy and smiling, and I've just been generally happy with how the pictures have been turning out. After the Hospist Ball I sorta lost my... drive or "magic" with pictures because it was so NOT what I love about taking pictures. The love is back. Thank goodness. I missed it.

Yahoo!

Everything is okay!!!! The surgery went AWESOME yesterday. Oh my goodness, we were sweating bullets. Pretty much my whole family showed up in Spokane yesterday morning at the hospital (and the rest were there in thought). While they were getting Mom ready for her surgery, they told us only one person at a time could be in the room. By the time it was all said and done we had Dad, Renae, Shaun, Danny, Nancy, Cookie, Kenny, Doug, Casey, Stephy, Aiyana, Corey D., Dwayne, Gina and me in the room (that is fifteen if you were counting ). Mom was scared, but she said that having everyone there took away 75% of the scariness. The epideral and calming drugs took away the other 25%.

After they wheeled her out of the room and we all waved her off, we all went down to eat in the cafeteria. Then Steph and I went to our motel room (it was right across the street), and amazingly we fell asleep immediately. I think being so nervous and is just exhausting! By the time we woke up, Renae was calling to tell us the surgery was over. The doctor said it had gone even better than he had thought it would! There was minimal blood loss- the didn't even have to use any of the bloodless surgery measures that had been taken. Also, they didn't see any other cancer, either with the PET scan she had that morning or with their own eyes! What a relief! We all felt like flipping cartwheels when we heard that . So, between the hoxsey and her special diet, I think everything is really going to be okay now. It feels like a bad dream is over.

I came home to Missoula for today to go to Derrin's little kindergarden graduation (which was super cute ), and to get some things done around here (like writing blogs). Tomorrow I am going back to Spokane to stay for a couple more days so Renae can go home for bit. If everything goes alright, hopefully Mom can be out of the hospital before too long!

I want to say thank you for all of your sweet upbuilding comments during the last 8 months. I know I have blogged a LOT about all of our ups and downs throughout all of this, and you have been so supportive. It really has helped me to beable to vent to you all. I appreciate it!

Mom

Monday morning at 8 o'clock in Spokane Washington at Sacred Heart Hospital, Mom is going to have her liver resection done. We went in last Monday hoping that they could do a procedure called radio frequency ablation where they would only make a small incision, insert a probe and blast the tumor with heat. It would've been a minimally invasive procedure, but the tumor was too big for it to be effective. The resection will involve going in and totally removing the section of the liver with cancer on it.
We've talked to the Bloodless Management department at Sacred Heart, and all measures are being taken to reduce blood loss and manage any blood loss that occurs. It has been very reassuring talking to them over there.

This Friday morning Mom is also having a smaller procedure done where they are putting a filter in a vein in her stomach to catch any clots that may form in her legs. It is just another precaution that the doctors are taking to ensure her safety.

So, this is it! If all goes well, this will improve her chances dramatically.

A Little Inner Calm and Poise for Mizz Imperfection

So, yesterday I had just entered the gym . It was 6:15- much later than I usually go, and a different staff was working. One of them was Julie (very nice girl- I even voted her as my favorite staff), and the other one was Justin. Justin is a pretty nice guy. He is a chatty sort of person, and seems to know everyone who comes in. So yesterday I enter the building, drop the kids off at the daycare, and proceed onward, passing Julie and Justin. As is their habit, Julie first comments,"Wow, this is a lot later than you usually come in!", because we don't really know eachother that well and it seems like a nice safe thing to say. I ,as usual, mostly just smiled and muttered something unintelligible under my breath. Then Justin smiles and says,"Well, that is because it is MY shift *ah he he*". I know now he was joking. But I reverted to my top-form 8th grade stance by making my best scoffing noise (kinda like pssst) and looking Julie straight in the eye and saying , "Yeah, RIGHT", as only a person of my special social skills has mastered. I then walked on my merry way, confident I had handled the situation appropriately. As I entered the girl's locker room, it hit me that I had been... well... rude. It sorta crawled up my spine a little. Then it became a full-blown panic attack. I quickly changed into my exercise clothes and went to my eliptical machine back in the far corner. As I remembered my rudeness, I began to run a little harder on the machine. My stress-level kept me running frantically, moving up the intensity until I was a 9 (normally I am a firm 6 on the machine). I nearly collasped off of the machine after 30 minutes, but it said I had burned nearly as many calories in 30 minutes as I normally do in 40.

Why did I get so upset? I need to start controlling the voices in my head again.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, you have a crazy friend. But I'm nice and I smell good... and I can cook too. I could say more, but I have to fix dinner.

The End

ps... When I was leaving the building both Julie and Justin said were all chatty and nice again. All of that internal agony for nothing. Sheesh.

It's Just a Shirt

This morning while dropping my son off at school I saw something that cheered me into a blooming smile. We were almost to the drop-off door, and I had stopped to let the car ahead of us release it's kid to school. All of a sudden the mom driving the car (actually it was a blue SUV of some sort) hopped out to get something for her kid. What cheered me was that fact that she was only wearing a shirt. Sure, it was big and went to mid-thigh, but the fact is there was only a shirt. Barefoot. Maybe there were shorts under the shirt, maybe not, but I did not care. All of a sudden I felt pretty pulled together, even if I was still wearing my pajamas. My day was off to a head start in comparison to shirt-mom.

There is a lesson for me to learn here. That woman probably felt pretty embarrassed to get out of her car mostly naked (or maybe she is just an exhibitionist and completely enjoyed it, who knows), but she made a stranger feel a little better (even if it was just my desicion to wear some clothes to the school). I am divided about my lesson. It is either (1) Don't ever just wear a shirt to school and then get out of the car OR (2) If you ever forget to wear pants to school, don't be too hard on yourself. You may just cheer up the person in the car behind you.

Picking up the Shoe

Yesterday we had a family pow-wow (including grilled chicken and hamburgers) at Mom and Dad's place. We (Renae, Doug, Nancy, Danny, Derrick and I and kiddies) all came over with bags of food and hopes of a little family fun, but we had ulterior motives. We came with a new plan.

As soon as we were all there, all sitting out on the deck visiting, the new plan was approached softly. We didn't want to scare, shock or overwhelm anyone with the plan. We were all relieved and happy when the plan was received well, and arrangements began to shape up.

Renae and Doug are going to take Mom and Dad to Mexico. There is a clinic just past the US border that works with a cancer patients diet, as well as giving them a "hoxsey", a serum developed to eradicate the cancer in that specific person. They will be gone for about a week to get the treatment and diet, and then she can come home with a six month supply.

In conjunction with this, I found a new oncologist in Missoula who is willing to monitor Mom during the six months. She will also provide any additional chemo if it is needed. I called this oncologist Friday, and guess what? SHE called ME back! She talked to me for a long time and both asked questions and allowed me to ask questions back. She was a ray of hope on a dark day. We are going to call her Monday and make an appointment and form a plan together.

We also have an appointment with Mom's surgeon Tuesday to see if he has changed his view of surgery on Mom's liver like the infamous Dr. N did. We hope he will still work with us when Mom needs her surgery in the future, even though we are dumping Dr. N as our oncologist.

We know other people who have done the hoxsey treatment, and they are cancer free. I've read message board after message board from family members struggling with their loved ones through cancer with just conventional chemo. It always follows pattern of getting chemo and feeling like crap, getting a surgery to remove a tumor, being cancer free for two or three months, and then having a recurrence and having to start the whole horrible process over again. Even if this hoxsey and diet didn't completely wipe it out, but she felt good while the cancer was held at bay (for a long time), it would be better than being at the mercy of Dr. N and his poison. What kind of life is that? Also, if she does end up having to have surgery in the future, this will buy her time to get those blood clots completely dissolved first.

So, here is to new hope.

The Other Shoe Dropped

Today confirmed what we already knew. If Mom's cancer count doesn't go down, surgery is to be looked at in two or three weeks.

The problem with that is she still has bloodclots. If she gets the surgery she will have to go off of the anti-clotting medicine she has been using, both before and after. And after she would be on her back recovering... which could cause more clots.

The other problem is that Dr. N is starting to have issues with our stand on blood. All of a sudden, this surgery is extremely dangerous. Before the story was that the tumor is in the lower left lobe doesn't have any major arteries, so if you have to remove part of it, that is the safest part to remove. Today he was ranting about all of the little veins there that she could bleed out of (and "not make it" was a phrase her too many times). Before HE told us he was going to build up her blood supply to twice it's usual amount and he would make it as safe for her as possible, so she would beable to lose a lot of blood in surgery and still be okay. His previous support of our beliefs was one of the reasons we chose to use him as her oncologist. I could say so much more, but I am so tired.

I do want to say that the family is talking Mexico treatment again. We are tired of Dr. N and his promises of the moon that turn out to be mirages. We are going to talk to Mom and Dad Saturday to see if they will consider going to Mexico for treatment and coming back here to use a different oncologist who will be willing to work coinsiding with natural medicine.

Just a little scared

I haven't blogged about my mom for quite awhile because things felt like they were going better, and I don't want to be obsessive about my mother's health on myspace of all places. BUT, since almost everyone who reads this knows her, I think I am going to vent a little.

I am worried. Her cancer count went from 800 to almost 1600 in just a two week break from the chemo. Even though her doctor has re-added the CPT-11 (the stuff that put her in the hospital when I was in Mexico, but also the stuff that was totally kicking the cancer's butt at first) and she has had two treatments with that stuff too, her cancer count has only dropped a little. Then today she couldn't get her treatment again because the chemo is starting to give her all of the side affects that sent her to the hospital last time. The doctor is talking about changing things up, perhaps by doing the surgery on her liver to remove the tumor even though the count isn't as low as he wanted (he wanted it as low as 37).

I am also scared because I've been going into different internet sites where people with stage 4 colon cancer tell their experiences. Even the good experiences (people who are still alive after 3 or more years) are daunting. The chemo never seems to really end. They get chemo, have surgery, are cancer free for three or four months and then discover the cancer has spread again and have to start the whole thing over again. It burst my bubble. My vision has always been Mom gets chemo, gets the surgery, gets the final bout of chemo to finish off the stragler cancer cells, and then we all go into our happy cancer-free family again. I can't stand the thought of Mom having to go through this process over and over, never really feeling totally like herself again.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on the matter. Having a positive attitude is still important. Other people's experiences do not mean our's have to be that way. Just feeling scared right now.

~The Non-Routine Day~

This Wednesday Derrick took the day off of work, partially to finish getting well from a cold he's been fighting for a week, and partially to hang out with me since it feels like we haven't really just hung out for a long time. Our big plan was to have no plan at all, and for once that worked out quite well.

First we went to Sushi-Hana, one of Derrick's favorite restaurants, especially on their Thursday Dollar Day. I have only been there once, about three years ago. It was a pleasant suprise this time. I ate everything they brought except for the eel and the raw (but smoked) salmon.

After Sushi and a breif interlude at Rockin' Rudy's and Liquid Planet, we went to the treatment building to meet my parents and visit while Mom got her chemo. The doctor then decided to cancel it for a couple of weeks because she was on the verge of feeling sick again, and he didn't want a repeat of the last hospital stay from chemo overload. But her numbers keep going down,and today (Friday) she is looking alot better.

Since her treatment was cancelled, Mom and Dad headed back to Plains, and Derrick and I had more time on our hands. There were absolutely NO good movies showing, so we decided to go to the Missoula Art Museum, since we had never gone before. It was not quite what I expected. There was one exhibit that I sorta liked that was created by women from many different countries. The only rule they had to follow was that they had to use a box as their theme in one way or the other. Some of the artists were okay, because I at least had to stop and think "What the heck". One box I liked especially had a glamorous lady on the outside, and a whithered shell of a woman on the inside, portraying how us ladies like to look one way to the world while the drudging monotany of our everyday routines wear at who we really are. It is a depressing outlook for sure, but one I at least can look at and say...."Um, okay." Other boxes just irritated me. I hate it when artists try to shove their viewpoints down your throat with their "There is no box. I refuse to be part of representing the box that oppresses all womankid", WHILE they are still part of the exhibit. But still, I remembered their message, so I guess whoever the nut was that did that particular one is good at pushing a button, which from what I gathered while there, was what they wanted to do. By the way, NEVER touch the art. I briefly touched ONE of the exhibits, and I NEARLY gave the museum attendant an annurism! I hadn't had such a tongue lashing since I was in school. It was interestingly sort of fun... I'm so used to being the one who says "DON'T TOUCH, you see with your eyes, NOT your hands!". Anyways, I am thinking I may have to go back to the art museum and try to resist touching the exhibits again(and maybe bring the kids next time. )

A modest dinner at Jaker's ended our day our on the town. I, after all, had to help Derrin finish a project for school, and we needed to relieve Gramma from her day of watching kids. But it was a fun day and one worth blogging about.

Avacado Disappointment

That there are almost 300 calories in ONE LITTLE ITTY BITTY AVACADO?!? I did not realise this. When I was done working out on the elliptical machine today, it said I used 280 calories. Then I went home and ate a salad for lunch. With one avacado. SO disappointing!!!

Exercise+Avacado= Slight Irritation, but not enough to stop eatting the avacado during lunch while I read the avacado information (right after the ellipitical...) . Tomorrow.... only 1/2 avacado! After all, avacados are good for your heart... it compliments the exercise, just in a different way than I had planned.

On to other things... Sunday I turned 21... wait a minute, I believe that might be 31. I forgot all about it until my mom called to ask her yearly question,"Do you feel any older." Suprisingly, this year, the answer is "yes". But it is alright. I am happy. I am alive. I have people who love me and who I love back. Who could ask for more? At the same time, I am still relieved I do not celebrate birthdays!

And as for Monday, well you already know about the avacados. Only one scary fact like that PER Monday, so....

Tagged

Here are the rules: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 5 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' on their profile and tell them to read your latest blog.

1. I am obsessive about brushing my teeth. I have NO cavities though:-)

2. I also am obsessive about my feet. I keep them all loofahed, lotioned and polished all year round, even during boot weather.

3. I hate green beans. Not too interesting, but very true.

4. I have a serious coffee addiction. Unfortunately, coffee also starts to make me have scary heart palpatations after consuming too much of it for several months in a row. Therefore, I have to go off of coffee a couple months out of every year. This seems to make it possible to consume coffee symptom-free for the rest of the time. I am in a time-out right now (going on a month):-( Herbal tea is a good substitute however.

5. My Dad is from a familyof 14 kids and my Mom from a family of 6. Between all of the offspring from those families, I have hundreds of cousins.

6. I was the only girl in my class until 6th grade. The school I went to was in Paradise.

7. I have an interest in the numbers 3, 11, and 13. I was born 3-11-76 (and 7+6=13), I graduated in 94 (9+4=13), my mailing address as a kid was Box 113, I have 13 letters between my first and last name, and all of the houses I've lived in in Missoula were numbered either 3 or their numbers add up to 13... I know, you can make anything equal something if you look hard enough.

8. I LOVE black licorish. It's even better than chocolate.

9. I do not like most dogs. They are slobbery and jump on me. But if you have a dog and you are my friend, I will make every effort to adore your dog.

10. I am genetically unable to roll my tongue, and I am not double-jointed. There you go!

Hmmm. As far as tagging anyone else, most of the people I would have already been tagged or have done their list soooo.... I will just say if you are feeling creative and have some weird facts to share, go ahead!

The Weekend

This last Friday was the Hospist Ball. I went ahead and took the pictures there, made some money for hospist ($10 charge per picture). It also turned out to be a pretty enlightening experience for me. I've always experience photography in terms of fun. This was more like frantic snapping for four and a half hours in a row. Turns out it felt like work. But it was good for me because I had to figure out how to do some things out of my comfort zone, like arranging rowdy people into group shots without using my voice, because we were so close to the band that I couldn't hardly be heard over it. And I had to learn to not expect perfection out of my pictures either. There was no time between shooting them and printing them to pull them up in my program and doctor them, which was super aggravating at first, but by the end of the night I could have cared less. Also, because of the timescale and the decorating committee, I did not get to do much with the background, which was extremely frustrating, because it could have been better if I would've had a little more time to work on it. But, once again, by the end of the night, I just did not care. So, I would say what I gained mostly out of the experience was more on terms of managing people, trying to make them smile, be comfortable, and getting them through the line and on to their picture. Thank goodness for Derrick who was taking care of the organizing of the portraits and the printing.

Our guest table at the ball was full, but we didn't get to see them very much. They all said they had fun though. Next year I will not do pictures. Even though it was a good experience, I would rather be part of the party.

Saturday Shannon and I went down to Plains where we met my sister and my kids (Steph and Renae watched them for me) at Mom's place. We just had an easy visiting day. It was nice. Mom is looking good. She is lifting her little arm weights and doing her step exercises to build up strength. She still is pretty weak, but she is doing well and trying super hard.

We came home Saturday night. Sunday was an easy going day. We had a lot of company, and watched movies. All in all it was a pretty good weekend.

Back in the Hospital

Mom got really sick last night. She was ambulanced to the Plains hospital where they got her pain under control. She spent the night there, and at two this afternoon she was ambulanced to Missoula. She has a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in her right lung. Right now they are using a Heparin drip to disolve it. She will probably be in the hospital for at least a couple days while they try to get rid of it.

Exercise, Mom, and a Ball

This week consisted of: I went to the gym every day except for Thursday! Yeah for me! I did aero-step and pilate classes both a couple times. Aero-step is where they torture you with weights while you are stepping up and down in crazy patterns on your little stool. I suspect this will improve my coordination. It definately couldn't hurt any! It is a little painful to see exactly how clumsy one is by trying to follow a perky instructor who is bouncing up and down on her stool WHILE being I am surrounded on all sides by mirrors! I rue the moment she directs the class to face my direction, putting me in the front so they can see me falling all over myself in an attempt to get fit. It is actually pretty effective however. My body has been in a constant state of aching the entire week.

Also this week on Wednesday my Mom went to her first chemo since she got sick last time. She actually looked like herself again, even down to the little sparkle in her eye. She is a little thin, and she is still working on getting her strength back, but she felt good enough to tease my dad and Danny a little bit. It felt good to see a that little bit of oneriness again. Her doc took her all the way off of one of the chemos. He kept her on the 5FU, but he cut it back to about 3/4 as much as she was getting last time. Hopefully this will keep her from getting as sick. We ended her time in Missoula at Famous Footwear where I helped her pick out a couple pairs of shoes. She was supposed to just sit there while I brought shoes TO her, but she was up looking around quite abit herself. She has a great love of shoes. They lift her up in so many ways.

Thursday I went to school with Derrin to help out in the Kindergarden class. It is always so much fun there. All his little classmates are nice little kids. His teacher says that his class loves eachother almost TOO much. She can't hardly get them to quit talking. She is great at finding assignments for the parents so you actually feel like you are doing something worthwhile for the kids while there. She had me take each kid out, one by one, and go over their numbers and shapes. I quite enjoyed myself. Teaching kindergarden seems like it could be a great job.

Today I met with the lady who is organizing the annual Hospice Ball. We go to it every year because Derrick and Dave donate all of the electrical setup and maintenance for the event. This year, I am going to be doing the portraits there. Today we picked out several materials to use in the portrait backdrop. She said it includes a convertable and Marilyn Monroe to fit the theme "Dancing with the Stars". I must admit, I am a little apprehensive about taking this on. I don't feel quite qualified. At the same time, it will be a really good opportunity for me because it could be a stepping stone into being a photographer at other events. So, this weekend and next week I'm gonna be practicing portraits in artificial light situations... we'll see how it goes!

Mom

I just wanted to do a quick fill in on what's going on with my momma. She got out of the hospital about 12 days ago and I saw her this last Wednesday. She was supposed to get another chemo treatment, but she asked for a week off. She is still completely weak and has to recover a bit. Her doctor wasn't overly pleased with her choice. I have mixed emotions about him. On one hand, I love him solely because he is trying to make my mom well again. On the other hand, I think he is a grumpy guy who gets snippy if you don't jump when he says to. I guess working with such a terrible disease day in and out could make one crabby...

Anyways, she isn't feeling too hot. Hopefully next Wednesday she will feel more up to her treatment. I think it will have to happen either way so no more ground is lost with the obliterating of those hateful cancer cells.

The Beginning was Sad and a Little Crazy, But There Was a Happy Ending... I Love Happy Endings

For some reason I haven't been very motivated on myspace this week. It is a very strange turn around for me, because I was completely addicted for months on end! This place should come with a caution sign.

I've been meaning to write a blog this week. I actually did write a small one a couple days ago, but my computer freaked out and didn't post it. My frustration was great so I moved on to something else. But it is time to write down the highlights of the week so I don't forget them (my mind has way too many holes in to sustain memories right now).

I wanted to mention that when I went down to settle the proof of insurance thing, it was very anti-climatical. A clerk just looked at my insurance and stamped it dismissed. I have to admit, I was somewhat disappointed. The fact that I was disappointed made me stop and think a little about what is going on in my head. Then it came to me: We are in the middle of winter. It is grey skies all around. My mom is sick. And I always, 100% of the time, crash this time of year anyway. I fall apart, my memories of happy days get fuzzy, everything gets irritating and boring, I'm completely tired and my body feels like it is made out of lead. But instead of being prepared for this, it always comes as a bit of a shock when I realize if I have to live in this state of mind for even one more second I may have to kill myself .

It was do or die time. So, I went into town to various stores that sell the usual vitamins and supplements I always have to take this time of year, and I called Derrick to tell him it was time to join the gym (I pretty much do this every winter), so he called a gym he's been interested in and got it lined out for me. I really like it there and one of the best things is that they have a daycare, so I can go whenever I want. It's only been about four days since I started working toward a better frame of mind, but I am feeling a LOT more positive about life. I may just make it through this winter after all.

On a different note, I got to go see the Clumsy Lovers last night at the Top Hat! I LOVE them. Oh my goodness, you can't go to see their show and not be jumping around, smiling like a crazy person by the end of the night. We pushed our way to the very front of the crowd, my favorite place to be. I am still a little deaf from being right in front of the speaker, and my voice is still hoarse from yelling and singing along as loud as I could.

The people around us were so funny, I kept cracking up at them. There was this cowboy guy directly in front of us doing this crazy dance that had a lot of butt shaking involved. My friend Sabrina and I about died laughing. Then there were the usual Missoula hippie-types, twirling and whirling, feeling their magical fairy feelings. I love those hippies. They really make me feel like I could be doing cartwheels down the middle of the audience and no one would care at all. There were also your typical deviants all around us. There was this one guy that harrassed my friend Shawna Lee for a long time. I wouldn't really want to make her too mad. I was expecting a fist fight to break out. There was this one time where Shawna pulled me from her one side to the other, giving me a strange look. I kept happily bouncing up and down singing, but later she told me there was some freak smelling my hair and being... strange. There is something so demoralizing about a freak smelling your hair. But all in all, it was a fabulous night.

And that is the end of my rundown of the week. Cheers!

Proof of Insurance

Last year, the tags on the purple bomb expired, and I did nothing to accomidate the issue. Month after month, we drove around with expired tags. I felt a guilty twinge almost daily, but never enough to actually drive myself to the court house and buy new tags. Honestly, it was pure laziness on my part. I had the money set aside to do it, but the drive clear across town to go stand in a line for an undisclosed amount of time was the real mental roadblock. So, we committed to driving extra carefully, and let the months roll by. Eventually we realized that if we could make it to the first of January before buying the tags, that we wouldn't have to pay the previous year's taxes. Now, that is just economical.

The second of January, Kloe and I went down to the courthouse and paid for the new tags. I proudly put the new sticker on the front of my car. We'd been meaning to eventually put it on the back where it was supposed to go, but as you see, the tags have never had an appropriate amount of importance attatched to them for us to remody THAT situation either. We drove on our merry way, guilty twinges gone.

Enter yesterday, at the intersection of Reserve and Brooks where the train tracks run through. Since I have lived here I have only had to stop for a train there maybe four times. Yesterday I had to stop for a train. A police car pulled in right behind me. Now, because I was raised in Plains Montana, where I have been pulled over numerous occasions on a local officers whim (and the fact I have a #4 county plate on my car), I always expect to be randomly pulled over and this causes me to get twitchy. Sometimes I even start to quietly start to reassure myself,"You are OKAY, you have done nothing wrong, there is NO reason to be pulled over". When the train had gone by, and I started moving again, the blue and red lights behind me started to flash.

Did you know it is a fifty dollar fine to have the stickered tag on the front of the car? I didn't either. Also, did you know that your proof of insurance has to have the effective dates on it? Once again, me neither. I have to admit, it was somewhat satisfying to say, "I DO have a current tag, it is just on the front", and equally deflating to hear that it is still a fifty dollar penalty for not switching it to the back. But the officer was nice, and let me off the hook. He said it is the highway police officers that will really fine you for that (in town officers are the nice guys), but I still have to go to the courthouse with proof of insurance. Ironic huh? A whole year of procastinating the tag thing to avoid the courthouse, and now I have a week to reappear to another line there with proof of insurance. Poetic justice? Maybe.

Mom

On a different note, I wanted to mention that Mom is doing better today. As I suspected in Mexico, she was worse than my fam let on (they just love me and didn't want me to worry), and she was really really sick. If Danny and Renae hadn't gotten her to the hospital when they did, well... but by the time I came home, the worst was behind.

The chemo made her really sick. It kills fast growing cells, which cancer cells are, but other fast growing cells include your intestinal tract also. The chemo basically shredded her insides, and caused her to lose a lot of fluid and get way too dehydrated. She is healing now, but she is still hurting.

The good news is that at first her cancer count was 4200 and now it is 600, so the three treatments she received did a lot of good, along with the really bad. Her doctor said it boils down to chemo is toxic material, and we have to respect what it can do. I was afraid they would have to quit using it all together and find a different chemo. At least we know this one is working. But the doc said he plans on using a much lower dose from now on. That made ME feel better, but Mom is understandably a little gunshy now of any chemo.

There was talk of her going home on Monday if she continues to improve. So far it is looking okay for that. Until then, Danny has been and is staying with her and is taking very good care of her.

Injury and a Wedding on a Mexican Beach

We've been back from Mexico for a couple of days now. It feels nice to be home, although I wish all my family and friends and I could go back to Mexico and live there until winter is over.

I haven't been able to blog for awhile. I wanted to write about last Saturday before all the details leave my brain. It goes a little something like this:

It was the day of the wedding and most of the bride's family and the groom's family (but mostly the bride's) were either buzzing around the little hotel where we all had been staying (we filled almost all 12 rooms of it up) finishing up wedding preparations, or had already left to decorate for the wedding and reception. A few of us didn't have much to do in the way of wedding preparation, so we decided to go have breakfast at a beach not too far away, primarily because of the delicious fried plantains with cream we had eatten there the first day.

It was a hot, sunny day at the beach. For some reason this particular beach had been empty both times we had eatten there, but the waves looked particularily good to the guys (Dave, Justin and Derrick) for body surfing. So we headed down toward the water to play before our food came out.

I had gone body surfing the day before myself, and still a little sore from being pounded under the waves, so I was not as entralled by the idea. Also, the pullback of the water was stronger than any of the other beaches, even when just standing in it up to my knees, so I was really nervous about the kids getting too close to it. The guys of course jumped through the huge waves and started waiting excitedly for some good ones to ride.

About 15 minutes into this, Derrick got caught up into a particularily huge wave. He curled up into a ball like Dustin had told us to do the day before if caught in a wave. He had been caught up for awhile and decided that the wave must be over, so he straightened up. The thing is that all the waves were big, and sometimes they came in sets of three. As soon as he straightened out, another wave crashed down on him and jammed his elbow straight into the sand with all it's weight. He disappeared for a minute, and the second he was able to get out, we all knew that there was something wrong with his shoulder. It looked completely sucked in, like there was a hole where his shoulder should be.

He barely made it back to our van, falling to his knees a couple times to avoid passing out, his brother and dad on either side supporting him. We needed help, but we did NOT want to go to a mexican hospital either. Jasa's best friend was at the motel still, so we decided to go there first because she speaks fluent spanish, and we were definately going to need a translator. The owner's of the motel were friends, and their daughter knew where there was a doctor in town who would help. So Dave, David, Derrick, Shawna (Jasa's friend), and the Mexican friend (whose name I never learned), all took off into Zihwatanejo (Justin stayed behind with the kids). The friend gave directions to Shawna, Shawna translated to Dave, and Derrick groaned loudly as we went over the hundreds of speedbumps.

We made a lot of wrong turns, and our friend had to make a couple calls and search a couple roads to find the right place. Zihwa isn't the easiest town to navigate. The streets wind this way and that, some don't seem to really go anywhere, and a lot of houses are located in tiny backalleys that you would never find without help. By the time we finally found the right place, it had been over an hour since Derrick's shoulder had been dislocated.

Shawna and the friend ran in to find the doctor, and out came a man dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, waving us in. As we walked the way up the covered sidewalk into his office, I saw he had a very large family having a gathering, all watching us with smiles. I could tell this wasn't the first time an American had come for help after playing in dangerous waves.

All of us walked into his "office". It was a dark cement room with a chair in the middle of is, a cement bed with a thin cushion at the side, and one single light bulb illuminating everything. He sat Derrick in the chair, and all of us gathered against the wall to watch. The doctor started by rubbing oil and Derrick shoulder to loosen the joint. It was easy to tell that the rubbing alone was making him see stars. Then the twisting the the yanking started. We all got dizzy watching, but Derrick didn't yell as much as I expected. The twisting and yanking wasn't working. The doctor had Derrick lay down on the cement slab. He placed his foot Derrick's armpit to have good leverage, and started the pulling and twisting. It didn't work. He left the room for a moment. When the doctor came back, he had his huge brother with him. Derrick was asking for tequila at this point, but they just had him sit back into the chair, and the big brother held Derrick tight to the chair. "You gonna be okay", he said reassuringly (although we think this may have been the one english phrase he knew), and the doctor started pulling Derrick's arm down and then he whipped it back up. Derrick's body relaxed perceptively. Our friendly doctor only charged twenty dollars, and it was the best money we ever spent.

When we got back to the motel, it was almost time to start getting ready for the wedding. We got dressed, and drove the hour to the Salidas. All I can say about the wedding is that is was beautiful. They had the ceremony at sunset, and between the golden light and the waves crashing on shore, it was the most romantic wedding I've ever been to. And with all of us being barefoot in the sand, it was the most comfortable one too. It was a great way to end the chapter of the wedding week.

Day 3 and a half from Mexico

I am sitting here at the internet cafe, on Wednesday at about 11:00 in the morning. I am waiting for Dustin and Jasa to finish their dash to the fax machine, where they are attempting to get a birth certificate expedited from Texas to Seattle to David and Tara´s address so that they can bring it with them on Thursday when they fly in. Turns out a birth certificate is necessary to be married here, and they didn´t know it. But it looks like everything is almost under control. So, come Saturday, hopefully all their ducks will be in a row, and we will have a wedding on the beach to attend in our bare feet before we all jump back into the ocean!

Everything down here has been beautiful, all playing in the ocean and good food. I am fighting the urge to have a nervous breakdown however, because my mom has an infection from the chemo, and is back in the hospital, and I haven´t even been able to get ahold of her yet because we have no cell phone access down here. We had access to a phone yesterday, and I was able to talk to Renae, Doug, and Dad for a little bit, but Mom was too sick to talk. Renae said that although Mom is pretty sick, that everything is under control and she should be fine soon.

Thank goodness for the internet because I can at least chat with Shannon and I know she will send an email if I need to know anything more. Renae, Danny, and Dad are all taking turns staying with Mom in the hospital. I know they have it taken care of and under control. There is nothing I can do except keep in touch as much as possible and know it will be okay.

Trusting that, I intend on letting go my need to be in control, and just continuing to play on the beach. And to all I promised I woud drink a corona for, it is done. And to you who I said I would drink a shot of tequila for, it will be done soon!

First Whole Day in Mexico!

I am sitting here in an internet cafe, drinking a michilaea (a lots of lime juice, corona and salt), and I wanted to remember the name of it (I am sure I won´t remember half of the words that I learn here) so, thus the blog.

Yesterday was a long, long day. We woke up at 4:10 in Seattle so we would have time to drop off the rental car, go through the line that check bags and your little baggie of liquid goods (as many little 3.4 ounce bottle that will fit into a quart baggie), and have a little bit of breakfast. By the time our plane left, I was already wanting to go back to sleep, but alas, due to our standby tickets, we were assigned 3 in one row, and 1 in a completely other row. This meant one parent would have two kids, and the other would get to sleep all by his/herself. I chose to be the parent with the kids for the three hour flight, only because I could tell that I was the least tired of the Derrick and myself (due to the fact that whenever we go to Seattle to stay with his brother, they all stay up until two in the morning visiting, and I am always the party pooper who goes to bed). Other than the usual kid antics however, I have to say I was very impressed with my kids and how they behaved. The only time we heard much at all out of either of them was when the planes were landing, because Kloe cried all three landings (her ears hurt).

Today was glorious. I didn´t want to brag, or make make cold weathered friends sad, but it was simply the most awesome day ever. We woke up around nine, and took the kids out to the little swimming pool in front of our cute little Mexican motel. It is a little rustic, but the colors are bright and I feel like painting my house in various shades of orange, blue and pink now to capture their festive mood. After swimming for awhile, we got ready to go have breakfast. Dave had heard that there was a beach with restaurants closeby, so we drove for about ten minutes and found an old dirt road with a old shacklike buildings on either side (although most of them have crazy little swimming pools too). We stopped at one such place because there was a mexican girl holding a menu out to us. We were the only ones there, except for the family who ran the place. It was all open, overlooking the ocean, and to the kids utter joy and delight, the floor was made of sand. The food was so so good!!! We had fish tacos (that ranked best fish tacos EVER in my life, until we had more fish tacos for lunch that were just as good). But the BEST part of breakfast was the fried bananas with cream sauce. Oh yes. MMM. So very very very good.

We went to another beach for the rest of the day (one that was in the bay so the kids would have an easier time). We rented an umbrella for the day that came complete with people to watch our stuff while we were all frolicking in ocean. There was awesome food at the beach (more fish tacos) as well as the one ingrediant to complete one of my lifelong goals.... to sit on a beach in Mexico and drink a CORONA. Bliss. Joy. I feel a little more complete now.

The kids both were excited to get into the water. Derrin approached it bravely. He swallowed way too much salt water at first while he was learning how to jump the waves, but he learned the trick pretty quickly. Kloe decided she hated it immediately (this is often how she approached new situations), but by the end of the day she was begging to stay in the water. It was sooo warm.

There are people walking along the beach all day selling there creations. I saw alot of homemade jewlery, hats, woven purses. I love it. I love having the shopping come TO me. It is fun to see the diferent things pèople make here to make a living.

Well, this cafe looks like it is closing, so I have to wind it up. But so far, all is so fun, and if the rest of this week is as good as today was, I can´t wait!

1st Round, 3rd Week

Mom had her third chemo treatment today. Dr. Nichols stopped by to discuss her lab results and the news was good. The numbers (I can't remember specifically WHAT the numbers were called, only what they meant), showed that these initial treatments of the chemo are working. The numbers suggest that the tumor is starting to shrink a little:-) Also, her blood counts are not dropping at all. So far, so good.

She is still having side effects including the nausea and fatigue. But other than that, she is doing well.

I won't beable to go with her next week to chemo, because I'll be in Mexico:-) But Renae said she is planning on staying with Mom for that session. After that, Mom will get a two week break from the chemo before starting the 2nd round.

Mom 1st Round, 2nd Week

Today was Mom's second chemo treatment. It was better than the first one for a couple reasons.
The first reason was that the port didn't hurt as bad as it did last time when they had to poke it (it has had more time to heal). The second was that she didn't get the horrible metallic taste she had the last time (although it may still come later). Also, Dr. Nichols said we don't have to be overly concerned about a compromised immune system. She can be as active as she wants, and around the people she chooses. This is great, because Mom draws strength from people.

She did get a little sick to her stomach in the middle of it, but (of course) she wouldn't let me ask the nurse for anything to help it. I asked her why she has such a hard time asking for help when she doesn't feel good, and she said she just doesn't like to bother anyone about something that may not be that serious. I've about decided that I (or any one of her children or husband) get to be the decider of when it is serious.

Mom is a person, who when in the middle of a heart attack, wouldn't let my dad call 911, because she didnt think it was serious. She also couldn't ask for help when she was in the most intense pain of her life from a tumor(not that she knew that's what it was), because she didn't want to complain. She suffered in silence from this horrible sickness, because she didn't want us to worry for her or her health.

From now on, I think her family gets to make the call . I declare a dictatorship on Mom's health! Her family will see she gets the care she needs, fighting whatever it is that tells her she is not allowed to bother the universe with her discomfort!!! If not exactly a dictatorship, then a Familyship, a Pressureship, a Careship, a PickonYouUntilYouTakeCareofYourselfShip!